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So Easily Turned

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Wow, have I fallen off the wagon. I had been journaling, at least 3 or 4 times a week, since I started this process in April. I haven’t journaled in about 3 weeks. And, interestingly, in the last 2 weeks, I’ve gotten way off track: stopped exercising; not always tracking my food; not getting my minimum F&V; eating a lot of things that aren’t good for me, in quantities that shouldn’t be.

Wow. That’s sad.
After all the progress I made, after the 11# I lost, after all the postings and encouragement I was able to give, I got myself way off track quite quickly and easily.

Don’t get me wrong. My progress has, by no means, been swift or consistent. But I’m trying to be realistic about how difficult it is to lose weight, especially for those of us “of a certain age.” The lack of consistency wasn’t a major issue, either. At least I WAS making progress, even if it was in fits and starts.

But it concerns me that I so easily strayed from what I was doing, what was making me feel and look better. I was really proud of the changes I’d made, even the smallest ones. And then, just that quickly and easily, I caved. I gave in to the lazy, unmotivated, undisciplined part of myself. Turns out she was never really gone, just hiding out, waiting to tempt me back into my old ways. And I let her. Heck, I followed along gleefully.

This is not an easy process, changing how I think and act around food. There is absolutely no guarantee that I can do this for any length of time. No guarantee that I’ll even be able to do it today or tomorrow, even if I’ve been successful for weeks or months. 
There is no coasting here, no autopilot. It requires me to make a mental commitment every single day. A daily reminder to do what I have to do, what I need to do. And then follow through.

The mature adult in me understands this. You don’t get something for nothing. I know that.
But the childish part of me wants to have it all. I want to eat what I want, when I want, as much as I want. Measuring and weighing my food? Planning healthy meals? Tracking what I’m eating? No thanks.
I want to sit on the couch watching TV or lounge on the back porch reading the paper. Walking? Strength training? Nope. Not in the mood.

You know, just writing that last paragraph, I realize how incredibly lazy, immature, ridiculous, and - okay, we can say it - STUPID I sound.

If I want to lose weight and change my body, there’s only one way that’s going to happen: if I make it happen. And this isn’t rocket science, for heaven’s sake. We need to eat less and move more, simple as that.

No one is going to come to my house and drag me out of bed or off the couch each day to go exercise. Even if they have people willing to do that, I sure can’t afford it. Likewise, I don’t have a personal chef to whip up healthful, creative, delicious meals and snacks for me.

Any effort has to come from me. I’m the one who has to put on those sneakers and get my feet moving. Today. Tomorrow. The next day.
I’m the one who decides exactly what, how much, and how often, food goes into my mouth. For breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks.
Apparently, I also have to keep journaling. The process of examining my feelings about this journey and putting my words on paper is obviously helpful to me.

Losing weight is not easy. If it were, we’d all be at our ideal weight already.
But it is worth it. I’m worth it. I just need to grow up and recommit myself. Today, right now.

But it wears me out just thinking about it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Gosh, I hadn't read this blog of yours, and Carol boy do I feel you!!!! I did the same exact thing, and almost instantaneously, I gained back what few pounds I had lost. I am thinking about you and praying for you. We can do this!!!! It's so easy to give in to our old ways, but I am praying strength for you in the days ahead. Message me anytime. HUGS!!!!!
    2101 days ago
    You have to get to a point where you are thinking thin really and truly breaking the old bad habits and enjoying the new habits....if you don't enjoy what you are doing to lose the weight you will never keep it will go back to what you are comfortable with even if it doesn't make you happy or healthy....

    Think about what you enjoy doing...really enjoy doing for movement....those are the things you have to do; at least 20 minutes a day. Prepare foods a head of time and freeze them so you don't have to think about what you will eat...little things make big differences.....but CHANGE has to happen for you to get the life you so desire.

    Really after a while it will come easier...just never give up trying.....the key is there you just have to find the right door!

    Hugs emoticon
    2102 days ago
    Aww, Carol! You know you want to do it, you know you can do it, you've even proven to yourself that you can. :D

    All of us on Spark are here for each other. I can relate. I want to watch my shows on TV, too. So I made a TV rule for myself. If I want to watch TV and haven't finished my cardio and strength as scheduled for the day, that's totally okay. I can watch TV. However, I *must* accomplish my cardio & strength in front of the TV now!

    So, I have a little mini-trampoline and I'll jog in place for one show. Put the mini-tramp out of the way and pick up the 5 lb or 8 lb dumbbells and do my strength. Or snag the yoga mat and do a floor workout with the resistance bands.

    You see, you can have what you want: watching the TV, and also have the other that you want: working on your fitness!
    2103 days ago
  • MOLLYMOM1957
    Wow! Sounds like me.. and probably a lot of us.. I'm glad you didn't give up...We're not going to let you... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2104 days ago
  • KMF2012
    wow, I appreciate your honesty. I so identify with everything you wrote. And I find your friends' responses to your blog very heart-warming; you have apparently made a difference for them in their journey, and now it if nice seeing them return that encouragement to you. We're all in this together, some are marathon runners, some are sprinters, but the goal is in sight for all of us. Being honest with ourselves, as you did in this blog, is probably the most important step for getting back on track - and you've already made that step! You go girl!!! emoticon
    2106 days ago
    Carol, you were my first SparkFriend here and have been one of my best motivators. I'm sure that you have learned a lot since you have joined SparkPeople and that knowledge doesn't just go away. Everyone goes off track even for a while, but only you know what you really want....You're doing so well. It isn't easy especially with DH being away, but you have to do this for yourself - you are MORE than worth it! Your kind words to everyone and your advice is important to us and to you.

    You are such a nice person, we all want you start up again! If you start moving again with working out, you will awaken those endorphins and you will want to start up again! emoticon emoticon emoticon

    emoticon TOGETHER! emoticon emoticon
    2107 days ago
    Carol, my friend we all do it! Just get back on that wagon girl! Give yourself some credit and a little slack! You can do anything you put your mind to! I realize that every time I have fallen off the wagon, I chose to do it! Choose to get back in there my sparkly friend! We can do this! Doesn't mean we won't have slip ups and set backs! I have faith in you! :)
    2108 days ago
  • LUVS2BIKE101
    How wise you are! I admire your determination and your will to get on the right track to better health. Success doesn't happen overnight. know that we are all here to help you on your journey to reach your goals.
    2110 days ago
    You haven't fallen off the wagon as far as you think you have. Read through the e-mails. You haven't been quite as committed, but unless you have been lying to me, you have been tracking and getting some movement in. This is a process, a journey, you just took a short side trip and now are ready to continue. Feel free to call me anytime you need a boost. I called you when I needed one. We can do this. it won't always be easy, but it will be worth it! You are worth it! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2110 days ago
    Carol, I'm so glad you posted this! We are all victims of our own sabotage at some times, not sure why but we are. The mere fact that you recognize that you have gotten off track tells me that you are still on your journey, you've just taken a side track for a bit. You haven't given up, you understand what you have to do and you are doing it! This is one of those moments where we have to forgive and move on. Something was going on that put you on the side track, you many never know what. But now you are back on the right road and moving forward. This little blip doesn't negate all the great things you have and are doing for yourself! Even if the scale goes up a bit that doesn't signal the end of the effort, just another starting point. Try not to beat yourself up about getting off track, that in itself will defeat you. Continue to focus on why you want to get fit, all the great things you have done so far and realize that if we were perfect we wouldn't need Spark at all. Hang in there, if I was there I'd come over, drag you off the couch and make you go for a walk with me!!! So just pretend I'm knocking on your door! Can you hear me!!! Better get those shoes on and start walking girl!! emoticon
    2110 days ago
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