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Big, scary, fresh changes

Sunday, September 23, 2012

I have been overcoming my fears and changing up my life quite a bit. Yesterday I went for a job interview at Trader Joe's and got offered the job right on the spot. I was so elated/nervous/scared that I went immediately to an OA meeting on the way home to help me deal with my feelings instead of bingeing. It was centering. I broke down a little bit when I shared because of all the contradictory emotions I was feeling. I am scared that I will be too busy to take this on, that it will take away time from my painting. But I recognize that I am always afraid of changes, and that this is an opportunity to bring new, fresh experiences to my life, and that in the past, fear of change had taken me to a very dark place.

This morning I sang my first solo at my new church gig, and I got off to a really shaky start because of nerves; the latter half of the solo went well, but my usual reaction is to have a hurricane of negative, self-berating thoughts afterwards. I went into it asking my higher power to be with me, and asking forgiveness for any mistakes and imperfections. At Coffee Hour, I wanted to raid the table, but I ended up in a conversation with a woman and concentrated on connecting instead of isolating. It kept me from stuffing my face.

On my bike ride home I passed so many binge-able places, but I managed to make it home without falling out of contact with my higher power. I knew my urge to eat was because I was afraid of the torrent of emotions. Last year, I quit all my singing jobs because I couldn't take the flood of self-hating thoughts that followed each performance. I would get almost suicidally distressed, even if the performance went well. Today, I feel like I am learning to ride out the storm. I know that I am loved and forgiven whether I have imperfections or not. Even if I got fired from the new jobs, it would be a blessing as well. Everything turns out fine in the end, because everything turns out the way HP makes it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MIRAGE727
    Way to score that job at Trader Joe's! Lots of healthy food there! Take it one day at a time and massage your schedule! You'll do great!
    As for your solo, considering you sing in praise and celebration, nerves come in various forms. None of us is perfect and our "Source" would consider the fact that you celebrate the power & the glory. I was reminded by the words coming out of my mouth to another that we walk our walk. It's our journey. It's not about style points. It's the fact that we give praise in our song of prayer! I had a similar incident about 15 years ago. I let my anxieties go and focused on why I was playing my song! It's the spirit of the song that matters! You did it!
    Stay strong and embrace the true spirit of the journey!
    2100 days ago
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