eating right doesn't solve all my problems
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Am having some stress because I forgot to renew my driver's license. It will expire Wednesday and I have to fly back to California on Saturday. The airport security will absolutely not allow me on a plane with an expired driver's license. I have been trying all day to renew online and have just been hitting cyber walls. I follow the directions but it doesn't work. The online link sent me in an email doesn't work. I also was given a phone number to use and it was busy every time I called. I am trying to keep down the panic. Actually, it doesn't have to be panic. If worse comes to worse, I guess I take Greyhound home. A drag, as riding on a bus for umpteen hours was not in the plan. But it gets to panic because it does bring up a lot of self-judgement over my life-long procrastination and difficulty dealing with paperwork (I had actually also misplaced the license and didn't realize it until I went to change purses just before leaving for the airport! Panic! Self-criticism for 20 minutes, all the while trying to fight the tendency. Found the license just before the taxi was arriving), which leads to...
I went fishing with my friend this afternoon. What's the problem with that? It involves a fair amount of quiet sitting. I don't mind us not talking, but I realize how much of my quiet time I have to fight negative thoughts. (I also forgot my meds.) If I just tried to rest and relax, the thoughts that arose were of my problems. Working at a job that presses so many of my buttons (after a 20-year search for a career), trying not to judge myself for not being in a relationship after having tried for 16 years to find one, having lost so much money in real estate, feeling depressed that after being so frugal for my whole adult life, I will still be just barely making it in retirement, wishing I could find work I would love to do until I drop, feeling bad that I searched and tried to solve that one for 20 years until I felt I just had to give in and do something to make decent money, feeling like I am just waiting for time to pass, etc. I have worked so hard to solve my non-food problems, but I haven't been able to. Or at least that's the way it feels. I try very hard to take my own advice and be in the moment, use rational thoughts to attack the negative ones, get in touch with my spiritual essence, etc. But it all feels like so much work and I just get tired of it. I found myself fighting back tears. And this is all after food is mostly handled.
Of course, by the time you all read this, I'll be past it, most likely. Even now, I had a moment of compassion for myself and realized I got through it. So, just say hi! The best thing you can do for me is to acknowledge your own preciousness.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Christina says "hi"! :)
2028 days ago
Wouldn't it be great if there was a button we could press to turn off our thoughts. I was off of my prozac for a couple of months and boy howdy, everything got a little bleak. WAY bleak. I know my thoughts are meaningless, but when I am overcome with grief and self persecution it's a hard loop to get out of, and it might even just be a the chemical state of my body... I am coming out of it, I've been back on my medication for 2 weeks. I know everything is fine, everything is just as it should be....even my body is perfect-it's just the filter through which I experience everything...but sometimes, it feels like crap.
I really enjoy your blogs, and the thoughtfulness that goes into them. "How we do anything is how we do everything", right? But don't you wish you could just turn it all off once in awhile?....
2046 days ago
I meant to tell everyone that all the bad feelings and thoughts pretty much dissipated that afternoon and I haven't been plagued by any of this since then! It comes and goes.
2056 days ago
You will get through this. The one I identify with most is the men. i finally realized that I'm okay without a man in my life. My life suddenly got smoother and easier when I made that realization. Sure, there are times when others go to an event with their spouse or boyfriend, but there are also people there whose spouse doesn't share their interest. It takes guts to be serene as a single in a world of pairs, but we are gutsy women!
2056 days ago
WOW, had no idea how much alike we are. I relate to:
self-judgement over life-long procrastination & difficulty dealing with paperwork
Working at a job that presses so many of my buttons
Still not knowing what my passion is, after a 20-year search for a career
Well the good news is, with No S, we have mostly handled the food problem as you said, so we are no longer self-medicating with food, which means our problems are more in our face. Which is good and bad: good because we are no longer under the influence as we try real-world solutions to dealing with them; and bad because they are in our face and are needy and demanding.
Here's wishing you some sunshine, my friend.
2056 days ago
Hope it is past now, good luck, love and hugs Donna x
2060 days ago
I've been experimenting with these actions for 28 years. With all due respect to my truly wonderful commenters, I've done every suggestion many, many times. My Zen and Advaita teachers tell me to just observe without expecting the discomfort to go away rather than the classic mistake of observing to get rid of painful feelings. They say pain does not have to equal suffering. Sometimes, observing DOES dissolve negative feelings, but if you go into it for that, you've actually lost. They and many modern therapists encourage making friends with these thoughts and feelings, but more as visitors rather than as reflections of our true selves. And we don't have to dwell on them until they go away. Noticing and then letting the attention and actions go elsewhere is also acceptable.. It's the identification with them that is the issue, and it is a tricky skill to perceive the difference. We are not our thoughts or opinions or even what we think of ourselves, though thoughts can be useful. Obviously, this is a personal journey. Certainly many have conquered food without the rest of this being an issue. Food was the last piece in their puzzle. I think it might be the first in mine. Right now, that's fine with me!
2060 days ago
Comment edited on: 10/3/2012 12:26:52 PM
This was a bold, courageous post. Would love to hear how you resolved your pickle...and how your self-acceptance and compassion is going since the trip. Have you done any experimenting with these actions?
2061 days ago
I hope you're feeling much better by now!!! I'm just now seeing this.
When that happens again, I think instead of using rationality to "attack" the negative thoughts, you should allow them to exist and let them occupy your mind for a time. It may be unpleasant but these are things you have to think about- even though they are difficult. If you continue to suppress them or not allow yourself to think about them, then they will inevitably manifest elsewhere in your life.
Keep us updated! Take comfort in knowing that you are a spectacular person, through and through!
2066 days ago
Hope it's past by now. Those times hit us all.
2068 days ago
Don't look at what is wrong in your life. I know things seem overwhelming right now, but you need to look at what IS positive in your life. Look at what has gone right. As the old song goes,"accentuate the positive and eliminate the negative". Even though you have a job that pushes you're buttons, it's a job that helps pay the bills. Think about the people who've been laid off.
And speaking as a single person, you are NOT an incomplete person because you're not in a relationship. There are plenty of happy single people out there. There are plenty of happy married people. there are plenty of miserable married and single people too.
I'm sure if you took the time to think about it, there really is a lot going right with your life.
As far as the license. You might just have to go directly to the DMV. They should be able to issue you a temporary license while yours is renewed.
2068 days ago
My prayers are with you. On the license issue though. Maybe you can quickly go down to the courthouse where you are at while your license is good and get a birth certificate copy. First see if that would be accepted at the airport. OR find out what WILL be accepted and quickly go out and get whatever they will take. NOT everyone has a drivers license, so any form of ID(picture ID) is probably accepted.
2068 days ago
There was a time I thought that if my food issues were resolved, I would have no problems. It probably is better that you already know there are other challenges in life. I hope, as you predicted, you are through it by now. Perhaps the web site finally worked. Or maybe you solved the problem another way. Hang in there. Times like these are frustrating. Try to be your own best friend. I'm sorry for the disappointments in your life and that you get tired of being in the moment and finding your spiritual essence and attacking your negative self-talk. Here's wishing you unending energy to do the things you know to do!! Take care.
2069 days ago
Every one seems have times like this. Have thought about talking to a counselor or someone to affect to help gain some inside into what organizational plans might work for you and help you get some of that burden off your back?
2069 days ago
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