Monday, August 13, 2012
Any of you who are friends with me on SP might notice I deleted all my blog entries. I also deleted all the pictures I had.
That is because, I'm sorry to say that not only have I fallen off the wagon weight-loss wise, but I am now heavier than I have ever been. I am disappointed, and embarrassed. When I was in grad school, I rode my bike everywhere and went to the gym every single day for an hour and was really fit. I have no idea why I just stopped being active when I moved home a few years back. I have no idea why I've eaten the way I have.
And I've tried to act in denial about it, for sure. I have avoided having my picture taken (any facebook friends will notice I haven't posted any pictures in a long time!). When pants stop fitting, I claim I'm just bloated. I avoid looking in the mirror.
And I have refused to use labels for me that are true. I have not referred to myself as overweight. Heavy. Fat. Yet when I logged my current weight on my tracker, and saw my BMI in the "obese" category, I had to face the truth.
My weight is ruining my life little by little. It's not okay to not want my picture taken because of my weight. It's not normal to avoid seeing friends I haven't seen in a long time because I'm afraid they'll notice my weight gain. It's not normal to avoid looking in the mirror.
So, it has to change.
The great news is my husband came to the same realization about his weight, so we are doing this together. It is so great to have us be accountable for each other.
So, why did I delete my blog entries and my pictures? Because when I look at them, I only feel discouraged from all the times I've tried to lose weight and didn't. I just want a fresh start--I want to get rid of the guilt of what I've done to my body and just kick in gear and do it.
I took "before" pictures of myself. I plan to post those after one month to show the progress I've made. Since seeing pictures of myself heavy is my biggest aversion, I'm thinking that seeing a picture of my results of a month of weight loss will be MOTIVATION. Until then, I'm just more comfortable not posting any pictures besides my profile picture.
I don't want any pity, and I am done pitying myself. It's my fault that I'm heavy. I can't blame it on anything or anyone.
Thanks everyone for yours support!