I have been fat ever since I was skinny!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

So, here I am. I know what I want to say but I don't know if its ok to say it..or if anyone will even care.

I hate that I am fat.. i hate that i look in the mirror and see stretch marks, and cellulite and a big fat ugly stomach. I get so angry at myself.
I find "motivation" or whatever that word is that they say to make you think you have had an Oprah "ah ha" moment.
This "motivation" lasts long enough to shed about 10 pounds or see success, then I start going back to my old ways.
What is it that I hate about myself so much? WHY do I Hate myself so much?
It's as if I am willing to commit such a slow and disgusting suicide... its suicide!

Sigh... i think back. Once upon a time, i was thin, i was PRETTY!! or kinda pretty!
I was 5 ft 7 inches and 130 pounds, But guess what? I thought I was fat..I hated myself.
I hated when i looked in the mirror I seen pudge and that my belly was soft.. it wasn't soft, i just happen to have skin but to me? it was ugly and disgusting. I had what my mother always told me was "dancers thighs". It was a nice way of telling me that i had thick thighs.
I had a slender waste but a plump butt.
I hated it..i hated every inch of my skin.
I wouldn't even look in mirrors, i wore baggy sweat shirts and loose jeans.

I look at picture now of when i was "skinny" and it makes me sad. Part of me thinks to myself.. BOY, IF I ONLY HAD THAT BODY BACK..I would wear tighter jeans and more feminine shirts..but then reality sinks in. I WAS THAT THIN, AND I STILL HATED MYSELF. I still hated my body. I still thought i was disgusting to look at.

I caught myself doing something and it made me so sad.. i found myself in todays body, looking at my younger photos and for about 5 minutes i envied her,missed her but then within 5 minutes i found myself twisting the photo,looking at it long and hard and i looked up and said WOW my legs were gross and fat!
I nearly lost it! I AM 268 POUNDS and I am calling my 130 pound self DISGUSTING and FAT.

THIS ISN'T ABOIUT FOOD. THIS ISN'T ABOTU EXERCISE. Hell, The healthier foods I have been eating have been so delicious. I love healthy foods and always have,..
Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder.
I see women that are the size i was and on them it looks BEAUTIFUL and I feel envious and yet on me.. i can't forgive it. I can't LOVE it.

So... this is my blog.. it may not be popular but it's mine.
I suck at spelling at times and puncuation isn't my strongest suit but it will be honest.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    This was a GREAT blog! I feel alot of people hate their bodies no matter the size. I hope you can start to love yourself. You are an amazing, beautiful woman! emoticon
    2851 days ago
    I am 5'7" and at 135 I also called myself fat. Looking at those pictures after gaining weight, I realized I wished I could weigh that again. I decided if I ever did get there again, I would tell myself that I looked good no matter what my mind said. So that is what I have been doing since I hit my goal. I have to work at it - I have to make myself look at the whole and not pick myself apart. But more importantly, I feel good physically and that is taking precedence. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2967 days ago
    I've felt the same way. In fact the blog post I wrote last week talks about much the same thing ... knowing that even when I was "thin" when I looked in the mirror I saw someone who was fat. It's hard to lose weight and stay motivated when there is a deep-rooted part of you that was trained to hate your body. I feel like there is a part of my brain where the wires got crossed. Even now, when I'm fat, I look in the mirror every day thinking "it's not that bad" until I see pictures of myself at this weight and I'm confronted with the ugly truth. The way my brain wants to see myself and the way I really am don't match up. There is a disconnect. I'm still struggling myself to find out how to fix that, or at least how to deal with that so that I don't eat myself to an early grave. Thanks for sharing... even though it makes me sad that there are so many of us struggling with these bad body image issues, at least I know I'm not alone.
    2967 days ago
    Thanks for the encouragement. I didn't mean to make people scared. I guess I have just started to see how I have viewed myself over the years.
    That is an older pic and I look at it and think..what did she know that i didnt?
    but honestly..the point of this post? is its proof that this isn't about the food and its not about the treadmill or motivation. It goes deeper.
    I have done a lot of hard work over the years to change these thoughts and MOST of it has been a success but just like with weight loss?
    loving yourself..it's something you practice and maintain
    2968 days ago
    Hey sweets... I think I have just always had self image issues. I think i would like to write a post from the view of someone who even while thin, didn't think she was. I think this food thing is way deeper than food lol.

    Thank you for not giving up on me. I am trying to stay strong and I am pushing through. I can't wait to see results again.
    I have been back at this for about 3 months. i have lost 8-12 pounds (depending on the day) and 19 Inches.. I am trying so hard to keep it going but these are those days where I search for motivation and i have to dig for reasons to not give up on myself.

    HUGS back at you!!! emoticon
    2968 days ago
    This is the first blog I have read in days as I am on Dr. orders to STOP typing and let my wrists heal ...... I care enough tho to break those rules right now ..... I read this and DO care, enuf I got teary eyed ....... PLEASE look again, only this time look inward ....... I see a beautiful pic on your page and even if yu do not look this way now ........ I CARE about you .......... I know there are answers to help and other people here who care too .......... I just started reading The Spark and I see some other people who felt as you ........... so you are not hopeless ...... Please do not hate yourself ............. write me any time ok? ....... I WILL answer! ............ (the stars will shine again: do not give up!) .......... emoticon
    2968 days ago
    Oh Sweetie!! First of all. When you tell yourself all those things, you believe them. Please, please, please, do me one favor...just tonight--tell yourself you're beautiful (you don't have to believe it yet) say it over and over. Tomorrow tell yourself that you are strong-say it all day long. You've brainwashed yourself into seeing something that is not true. Your homework from me is to begin to "brainwash" yourself into seeing the truth. Please will you try this.

    One thing that really worked for me, was imagining I was talking to my very best friend. Would you say all those hurtful things to your best friend??? Now, talk to yourself as if YOU are your best friend. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. I swear to you--you can program your brain to think a different way and your body will follow. Please try this.

    We won't give up on you. You'd better not give up on yourself. I will check back in with you to make sure you are telling yourself...remember BEAUTIFUL and STRONG.

    YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2968 days ago
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