I never had anyone I could call Dad. That name has never rolled off my tongue. I grew up without my biological father, and had alot of resentment toward him. So do my 2 sisters.
Over the years I have made my fair share of mistakes. I have grown from resenting him to understanding how easy it is to be afraid to take steps forward... not as though I am doing a job Fathers should do, but because somehow I think I understand because I have anxiety and addictions, and depression - and I believe he has some kind of chemical imbalance that can all play a part in what could have made him decide he wasn't the best to be around for.
He chose to be great friends with my grandfather, and on and off talk to my mom, but never his kids, which is where my anger stems from more. I feel like he just hated us. I am not fully over that but I would take any time I have with him to get to know him, not tell him I hate him.
So as I grew up, I found a way to set aside anger and look for him. I continuously looked and my instincts led me to finding a facebook name like his. There were numerous names, and most had no picture. My instincts had me pick one and write it a message. Turns out I got ahold of him after all these years.
It was sketchy at first in 2010-2011, and led to me not calling him and he didnt call me after a while, I was still scared, and as much as I want him in my life I couldn't be brave enough to see him at that time.
A few months ago in April I found out his Father passed away. (grandfather on his side I never met or seen) and a few years before that his Mom passed (grandmother I haven't met or seen)
I wrote him on Facebook giving my condolences, and asked him a few questions about the world that I was scared about, and I ended up talking to him again.
He seems very open about how much he has missed in our lives, and how he loves us, and how he wasn't the best person to be around, or how he was sick, etc. I don't know all the details. He calls often, but its not for very long, and I still have yet to just sit me & him to fill eachother in on life.
I was nervous but August 18th I got him to swing by on his motorcycle and see me for the first time in like 15-20 years. It dosent seem that long, but I guess according to the calendar it has been. I was nervous, but I feel I am just like him inside, so I wasn't terrified.
He has made it a point to come by and drop off a framed picture of us together his girlfriend/best friend has made for us both, which was very touching.
I will always be afraid to hear promises from my Dad. I don't know him too well, and he dosen't know me fully yet. I will take this as it comes. I let him see his grandchildren. I am also honest to my kids, so if he did stop coming by/talking , I will simply tell them its because "he may be scared or maybe when we talk to him again we can ask him" I don't sugar coat things too much for my kids.
The fact that my Dad is around, and I am now 30 years old ((says the calendar) even though I think I am 18, )) is just weird. i told him I need time to just sit and talk things out for a while with him, not just a 15minute visit, or 5 minute phone call. Even though it was so much more than I have ever got from him.
I assure him he is doing the right thing, and I also got him talking to my younger sister. She laid into him at first and got emotional, and so did he, which was a good thing.
I think I am just scared that he may go astray again. Normal feelings I would say.
He's not perfect, I know this, but I will do my best to build this relationship.
Thank you for reading. Feel free to comment.
(p.s. the pic shows my full body shot almost, so compare that with my heaviest pic, lol!