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I DON'T Care!......or do I?

Thursday, September 06, 2012

I obviously don’t care about myself…..no it’s true. Why else would I make the choices I make? I know when I am making a bad choice, I know it is a bad choice and that I shouldn’t do it, but I do it anyway….I don’t care….

All the good intentions in the world don’t matter when I find myself craving something that isn’t good for me because…..I don’t care…..

I get determined to work out after work and I get home and take a nap because I tell myself I am really tired……I don’t care…..

I eat well all day and don’t snack only to stop for ice cream on my way home because I’ve had a bad day…..I don’t care……

I do well on the weekend days but then I will go out to a restaurant at night and not care what or how much I have…..I don’t care….

My doctor tells me I NEED to start walking for my health but I find every excuse in the book not to….I don’t care….

I’m not proud of it…I don’t care….

I’m not happy about it….I don’t care….

I’m worried I’m going to die…..I don’t care?….

….I don’t care…. I don’t care….I don’t…….. I do….. I do?

I do care that I don’t seem to have the motivation I need to follow through.
I do care that I get so over heated from the smallest amount of exertion.
I do care that I look like I do and it makes me ill to look in the mirror.
I do care that I’m so ashamed that my family has to be seen with me.
I do care that I’m at a loss on how to find my determination back.

I have to figure it out…..it has to be now…..I can’t wait any longer….cuz…….



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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hope to read another blog soon and find out how you are doing. You've got a lot of SPfriends who care about
    2028 days ago
    Keri, that was a very powerful blog. I know you care because you are just a great person. That comes from reading all your prior blogs with all your trials and tribulations yet you still stand tall and strong.

    I like Travelgrrl's response to you. We are in a war with the food manufacturers and they don't care about us - just our $$$$'s so let's you and me suck it up and just find that one small spark again and between us and Sparkland see if we can get the flame going.

    Thanks again for you kind emails and your support to me.


    2040 days ago
    Baby steps. You can do it!
    2052 days ago
    Your Sparkfriends have given you so much good advice, I don't know what I could add. But it broke my heart that looking in the mirror makes you sick and you are ashamed that your family has to be seen with you. I remember thinking my kids must be ashamed for me to go to their school, only to have them proudly take me and introduce me to their teachers and friends. They love us, and see us through eyes of love. Even when I visited my son at college, he was anxious to introduce me to friends and teachers.
    The other thing is your mirror. It was hard for me to make friends with my mirror, but it is important. I joined a team called Quitting, You can't start until you stop. We have to quit hating our looks. One of the challenges I'm in has me look in the mirror and say nice things about myself. I'm beginning to see myself as pretty. You need to see yourself as worthy. You are important to yourself and all those around you. Make friends with your mirror. It can help you. I promise. emoticon emoticon
    2053 days ago
    I know that you do care about your health and that you are making bad choices. Sometimes we just get so down on ourselves that we just don't seem to have the energy or desire to do what is good for us (like exercise and prepare healthy meals).

    Just remember that you are worth the extra effort. And once you start doing it, it will eventually become a habit.

    2053 days ago
    Looks like you have a lot of supporters here! LOL! We all have times when we lose the spark and flounder for a bit - or longer! I've been floundering for over a year now, but I feel like I'm finally getting my spark back and I'm going with it while it's here. Have you thought about finding a "mentor?" Someone who has lost the weight. Someone who's been through the struggle. I did and it's made a difference!!

    2053 days ago
    Hi Keri,
    I am just finishing the book, "The end of overeating" by David Kessler, MD. It's got a ton of information in it but one of the main points is that since 1980, the food industry has spent billions figuring out what human beings will compulsively eat. And guess what? It's sugar, fat, and salt. So they continue to layer almost every processed and restaurant food with these three ingredients to the point where it is sickening. Sugar, fat, and salt trigger the "reward" center of our brain so we keep seeking it out. And since processed food is available everywhere, 24/7, and portions are bigger and bigger, we get fatter and fatter.

    I'm at the end of the book now where he discusses strategies to stay thin in view of this billion dollar industry urging us to overeat crap that is bad for us.

    I think you DO care, but you are discouraged. But think a minute. Each one of us is single-handedly fighting a war against a billion-dollar industry. We've got to consciously make good choices for awhile to train our brains to find "rewards" from other things than food. That's why exercise is so good; it triggers the same feel-good chemicals in the brain that eating does.

    Don't give up the fight! Don't let the thousands of food scientists and marketers and advertising people hijack your brain and WIN!

    I'd like to challenge you to do ONE POSITIVE THING consistently for a week. Track your food? Go for a walk? Put a bag of baby carrots in your car for the drive home so you don't stop for ice cream? Do it for a week, and then pick one NEW habit to add and do that the next week. Start small and get your confidence back. You are worth it and emoticon

    HUGS, emoticon
    2053 days ago
    Oh Keri. I understand all too well. I decided to stop everything from whirling about around me. I got planted in the life I had . I spent time just going through the daily steps, not worrying about what my calories were and how little I moved ( as little as 750 steps in a whole day ). I just kept coming to SPark EVERYDAY. I read followed my teams, not always posting but reading what others posted. I subscribed to as many blogs that I found were consistent about blogging and followed them daily, making a comment or 2 here and there. I basically showed up, that was it. Little by little and we are talking weeks here, I started to post once in a while to some teams. I commented on more blogs, still tracking most days and doing what I could. Then slowly, I started out. I chose 1 daily goal, water. That was all. I worked on getting better with my water. I am still not 100% on board with drinking it all every day, but at some point, I noticed I was choosing it more often than not. I went back to Stage 1 with fastbreaks, knowing I might not be able to fulfill that much yet. I let Spark determine my calorie limits. I started to take notice of when I would be in range and what was different those days, still not perfect. From there I looked at what I could, in the least way possible, do for activity. I found chair exercise. Now I do those short videos when I can and I TRY to walk. I am being so patient with myself. I no longer look at the scale with a glare or pleading eyes. It is just a measurement. It is not the be all and end all of my life. This has taken me 3 months to get going. I am happy with my progress 6 lbs in 3 months. It IS progress. I know if I continue to show up and do ALL I can do that day then I am a success. I applaud the little tiny stuff, like getting myself a glass of water, instead of asking someone else, walking around the grocery store. Those steps count, it all counts. I have a positive journal. I add all the positives from each day in there. Got dressed, positive. Ate a healthy breakfast, positive. Big or small I count them all.

    I refuse to give up and I know you refuse too. Go back as far as you need to and take it easy. You can do it, I am, so anyone can.

    2053 days ago
    The first step to take is one you have already
    taken. You DO care so love yourself enough
    to do what is best. You have so much that
    is good in your life. I know you will start
    taking the right steps for you. You CARE
    and I do, too! HUGS!
    2053 days ago
    emoticon Those first steps are the hardest and we cannot expect to undo a lifetime of 'not caring' or rather more to the point not taking care of ourselves as we do for everyone else!

    As to the 'overheating with minimal exertion'...oh yeah I'm right there with you on that! As soon as I do anything to raise my heartrate...I am red in the face and sweating enough to fill buckets! But lately I have quit thinking this a bad thing instead seeing it as proof that I am WORKING to get healthier!!!

    You CAN do this one day/ step at a time!!! emoticon
    2053 days ago
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