Quotes from my favorite comedian, Steven Wright, king of the one liners and stupid jokes ....
Friday, September 14, 2012
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car, and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East German Shepherd. Very disciplined.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing so I bought the album.
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.'
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me $95.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
BUT MY ALL TIME FAVORITE IS .....
When I was a kid, my Grandma gave me $10.00 and told me not to tell my dad. I told her it would cost her $20.00.