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Being totally honest with myself in my typical rambling way lol

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Biggest loser fall challenge started today so of course had to report our weights. 327.8 Yes higher than it was a few months ago BUT I have kept off almost 15lbs so I'm very very pleased with myself for that!

I do need to be honest enough with myself to admit I don't know how I haven't gained those 15lbs back but I haven't.

I have been pretty good with taking one of my anti-depressants but haven't taken any of the second one. And haven't been good about taking my metformin (for low blood sugar) at all. There have been days I have just forgotten but again, to be honest, I haven't wanted to take it b/c of the nasty side effects.

I really need to be on my full dose of metformin and will take about 6 weeks to get there as I slowly have to work up to it. And even at that I will get very bad gas plus very lose burning exploding stools.

I've noticed I'm back to craving sugar all the time and almost having an anxiety or panic attack if I don't have some around me at all times. I can be so full that I'm sick and yet still can't think about anything other than having something sweet. My therapist and dr have explained my problems and I know it's not all mental and that I need the metformin, at least for right now.

But I'm back to the same problem I've had before...I logically know I need to lose weight and yes I would like to have the freedom that weighing less and being healthy would give me but at the same time, if I'm totally honest with myself, I don't care. I don't care that I am causing my own death, I don't want to give up my pop or chocolate or even cut them down, I don't care that I'm causing myself to be in pain all day every day by making my body carry this extra weight, I don't want to eat healthy, I don't want to change my life and not be in front of the tv all the time. I know I need to change for my son, I need to show him how to change, I need to show him there is more to life then the way I've lived it, that sitting around all weekend isn't right.

I don't understand why I feel this way, it's most certainly not the first time I've struggled with what I know I should do vs what I want to do. I know weight loss involves changing and pushing ourselves to do stuff but there are times I've had the urge, the drive, the desire to make the changes and I don't have those feelings now. And I should. Most definitely I should. And why isn't changing for my son enough? I love him more than I ever thought possible (stories about the amount of love you feel for a child don't do the feeling justice!) so why don't I change to make a better life for him? Wouldn't I want to do that for him if I was a good mom?? A really good caring mom would put her own feelings aside to do what's best for her child right?? so why can't I do that??

Are these feelings caused by fear? idk Are these feelings trying to hide or masquerade the amount of fear I feel? again idk I do know I feel an immense amount of fear at the thought of losing weight and making changes in my life. why? that's another idk. Find it interesting that getting a divorce, cutting my income in half and being a single parent didn't scare me as much as getting healthy. what is wrong with me??!

My sugar cravings override all logic. I will sacrifice paying bills or doing others things just to have the candy I think I can't live without. yep logically I know its wrong. And I know fixing that would help not only my health but also my finances but I can't seem to beat it. Just today I went and spent $22 I didn't have on buying candy at the store to stash in my snack drawer at work. :( I have bought healthy food the last two grocery trips and I know this will sound like an exaggeration to most but I swear its the truth and has been for so long I can't remember when it didn't happen but there are times that any food other than junk food literally makes my stomach sick so the healthy food has pretty much gone to waste..again I don't have spare money to be wasting on groceries to go bad.

There are no answer in this blog..I'm not sure how I'm going to change these feelings and behaviors. I know I need to force myself to take the metformin and to get at least 10 minutes a day in exercise..both of which boil down to will power which is obviously something I don't have much of. I also know I need to start loving and having faith and believe in myself.

And I do know that I feel better having written all this out. Although, again as long as I'm being honest, I'm nervous about people reading it and their responses, especially the ones that say "just do it" that's all you have to do..bleck! I so don't like that answer even if it's a logical one! lol

I've been thinking about typing this blog for days and had so many issues I wanted to address but as usual I rambled on typing the thoughts as they came to me so I'm sure I've forgotten things I meant to address..but it's long enough as it is. And I do feel better..not that the problems are solved but that even if no one responds, which is fine, I don't feel so alone or like a freak or loser for having these feelings.

If you made it this fair then you deserve a medal for staying with me this long! :)haha and thank you for giving me a few minutes of your day!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I to can relate to alot of what your saying. It is so hard when you know exactly what your suppose to do and you just don't do motivation, no will power, no get up and go...I struggle with this to everyday..
    I have noticed that the sugar is alot of my problem also..I battle with it minute by minute..I gotten in the habit of buying a soda and chips or candybar at work. that's my everyday snack. I know when I walk into the breakroom in the morning, I tell myself I'm not going to do this today...turn right around and do it...
    Get home and eat supper and then talk myself into eating the ice cream before bed.
    Oh, did I go for the walk I said I was going to do faithfully.......NO...
    I so know what your going through..and struggle also..So my dear your not alone...
    I am glad we have this time to share and know that our friends here on sparkpage know what we're going through and will be there to help anytime we need it..
    Sometimes as you mentioned its nice to just write it down. it brings alittle relief to the soul and mind.
    Thanks for sharing. I so pray you get some answers that will help you achieve what you are trying to set for yourself during this challenge..
    We can do this together.
    2268 days ago
  • NICKI984
    wow.....I totally have the same exact feelings you have. While I will not put sweets in front of paying my bills everything else rings true for me. I have a 3 year old daughter that deserves so much better from me. It's easy for someone to read something like this and say "maybe you should see a counselor" but they seriously don't help all that much to begin with. They cannot answer the burning question for you "Why do I feel the way I feel?" or "why do I do the things I do?" It may feel better to talk about some of the stuff but it really doesn't help. (At least in my opinion) Just know that there are people out there that are thinking/going through the same thing you are. My thing is I keep asking myself what is going to motivate me? A heart attack? Blood clots in my legs from sitting around all the time? What is it going to be and why can't I just get up and do something before something like that happens?!

    I'm not great at offering advice but the one thing that gets me motivated (on the occasions I am motivated) is that I don't want my daughter to find me dead on the couch or in my computer chair, it wouldn't be fair to her to find me like that. So, even though I don't feel like I'm doing anything for myself, I HAVE to do it for her...scared or not....she deserves a mom that's going to be around for her!
    2268 days ago
    Hi, first I wanted to tell you that when my husband first started taking Metformin, he had horrible diarrhea, but he was taking it on an empty stomach. After he started taking it with food, he got better, and now that his body is used to it he doesn't even have to take it with food anymore. Are you taking yours with food? If not, and your doctor or pharmacist says it's okay, it might help you.

    I can relate to so much of what you're saying in your blog! In fact, that part about "why isn't changing for my son enough? I love him more than I ever thought possible (stories about the amount of love you feel for a child don't do the feeling justice!) so why don't I change to make a better life for him?" are almost the very words I've written on one of the Spark teams I'm a member of. Except that in my case, I have a daughter. She's 21 now and in college, but she's an only child and has some physical & mental problems so I definitely need to be here for her in the future.

    I don't have any real answers. I can say that I used to just use the nutrition tracker and didn't do any of the "Community" parts of Spark. Now that I'm posting more and replying to others when they have a need, I feel better about myself and I'm a little more motivated. If truth be told, I don't want to give up the extra food, either. I'm depressed a lot (even with medication) and don't really feel like I care sometimes. When I'm less depressed, I feel more like I do care.

    Since I've been more active in the Spark community, I've even pledged to do 10 minutes of exercise a day. It's been 5 days now and I'm still making myself do it. I'm doing the chair exercise videos, since my feet and knees give me problems. You wouldn't think 10 minutes would make you feel better, but it does. At least I feel like I'm making some small progress toward my goal.

    I wonder if it would help you to talk to a counselor or therapist about why you're so scared of getting healthy. I'm scared all the time (I have OCD, an anxiety disorder, so I can relate to fear), and I guess in a way I feel like my weight kind of "insulates" me from life or keeps me safe. I wonder if you have any feelings like that? Anyway, you are definitely not alone - I feel for you and I'm struggling for the desire to get healthy, too. Hang in there!
    2268 days ago

    Comment edited on: 9/5/2012 9:46:35 PM
    I have absolutely been there with the sugar and need for candy over food.
    I have no answer for you.
    Just please know I care and if there is any support I can offer you, just ask.

    2268 days ago
  • 390TO130
    I could have written this...word for word. I won't shove advice at you. I will simply say that you are not alone.
    2268 days ago
    first you have to believe in yourself. maybe counseling will help. your son is totally worth your effort to change your habits. there is sugar free chocolate now that tastes like the real thing. you could try that. I am not really one to give advice because I sure have made my own mistakes but I just wanted you to know someone cares about you and you are not alone. good luck and I know you can do it.
    2268 days ago
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