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Sunday, August 19, 2012

I am so irritated, and it involves my step kids and their biological mother. I am so tired of being the "bigger" person... So, I need to vent my frustrations to avoid doing or saying something stupid. There really isn't another place to say anything, as my kids are on my Facebook and Twitter, and I refuse to wrap them up in drama. So, anyway..

My two (step) boys live with my husband and I full time. I have raised them as my own and have had them in my care for almost ten years. My husbands ex walked out on the boys when they were 3 and 5 years old, and have been basically non-existent in their lives for the most part. It truly baffles me that she could walk out on two such beautiful babies. She only sees them on holidays and birthdays and basically occasions that she "has" to see them. There is no set schedule as to when she sees them or not, she just takes them when she feels like it. It is pretty crappy for the kids, and going into this relationship, I never intended on being their mother. I went into this thinking, I will just be their friend, and I won't force any sort of parent-like relationship with them. They will turn to me if necessary. Well, about three years into my husband and I dating, they did just that. They latched onto me as their "mother" and I happily filled that role for them. I do it without regrets and with unconditional love. They are my boys. I don't even refer to them as my step children anymore, only as my sons.

My youngest turned 13 yesterday. We had a great day celebrating with him. I bought a small helium tank and filled about 40 balloons to place in his bedroom for him to wake up to. 13 is a special birthday! He loved waking up to a room full of balloons and thought it was a really cool surprise. We had a great afternoon playing outside, his favorite dinner of tacos, and then off to the local ice cream farm for some mini golf fun, driving range, batting cages, arcade and ice cream. What a great day!

Well, in the middle of the day, it came to my attention that their biological mother, has begun referring to me as "monster".. as in, "Step Monster"... Not that I care what she says about me, because I don't, I really hate the way that she constantly tries to turn my boys against me. I have been raising her kids, and taken them in as if they were my own, and yet she still tries to bad mouth me and teach them that I am the enemy. I have been arguing a lot with my oldest, who is 15 going on 45, (haha), and it is typical parent/teenager head butting. I am sure that she knows that we butt heads on things, and has now started referring to me as a monster. I hate how she puts my boys in this position. It is not fair to them. They are in between a rock and a hard place and I am sure that it is messing with their heads. To me, that is purely emotional abuse. They don't need this. My husband has told her to cut it out, but no matter what, she always ends up starting drama with me again. I never say a bad word about her to the boys, even though in the heat of the moment, I desperately want to. But, I am always trying to be the bigger person. No matter my feelings, shes hurting them. Causing them confusion and they don't need this stress. Her raging jealousy over their love and respect for me as their mother, has really turned HER into a monster. Not me.

Part of me knows deep down that my boys Do love me. Do respect me. Do see how I have done everything I can to keep them happy and good kids. Their grades in school have turned from straight C's to mostly A's with an occasional B. Their maternal grandparents have both individually thanked me for turning the kids around and have both noticed a major change in their behavior, and overall attitude towards life. Which is certainly moving, seeing that their daughter is the kids biological mother. People around me praise me all the time for being a wonderful mother to them, and for raising them with such unconditional love. My parents have told me how proud they are of me, and my entire family has accepted the boys and embraced them as their own. It truly is wonderful.

The other part of me is living in fear of the day that they really do turn against me. That she will have succeeded in convincing the kids that I truly am just a "monster" and the enemy. I know that being their biological mother, that she does have some sort of influence on their thoughts and emotions. They will always listen to her on some level. And that hurts. It hurts that I have been a mother to these two wonderful children that she chose to walk out on all those years ago. I have taken them under my wing as my own, and yet she could, at any moment, rip that all away from me. I love them so very much and still feel as though she may succeed in her mission to make me out as the "monster".

Today, the day after my youngest's 13th birthday, their biological mother was supposed to take them for the afternoon to celebrate his birthday. She picked them up, unwrapped presents in the car, with her "new" boyfriend, took them to a restaurant down the street and returned an hour later. An HOUR. An hour with her son that she gave birth to 13 years ago.

And I'm the "monster"...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    The boys see the truth. emoticon
    2130 days ago
    Kids know what is what.... and who is who.... and who is what emoticon


    Smile and Enjoy the Rest of Your Day!
    Melinda (gopintos)
    Dr Oz Show Fans Team
    2130 days ago
    I agree with all that's been said and grew up in a similar situation. Trust me, they will see who's there for them if not now then later. Although you may not be thinking this way, the absentee parent who sees them as an obligation will make certain choices once they are 18 an no longer an obligation. Although there may be some hard times before then when those kids start longing for a relationship with her. You can make it!
    2131 days ago
    I know you are struggling right now and thank you for ranting here at Spark People, where the boys can't read the blog. Teenage years are very difficult even with biological children. My two sons and I had some very difficult years during that time, and Thank God that after being away from my house for several years, we have a much better relationship and they truly understand the hardships of being a single parent raising children and working 2 jobs to support them on my own with no support from their other parent. Don't underestimate what your boys understand, they do know exactly who has been their mother all these years. Stay strong and vent here when you need to. emoticon
    2131 days ago
  • PICKIE98
    You are the bigger person, BUt kids know that,, you also know that the best thing you can do is never bad mouth her,, you do not.. These kids are old enough to be told that sometimes people make choices for selfish reaosn, then later tehy still want it all, not thinking of how their actions are hurting others, how it touches a LOT of hearts and minds. Pointing out that thousands of people do this in different ways, she will not be bad-mouthed in their face!!
    They also have the right to tell her how they feel, whether they want to be with her,and how it makes them feel whn she puts them last.

    These kids are very smart,, they know EXACTLY what their "donor mother is really like.

    Kee doing what you are doing, pray hard and love them as you already do..
    2131 days ago
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