Being totally honest with myself in my typical rambling way lol
Wednesday, September 05, 2012
Biggest loser fall challenge started today so of course had to report our weights. 327.8 Yes higher than it was a few months ago BUT I have kept off almost 15lbs so I'm very very pleased with myself for that!
I do need to be honest enough with myself to admit I don't know how I haven't gained those 15lbs back but I haven't.
I have been pretty good with taking one of my anti-depressants but haven't taken any of the second one. And haven't been good about taking my metformin (for low blood sugar) at all. There have been days I have just forgotten but again, to be honest, I haven't wanted to take it b/c of the nasty side effects.
I really need to be on my full dose of metformin and will take about 6 weeks to get there as I slowly have to work up to it. And even at that I will get very bad gas plus very lose burning exploding stools.
I've noticed I'm back to craving sugar all the time and almost having an anxiety or panic attack if I don't have some around me at all times. I can be so full that I'm sick and yet still can't think about anything other than having something sweet. My therapist and dr have explained my problems and I know it's not all mental and that I need the metformin, at least for right now.
But I'm back to the same problem I've had before...I logically know I need to lose weight and yes I would like to have the freedom that weighing less and being healthy would give me but at the same time, if I'm totally honest with myself, I don't care. I don't care that I am causing my own death, I don't want to give up my pop or chocolate or even cut them down, I don't care that I'm causing myself to be in pain all day every day by making my body carry this extra weight, I don't want to eat healthy, I don't want to change my life and not be in front of the tv all the time. I know I need to change for my son, I need to show him how to change, I need to show him there is more to life then the way I've lived it, that sitting around all weekend isn't right.
I don't understand why I feel this way, it's most certainly not the first time I've struggled with what I know I should do vs what I want to do. I know weight loss involves changing and pushing ourselves to do stuff but there are times I've had the urge, the drive, the desire to make the changes and I don't have those feelings now. And I should. Most definitely I should. And why isn't changing for my son enough? I love him more than I ever thought possible (stories about the amount of love you feel for a child don't do the feeling justice!) so why don't I change to make a better life for him? Wouldn't I want to do that for him if I was a good mom?? A really good caring mom would put her own feelings aside to do what's best for her child right?? so why can't I do that??
Are these feelings caused by fear? idk Are these feelings trying to hide or masquerade the amount of fear I feel? again idk I do know I feel an immense amount of fear at the thought of losing weight and making changes in my life. why? that's another idk. Find it interesting that getting a divorce, cutting my income in half and being a single parent didn't scare me as much as getting healthy. what is wrong with me??!
My sugar cravings override all logic. I will sacrifice paying bills or doing others things just to have the candy I think I can't live without. yep logically I know its wrong. And I know fixing that would help not only my health but also my finances but I can't seem to beat it. Just today I went and spent $22 I didn't have on buying candy at the store to stash in my snack drawer at work. :( I have bought healthy food the last two grocery trips and I know this will sound like an exaggeration to most but I swear its the truth and has been for so long I can't remember when it didn't happen but there are times that any food other than junk food literally makes my stomach sick so the healthy food has pretty much gone to waste..again I don't have spare money to be wasting on groceries to go bad.
There are no answer in this blog..I'm not sure how I'm going to change these feelings and behaviors. I know I need to force myself to take the metformin and to get at least 10 minutes a day in exercise..both of which boil down to will power which is obviously something I don't have much of. I also know I need to start loving and having faith and believe in myself.
And I do know that I feel better having written all this out. Although, again as long as I'm being honest, I'm nervous about people reading it and their responses, especially the ones that say "just do it" that's all you have to do..bleck! I so don't like that answer even if it's a logical one! lol
I've been thinking about typing this blog for days and had so many issues I wanted to address but as usual I rambled on typing the thoughts as they came to me so I'm sure I've forgotten things I meant to address..but it's long enough as it is. And I do feel better..not that the problems are solved but that even if no one responds, which is fine, I don't feel so alone or like a freak or loser for having these feelings.
If you made it this fair then you deserve a medal for staying with me this long! :)haha and thank you for giving me a few minutes of your day!