How do we live in the moment of our greatest failures?
Saturday, September 22, 2012
A lot has gone on this week and after Monday I will begin blogging again. But right now, I am sick after I betrayed a trust. I did it unthinkingly. I didn't say anything bad about this person, I just repeated something they told me in confidence in an annoyed tone of voice and they may have heard me on Thursday. They didn't tell me anything secretive but it was understood that I was not to repeat it.
I really wish I had never remembered this and I am so ashamed. But let's face it, I am only ashamed because I was caught. I am trying to do other things and breathe. I tried to imagine the worst and the best outcomes. The good thing, I don't want to eat. Shame and the stress of moving are the only times I lose my appetite. So now I am here spilling my guts hoping I will be able to at least sleep.
The best thing that could happen is that he didn't hear me.
The STAGE 1 worst thing is that he tells our coworkers what I did, they lose all respect for me and they refuse to work with me. Which they can indeed do without any fallout.
The STAGE 2 worst thing is that he just treats me with hatred and gives me the coldest looks known to man.
The worst part is that I will feel awful this weekend until I find out for sure if he heard. I see something that makes me laugh and then I remember what I did and it's like it happened all over again. It's why I can't sleep right now. That moment you wake up or jerk yourself right before you fall and remember you are screwed.
I just feel awful and nauseous and I want to be anyone but me right now. This person was intimidating before I knew him, and I liked having his friendship. But now I may have lost it and if there is one thing he can give it is the perfect look of disdain and disgust and I fear seeing that look. I know that I shouldn't obsess on something I don't even know will happen. But that has always been a problem of mine. I just want to cry and beat myself up and I am trying not to. I can't experience any joy right now and the weekend is looming before me.
The good thing is I have learned from it. I will cherish my friendships and the trust given to me. I will have more empathy for others who make a mistake and I will try to remember to be grateful for great friends when I find them.
I want to just suck it up but my control freak want's to make it better RIGHT NOW.