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Feeling Utterly Defeated...

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

I’m so depressed. I’ve been deeply depressed for about 14 years now, but since March, I had been feeling SO much better. I started a new medication called Viibryd and it was like taking off dark sunglasses… the world looked completely different because I was so happy, finally. However, in the past two weeks or so, I’ve become increasingly depressed and it is almost too much to handle. I am doing all that I can to pull myself out of it, but I’m still so unhappy. My friends have been a great source of comfort, but I can’t seem to shake this depression.

One possible cause for the worsening depression could be that I’ve been ill for the past two months or so, and I haven’t kept much down, including my medication. Not having a steady dose in your system can really mess with your head, so I’m guessing it has to do with that. Another possible cause is that I decreased the dose of one of my medications. I take 40 mg of Viibryd and I was trying to wean myself off of Wellbutrin XL (under my doctor’s supervision). I started taking 150 mg rather than 300 mg about a month ago, so it could also be the cause of some of the depression. Finally, my ex and his girlfriend moved to the tiny town that I live in, and I see them often now. I wish it affect me at all, but wishing doesn’t make it not so. It’s embarrassing to admit that I care at all. I mean, I don’t want him back in my life in any capacity, not even as a resident of the same town, but the anger, bitterness, hatred and sadness that his past behaviors caused have been resurfacing. I feel stupid and pathetic and utterly defeated.

Any words of encouragement would be welcome. I need to overcome this depression.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Oh wow, I am so sorry to hear about your depression emoticon My mother has dealt with depression since I was in jr. high and there are times when it gets so bad that she can't even leave the house and/or she can't let anybody come into our house because she gets horribl anxiety attacks. First, I want you to know that you're not at all alone. As you mentioned, you have your friends and your doctors for support and guidance. Also, you have all the people on SparkPeople who are here for you no matter what. Second, I want to point out that in no way are you stupid or pathetic for feeling so awful now that your ex and his girlfriend live in your town. No matter how over him you are, there can still be feelings of bitterness and hurt that show up whenever he does, so there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling that way. You sound like an incredibly strong woman who just happens to be going through a lot right now. I know you said you feeling defeated right now, but you are not. You can and will get through this. It might take awhile or be more difficult than you thought, but you can handle it and most importantly, you will get through this. Just remember to lean on your friends (on here and in person) and your doctors whenever you need to....that's what they're all there for. Stay strong!! emoticon emoticon
    2071 days ago
    I'm glad to hear you see a professional. I have been through therapy before and found it immensely helpful - livesavin, even. I was also very depressed for many years, mainly due to an abusive relationship. I know what it is like to live under that dark cloud and wonder if it is possible to be happy again. I remember going outside and looking up at the clouds, or breathing in the scent of fallen leaves and thinking, "here's a reason to stay alive, to just see/smell that one more time." Take care of yourself and try to find some little thing in your life to reflect on that brings you hope and light.

    I am adding you to my friends list so that I can keep in touch.
    2071 days ago
  • CSNOW71
    Wow, you are such an amazing person! I would not have the courage to pour my soul out like you have. You should think of all the positive things you have going on and don't worry about the ex. The best way to get back at him is to look like you're having fun, and doing better without him.
    You should definitely talk to your Dr though about the side effects and length of time regarding changing up on your meds. This can really play a key role in your depression.
    Best Wishes and take care of yourself!

    2071 days ago
    I'm sorry for not mentioning it before... I do see a therapist and I work closely with two other mental health professionals. I'm not suicidal or anything like that, I really just need some encouragement and kind words... and maybe suggestions for how to get over this kind of thing. I appreciate your comment though :)
    2071 days ago

    It is time to give a call to your doctor about your symptoms. Do that as soon as possible.

    2071 days ago
  • CROWLEY123
    I would encourage you to seek professional support, and therapy. While we are all here to help and support your efforts to live a healthy lifestyle and make healthy choices, I don't think any of us are equipped to address long term depression or other medical issues.
    While there are lots of encouraging articles on this website, it sounds to me like you need more than encouragement. You need professional guidance.
    Take care, seek professional help, get well.
    2071 days ago
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