Making it real

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

It's time for me to make it real. I try to stay upbeat and keep a positive attitude, but faking it will only take you so far. It is time for me to strip it down and be honest with myself. I am not advancing toward my goals the way I want or should be. I have no one to blame except myself, but there it is.

I allow life to get in my way. I allow myself to get overwhelmed with all the things I have to do from day to day and week to week. I convince myself that I have a handle on it but, in reality, I am completely out of control. I know what I need to do and how I need to do it. The best laid plans of mice and men.....

I can blow smoke and say I am done allowing things to get in my way and I am done allowing myself to get overwhelmed, but this is all about being honest with myself. I WANT to be done allowing things to get in my way and I WANT to be done allowing myself to get overwhelmed. Some days it seems so clear how to go about doing that and some days it's as clear as mud.

I WANT so many things for myself:
*I want to be healthy.
*I want to have a body that I am happy with.
*I want to have confidence in myself and feel like I am worthy.
*I want to get rid of this pain that I have lived with my entire life that I am not quite good enough.

I have always struggled with self-love and self-confidence. I have always felt like I am not quite good enough. Since childhood, I have always wanted to be like somebody, I have never wanted to be like me. I have never wanted to be like me because I'm not good enough, I have never been smart enough, pretty enough, funny enough. I want to be someone that people like, someone that people love. I fool myself into thinking I am a good person because I do everything I can to help everyone else and make everyone else happy. I don't know how to do anything else. I love with everything I have and doubt what I get in return. There is always this feeling that I'm hiding inside myself because if I say what I think or what I feel then people will turn away from me. Then they won't like me or they won't love me. And if they do love me, why?

How can I give love and receive love if I don't love myself? I don't even know how to love myself. I tell myself that I am worth it and that I deserve it, but they are just empty words. They sound good, they sound positive, but they don't really have any meaning to me. I'm just going through the motions. I don't want to be this person anymore. This person with no faith, no confidence, no love for myself. I know the changes have to come from within, I just don't know how.
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  • JIBBIE49
    3158 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12292709
    I know you posted this a while ago, but I'm just catching up with it. I hope you are working through your self-acceptance, and want you to know your openness and vulnerability are touching and make you all the more lovable.

    I deal with some of the same issues, and I have found Tara Brach's work called "radical acceptance" to be an eye-opener. It's helped me to begin the process of accepting myself and my emotions. If you're interested, she has a website with free videos and podcasts at tarabrach.com.

    You're doing phenomenally well here on SP. Even when you have bad days or weeks, you keep coming back. That is success.

    3163 days ago

    Comment edited on: 10/18/2012 12:21:28 AM
  • LISAMG1220
    I just read your blog and it is so honest. That is the first step in it all. The first person you have to be honest with is yourself. The first person you have to make happy is yourself. I spent my whole life worrying about other peoples happiness, never my own. I people pleased until I thought I would keel over from the weight of it. I had to ask myself why....why is everyone else more important than me. Guess what they aren't and I was doing myself a disservice in the process. Find one thing that makes you happy (NOT FOOD!!!!! emoticon ) and start there. The rest will come in time. You are strong, you are beautiful and you are a fighter! You are a Lemon!!!!!
    3184 days ago
  • NANDA82
    Your off to a good start as you were able to let it out so humbly and honestly. My biggest goal is to be more confident, so I can relate to some of your feelings. As said before, love your body and all of you right now, not X lbs from now. There will always be people that are not too fond of us and that's ok. These people will not like you because you lost 10 or 100 lbs and you will still think that there's something wrong with you. You should find your own balance and happiness before you worry about everyone else. That's not selfish, you're important! Don't ever forget that.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3185 days ago
    Losing weight will not change how you feel about yourself. I've been there, super skinny, and still felt fat and disgusting. 80lbs later and it was even worse. There is no special formula, that will make you believe in yourself, or love yourself.

    It is a hard journey. I know I've been there, still going through it. I have had numerous people tell me over and over again how worthless I am. And as I'm sure you know we are always harder on ourselves than other people are on us. I would tear myself apart more so than the ones around me would.

    It's hard work, and most important you have to be open to learning who you are, if you take the time to get to know yourself, the love will come in time. just as its a process to love others we need to take that process for ourselves.
    3185 days ago
  • DEBPRE16
    I started doing positive affirmations from Louise L. Hay a little over a year ago and it has helped me. She has written a book - You Can Heal Your Life- which has helped me too. She teaches that every time you pass a mirror you should say to yourself - I love you - It is so weird at first and some days it is still hard to do or sounds funny but I do try to do it. I don't do it every time I see a mirror but I do it now and again. Sometimes I just tell myself something positive about myself instead of I love you.

    I got the info about Louise L. Hay from my counselor I see. I can remember asking her "where do I get self esteem from - how do I do it?" So you are not alone. It takes time to change how you think and feel about yourself.

    You've written a great blog - you were open and honest and should be proud of yourself. Say - I wrote a good blog and feel good about it. Just take babysteps. I am feeling better about myself. I am capable and loveable. I am a good person who is kind and nice. You are too!

    I hope this helps a little bit.


    3186 days ago
    I can feel your emotions from reading this blog. I have some of those same feelings. Like you.. sometimes it all seems so clear.. and then it will be clear as mud. I am also working on how to fully love myself. Most of the time I am definitely in a "fake it til I make it" mode. I get so scared thinking sometimes that what if I lose the weight and I still "feel" exactly the same way.. full of doubt, fear, and still not knowing who the heck I really am.

    I am glad that you got these feelings out, girl. We can do this.. and we will do this. I don't know how long it will take us.. but we will do it.

    3186 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2566851
    I can so relate with you on this blog!! Every aspect of your blog is how I lived my life up until my Mom died in 2008. Digging down deep like you just did is the start to making things happen!!! It is going to take baby steps and small goals set for yourself.
    You took the first step~~ do you see that?? It took months of intense counseling for me to get that far!! You should be so PROUD!!!!
    There are going to be ups and downs along your journey~ you picked yourself up and brushed off and continued is what it is all about!!
    Keep blogging. Keep affirmations on your bathroom mirror! Set one goal for yourself to do in a day~ DO IT!! Then tomorrow, set two goals and does those. Build up to it. You will be amazed how good you will feel when you accomplish that first goal.
    You are worth it and you can do this~~~
    Your LEMON sisters are here to help you!!
    3186 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/25/2012 9:29:13 AM
    I think we all need to get to this point in order for us to realize that thing MUST change. It's another stepping stone in the journey. You DO deserve it, and you WILL be able to make the changes necessary. You can do this! *HUGS*
    3186 days ago
    Your blog was very poignant and a deep cathartic search from within on your journey. The "rawness" of your thoughts and words will hopefully allow you to set things straight with your priorities. You can make the change....but it has to come from within YOU. Make your "want" list a reality. No one else can make those changes for us. Remember....a dream without a plan is only a wish!

    3186 days ago
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