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A Father in my life? new to me

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

I never had anyone I could call Dad. That name has never rolled off my tongue. I grew up without my biological father, and had alot of resentment toward him. So do my 2 sisters.

Over the years I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have grown from resenting him to understanding how easy it is to be afraid to take steps forward... not as though I am doing a job Fathers should do, but because somehow I think I understand because I have anxiety and addictions, and depression - and I believe he has some kind of chemical imbalance that can all play a part in what could have made him decide he wasn't the best to be around for.

He chose to be great friends with my grandfather, and on and off talk to my mom, but never his kids, which is where my anger stems from more. I feel like he just hated us. I am not fully over that but I would take any time I have with him to get to know him, not tell him I hate him.

So as I grew up, I found a way to set aside anger and look for him. I continuously looked and my instincts led me to finding a facebook name like his. There were numerous names, and most had no picture. My instincts had me pick one and write it a message. Turns out I got ahold of him after all these years.

It was sketchy at first in 2010-2011, and led to me not calling him and he didnt call me after a while, I was still scared, and as much as I want him in my life I couldn't be brave enough to see him at that time.

A few months ago in April I found out his Father passed away. (grandfather on his side I never met or seen) and a few years before that his Mom passed (grandmother I haven't met or seen)

I wrote him on Facebook giving my condolences, and asked him a few questions about the world that I was scared about, and I ended up talking to him again.

He seems very open about how much he has missed in our lives, and how he loves us, and how he wasn't the best person to be around, or how he was sick, etc. I don't know all the details. He calls often, but its not for very long, and I still have yet to just sit me & him to fill eachother in on life.

I was nervous but August 18th I got him to swing by on his motorcycle and see me for the first time in like 15-20 years. It dosent seem that long, but I guess according to the calendar it has been. I was nervous, but I feel I am just like him inside, so I wasn't terrified.

He has made it a point to come by and drop off a framed picture of us together his girlfriend/best friend has made for us both, which was very touching.

I will always be afraid to hear promises from my Dad. I don't know him too well, and he dosen't know me fully yet. I will take this as it comes. I let him see his grandchildren. I am also honest to my kids, so if he did stop coming by/talking , I will simply tell them its because "he may be scared or maybe when we talk to him again we can ask him" I don't sugar coat things too much for my kids.

The fact that my Dad is around, and I am now 30 years old ((says the calendar) even though I think I am 18, )) is just weird. i told him I need time to just sit and talk things out for a while with him, not just a 15minute visit, or 5 minute phone call. Even though it was so much more than I have ever got from him.

I assure him he is doing the right thing, and I also got him talking to my younger sister. She laid into him at first and got emotional, and so did he, which was a good thing.

I think I am just scared that he may go astray again. Normal feelings I would say.

He's not perfect, I know this, but I will do my best to build this relationship.

Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment.
(p.s. the pic shows my full body shot almost, so compare that with my heaviest pic, lol!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    One step, one day at a time.

    Where possible, having a dad or grandfather in our lives is better than not having one. If he's not a danger to you or your kids, then this has to be good news.

    Now that you're a parent, you know how hard it is and how frightening it is. Your dad was wrong not to talk to you all those years, but bless you for working to get over that and recognize that he made mistakes, but he's still your dad.

    I hope this turns out to be good for all of you.

    2393 days ago
    I'm glad you are taking a chance and getting to know him, and that you are being cautious and taking it slow. It's a difficult situation but I believe you are doing what is right. emoticon
    2394 days ago
    Aw it's great that you managed to get back in touch : )
    2394 days ago
    I'm glad you can spend time talking with your father. My older brother & his wife split when my nephew was just 6 & he did not get to spend a lot of time with his dad (my brother's fault). They were finally starting to get close again when my nephew was 14 but less than a month after Joshua turned 15 my brother was killed in a car accident. So please spend what time you can with him because you don't know how long you will have him.
    2394 days ago
    Glad you are happy, many us grew up without fathers. I found there were many children with only one parent. Like you, we have gotten along. This is all behind you and you can fully fly now.
    2394 days ago
    Hi: I divorced when I daughter had 11 months. His father tried to kill me once and my son 3 times. He went to jail. I married again when my daughter was 2 1/2 years. Their father never asked for them; but I taught them who was their father and to love him no matter what. The truth is I never loved him and he was with others women and I didn't care; but when he got drunk he started to fight with me and my older child. Now my son is almost 28 years old and my daughter 25. They visit their father and the family for his side. His family never loved me because I was Catholic and they were Pentecostal. I never talked bad to them about him or his family. He never paid child support. My husband for 23 years now made his job as a father for them. Now they say my husband is their real father and their real father is the one who made possible that they are in this world. They call my husband Dad and his name. They call their real father dad. my son has mental health's problem since he was little. I know his father is guilty of the sickness of my son; but we just live a great life together with my husband. He is a wonderful person that I told him if he wanted to marry me he had to love my children first and I can tell you I never see a father loving the children as my husband do with mine. My children still with me and a nephew came here when he was 16 just for a while and stayed here. Now he is 25 and he say he never will leave our home. Every person that comes to my home say that in this home they can breathe peace. I can say thank you LORD for giving us a great man in our life. Their father will be father; but my husband is the one that receive all the gifts. It's great you found your father and start a relationship with him. You'll know what happen with him. Maybe he was scare of see all of you again and you and your sister rejected it him. Give him a chance. If like you have a new father and both have a chance to know each other. Have a Blessed week. emoticon
    2394 days ago
    Wow.. big news for you.. and big changes.. good job and good luck! Hugs!

    2394 days ago
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