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Day 16: Toxic

Thursday, September 06, 2012

Yesterday I found myself back in a very toxic environment, filled with toxic people and painful memories. I was there to do a short lecture to a specific group and was hoping my presence would go unnoticed to the general community, but a meeting was just getting out when I arrived and I ended up running right into the people I dreaded seeing most.

It is AMAZING how you can feel in your body when emotional trauma hits. I am stiff and exhausted today from all the stress I held in my body (and heart) yesterday.

My Buddhism-based mindfulness practice suggests that I move *closer* to this kind of discomfort, but I have a hard time seeing the opportunity here. It seems so incredibly damaging to all parts of me. The best I can do right now is not run away from it, and that's what I'm working on now. Moving closer may have to wait...
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    I'm with applepiedreams; it's hard NOT to throw a yoga block at someone when they're telling you to move closer to pain. As a friend, I would love to be able to wrap my arms around you and protect you from toxicity. I know that won't help, and I know that avoiding it is, indeed, probably a cop-out. But the will is there, and I wish so much that I could bitch-slap some people for you while you go meditate. :) XO
    2115 days ago
    It's true! Emotional stress has such a toxic toll on the body. My teachers say the same. Getting closer to it, letting it be present without judgement of the pain or yourself. That's the hardest part, but maybe that's what helps us ultimately figure out what's behind it, let it go, and become more aware.

    Hope you're feeling stronger and brighter today.
    2115 days ago
    That's so cruddy! I'm so sorry for you. I don't know about moving closer to your pain, but I suppose it is true that you need to believe that it's there for a reason and accept it for what it is. Just as physical pain is there for a reason--to tell us that something is wrong and needs fixing--so is the case with emotional pain. Doesn't mean we should pick at a scab or walk on a broken leg, but we should do what we can to ensure that it heals in a healthy manner.
    2115 days ago
    I find it more helpful to be an observer of myself and my feelings, sort of taking a step back and watching the process of pain and discomfort with a non judgmental view. In a way it is like telling myself, I know, this hurts, this is stressful and so on. Just let it be what it is. It is amazing to realize that the body does indeed reaction along with our minds to trauma.

    Hoping it is not as strong for you today.

    2115 days ago
    I've started taking yoga and the instructor yesterday was giving us some spiel about moving closer to our pain and welcoming it and being grateful for it since it lets us know who we are, etc. and I just wanted to toss my yoga block at her. Kind of reminds me about what you were saying in this blog about moving closer to your discomfort. I have a hard time with it too.
    2115 days ago
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