SAXYSAI
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Fresh start

Monday, August 13, 2012

Any of you who are friends with me on SP might notice I deleted all my blog entries. I also deleted all the pictures I had.

That is because, I'm sorry to say that not only have I fallen off the wagon weight-loss wise, but I am now heavier than I have ever been. I am disappointed, and embarrassed. When I was in grad school, I rode my bike everywhere and went to the gym every single day for an hour and was really fit. I have no idea why I just stopped being active when I moved home a few years back. I have no idea why I've eaten the way I have.

And I've tried to act in denial about it, for sure. I have avoided having my picture taken (any facebook friends will notice I haven't posted any pictures in a long time!). When pants stop fitting, I claim I'm just bloated. I avoid looking in the mirror.

And I have refused to use labels for me that are true. I have not referred to myself as overweight. Heavy. Fat. Yet when I logged my current weight on my tracker, and saw my BMI in the "obese" category, I had to face the truth.

My weight is ruining my life little by little. It's not okay to not want my picture taken because of my weight. It's not normal to avoid seeing friends I haven't seen in a long time because I'm afraid they'll notice my weight gain. It's not normal to avoid looking in the mirror.

So, it has to change.

The great news is my husband came to the same realization about his weight, so we are doing this together. It is so great to have us be accountable for each other.

So, why did I delete my blog entries and my pictures? Because when I look at them, I only feel discouraged from all the times I've tried to lose weight and didn't. I just want a fresh start--I want to get rid of the guilt of what I've done to my body and just kick in gear and do it.

I took "before" pictures of myself. I plan to post those after one month to show the progress I've made. Since seeing pictures of myself heavy is my biggest aversion, I'm thinking that seeing a picture of my results of a month of weight loss will be MOTIVATION. Until then, I'm just more comfortable not posting any pictures besides my profile picture.

I don't want any pity, and I am done pitying myself. It's my fault that I'm heavy. I can't blame it on anything or anyone.

Thanks everyone for yours support!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • NEWSTARTNANA
    I'm glad you are back and have the mutual support of your husband. The amazing and wonderful thing about SparkPeople is that we don't dwell on failures - learn from our mistakes and Spark on! There is probably very few people on Spark who have not "yo-yoed" to some degree, so don't dwell on the past - it takes too much energy. Keep moving forward, "one step back - two steps forward" I've read often on Spark. I know you both will enjoy the adventure. I sure do!
    2185 days ago
  • MNABOY
    SP is leading us on a life's long trek to healtier living. I had abused the feedbag and had tipped 400. It has taken time and MANY side trips but I am now at 257 and losing slowly. DW does not help and she is getting a little jealous so you have more support at home. Getting additional support is important too. You can and will take control of your life again (the words my youngest used when she sent me SP)!
    2280 days ago
  • PATSYB7
    Good for you for blogging so honestly! Keep Sparking--you'll get there. emoticon
    2289 days ago
  • TXSASSY76
    I know exactly how you feel! Good luck to both of you & keep up the hard work!
    2289 days ago
  • ALICIA214


    I recently purchased a book written by Dr Joel Fuhrman M.D. he has appeared on PBS
    several times you and your husband might find it helpful, it teaches you the healthy
    way to eat,lots of recipes and so much more.
    Congrats on coming back and facing up to your weight gain, that is a big step and you
    have your partner right along with you a tremendous support right there.
    Good luck to you both. emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2289 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.
 

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