Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Yup, I totally said that.
I'm afraid. I'm afraid that this last month has been so awesome health wise that I will fall off the wagon and binge like no body's business.
I'm afraid that if I take a day off of working out, not because I'm sore or physically tired because I've been working out hard, but because I'm mentally tired, that I will fall back into the old habit of making excuses to not do physical activity.
I'm afraid that in this body I'm unlovable--and that the only way for me to be loveable is to change this body.
I'm afraid that I have been unhealthy for so long that I won't be able to continue to be healthy--that I will unable to live a healthy lifestyle.
I'm afraid that I will never acheive the goals I have set for myself and that I will continue to fail.
These confessions suck. As I sit here, writing this all down, and re-reading it, I think man, I'm weak. That's awful--I hate that I think that way about myself. I try so hard every day to be strong and positive and then when it comes down to the nitty gritty, look at the bare bones of my fears.
I don't tell you this for pity--I don't want it. Please, don't console me--I don't want that either.
I'm telling you this because if you feel the same way I do, then you know how hard it is to be tough and strong and fight your way uphill all the time. And then, given 5 minutes to yourself--when you should be patting yourself on the back, or when something good happens...these damn voices creep in and begin to take it away from you.
Just try to believe with me, that we are more than what we see in the mirror and we are more than what we may sometimes see reflected in the eyes of others. Our worth comes from more than the size of our jeans or the numbers on the scale. Love doesn't just apply to others, it also applies to ourselves.
It's a battle I'm fighting too.
Stupid fear. I'll show you who's boss...