I have been fat ever since I was skinny!
Thursday, September 13, 2012
So, here I am. I know what I want to say but I don't know if its ok to say it..or if anyone will even care.
I hate that I am fat.. i hate that i look in the mirror and see stretch marks, and cellulite and a big fat ugly stomach. I get so angry at myself.
I find "motivation" or whatever that word is that they say to make you think you have had an Oprah "ah ha" moment.
This "motivation" lasts long enough to shed about 10 pounds or see success, then I start going back to my old ways.
What is it that I hate about myself so much? WHY do I Hate myself so much?
It's as if I am willing to commit such a slow and disgusting suicide... its suicide!
Sigh... i think back. Once upon a time, i was thin, i was PRETTY!! or kinda pretty!
I was 5 ft 7 inches and 130 pounds, But guess what? I thought I was fat..I hated myself.
I hated when i looked in the mirror I seen pudge and that my belly was soft.. it wasn't soft, i just happen to have skin but to me? it was ugly and disgusting. I had what my mother always told me was "dancers thighs". It was a nice way of telling me that i had thick thighs.
I had a slender waste but a plump butt.
I hated it..i hated every inch of my skin.
I wouldn't even look in mirrors, i wore baggy sweat shirts and loose jeans.
I look at picture now of when i was "skinny" and it makes me sad. Part of me thinks to myself.. BOY, IF I ONLY HAD THAT BODY BACK..I would wear tighter jeans and more feminine shirts..but then reality sinks in. I WAS THAT THIN, AND I STILL HATED MYSELF. I still hated my body. I still thought i was disgusting to look at.
I caught myself doing something and it made me so sad.. i found myself in todays body, looking at my younger photos and for about 5 minutes i envied her,missed her but then within 5 minutes i found myself twisting the photo,looking at it long and hard and i looked up and said WOW my legs were gross and fat!
I nearly lost it! I AM 268 POUNDS and I am calling my 130 pound self DISGUSTING and FAT.
THIS ISN'T ABOIUT FOOD. THIS ISN'T ABOTU EXERCISE. Hell, The healthier foods I have been eating have been so delicious. I love healthy foods and always have,..
Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.
I see women that are the size i was and on them it looks BEAUTIFUL and I feel envious and yet on me.. i can't forgive it. I can't LOVE it.
So... this is my blog.. it may not be popular but it's mine.
I suck at spelling at times and puncuation isn't my strongest suit but it will be honest.