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Refuse to fall down.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

I've tried a dozen times over to write this blog this week... but I can't seem to make words flow. I seem to be experiencing a curiously unexpected (really... I should have known better... but it's been so long since I've felt fragmented) bout of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). Until Tuesday, I really thought I'd made it out 'unscathed'... I felt whole enough. Turns out being fully present is a challenge... I'm communicating in snapshots and vignettes... time is jerky and compartmentalized. I run touchstones of recognisable sanity through my psyche like rosary beads... Hail Marys intertwined with whispers of confusion and moments of pure grace.

Your prayers shore up crumbling points in my foundation and I feel and thank you for every one.

Though inadequate in my ability to do so right now, I feel compelled to reach out... and I offer you the branch to which I cling:

"Refuse to fall down. If you cannot refuse to fall down, refuse to stay down. If you cannot refuse to stay down, lift your heart toward heaven, and like a hungry beggar, ask that it be filled, and it will be filled. You may be pushed down. You may be kept from rising. But no one can keep you from lifting your heart toward heaven."

I was raised by cyborgs... Seven-of-Nine comes to mind... she's always been a favourite character of mine... not because of her obvious beauty, but because she was a transformed beauty wrought by an excruciating, deliberate, stubborn reclaiming of self... the cyborgs may have made her what they needed her to be... stolen what wasn't theirs to have... but for all of that, they couldn't diminish her... and in my own way, I AM Seven-of-Nine. Strangely enough, that comforts me today.

"May all her desires be fulfilled except for one, so she'll always have something to strive for."

Excerpted from: Unpacking... yet again...

"Tears, like blessings, water the parched garden of my soul -
Flowers of rare scent and beauty inform my being this day.
The Master Gardener tends to the weeds of doubt, despair, fear....
(and despite the odds)
I bloom where I'm planted."
_RAMONA, 2002

Excerpted from: Tears, Like Blessings

I'm slowly finding my own words again... 'Looking for Space' has been *my* song since my 20's. It soothed my very broken heart and psyche and nearly broken spirit (as did Dan Hill's 'Hold On') and got me through one day (sometimes hours, or minutes) at a time. Sometimes I think I'm glued together with random notes, and my life/purpose will be realized when the notes all come together in a song of uncommon truth and strength... I can hear the beginning tentative strains. As weird as is the waking myself up singing phenomena (I occasionally wake myself up singing praise songs in my sleep), I also inexplicably lose my 'ear' at times when I am struggling with my baggage and shadows and pain, and I can't sing a note... it's like I was never able to sing at all... me who was singing in perfect pitch before I could really talk. My voice... my words... my ear... all so intricately connected... I'm thankful beyond words that others can sing my song when I can't.

Excerpted from: Looking for Space

"This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

"A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

"Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

"The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

"Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

I move slowly... with dignity and grace... patiently trusting my heaviness.

I am welcoming and entertaining all my feelings... and then some... though the ones who barge in, kick off their boots, light up cigars, and settle in on my sofa in their under shirts, while they scratch repulsively and pick their teeth... UGH!... these are much harder to welcome... but treat them honourably I will.

Excerpted from: The Better Portion

"Healthy wolves and healthy women share certain psychic characteristics: keen sensing, playful spirit, and a heightened capacity for devotion. Wolves and women are relational by nature, inquiring, possessed of great endurance and strength. They are deeply intuitive, intensely concerned with their young, their mate, and their pack. They are experienced at adapting to constantly changing circumstances; they are fiercely stalwart and very brave."

"There are times in a woman’s life when she cries and cries and cries, and even though she has the succour and support of her loved ones, still and yet she cries. Something in this crying keeps the predator away, keeps away unhealthy desire or gain that will ruin her. Tears are part of the mending of rips in the psyche where energy has leaked and leaked away. The matter is serious, but the worst does not occur–our light is not stolen–for tears make us conscious. There is no chance to go back to sleep when one is weeping. Whatever sleep comes then is only rest for the physical body. Sometimes a woman says, “I am sick of crying, I am tired of it, I want it to stop.” But it is her soul that is making tears, and they are her protection. So she must keep on until the time of need is over. Some women marvel at all the water their bodies can produce when they weep. It will not last forever, only till the soul is done with its wise expression." CLARISSA PINKOLA ESTES, Ph.D. 'Women Who Run with the Wolves'

I can't simply be me right now so, with tears running in rivlets down my face, a wolf I will be...

General Wolf Rules for Life

1. Eat (clean and well... I feel the nurture of good protein and fat knitting together my frayed nerves)

2. Rest (I've been napping each day under the watchful eye of love... I feel my husband or daughter kiss my forehead, and tuck in the edges of my blanket)

3. Rove in between (walking helps... so does skipping a little here and there)

4. Render loyalty (and, for a change, of where that lies I am certain... no confusion here any longer... THIS is an improvement)

5. Love the children (THANK GOD for children to love... and mine is so easy to love... the price more than worth it)

6. Cavil in moonlight (night seems the best time to sing my song... softly... and only a little off key)

7. Tune your ears (confusing though the din may be... internal and external noise at odds)

8. Attend to the bones (...I sometimes forget I shouldn't fear the bones... they are part of sustenance and the strength to move beyond)

9. Make love (with every breath I take... even when it hurts to breathe)

10. Howl often (can't you hear me?)

(...sounds quite primal, doesn't it, LOL!? I first read this book over 20 years ago... it's now part of my soul... I shouldn't have been surprised that Paleo made so much sense so easily.)

Love Reclaims the Atmosphere

...a balm to my spirit... a place to begin anew...

Despite everything, I DID dance... and continue to do so!

...And all of you who are here so faithfully... I reserve a place of honour, always, because you are the better portion.

May your every day be all you need it to be. May an all abiding peace fill your thoughts, rule in your dreams each night, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself in ways you have never before experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer, and your cares be lifted. I pray that faith enters a new height in you, that your territory be enlarged, and that fulfillment is just one step closer.

MAY GOD ABUNDANTLY BLESS YOU, and those you love, in every way that you require. May he hold you gently in the palm of his hand in a very personal way, and may you rest in the fullness of his love, his grace, his strength, his wisdom, his rescue, his redemption, his healing, his inspiration, his restoration and his mercy as you require it! May you carry in your heart always an extra special awareness of God's great love for you, may you feel his sweet and gentle touch upon your life, and may you see his miracles all around you. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen!

{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}


...Because YOU are not defined by your circumstances!



'BEFORE' Pictures (May 31, 2009 - September, 2011) & Continuing PROGRESS (February 2012)! Next pictures September 1, 2012!

(I'm now keeping these right under my nose... in addition to being part of every blog I post, they are printed off and taped to my bedroom mirror)

Measurements, Musings & Motivation to MOVE!

(UPDATED/rewritten: JUNE, 2012)

I've Reached My Goal Weight!!!!!!!

NOTE: My weight tracker is NOT a truthful representation of my weight. Instead, I am using it as a tool to help me visualize my goal as though it's already been achieved!
(Tom Venuto)

UNTIL. (My 'Just Do It' blog)

DONE Girl Love...

(the footsteps into which I place my own feet)

Leaving NORMAL

Why I'm STILL here... my SparkJourney Saga

Words CAN Be Enough... page 3

Paleo... Do you really know what you're talking about?

“Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings... We simply continue to fly... On a broomstick. We are flexible like that.”

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I hold you, love you, feel your pain. Feel the light, prayers that come your way & PLEASE join in on my pack's howling.
    Have you read Robert H Busch's reference book "The Wolf Almanac"? It confirms yet another link between women & wolves.

    Love you dear lady. Be well.

    3021 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3409143
    3195 days ago
    "10. Howl often (can't you hear me?) "


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    3196 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    I always identified with Seven of Nine for similar reasons!
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    You may be reeling, but I'll bet you're stronger now than you
    were in previous years under similar circumstances.

    Revel in your strength and continue to smile in the face of adversity even if it feels as if you have to grit your teeth to do it!
    3196 days ago
    May God bless you with what you need this minute, this day, this week, this month and all the months that come to face your demons, your challenges, your past (which will not determine your future). You have an inner beauty, a strength that has been born of fire and you will once again shine.
    3197 days ago
    you can do this Ramona. You are strong and beautiful and loved.
    3197 days ago
    Just read your pre and post in a row... I'm glad I'm back... to add to your support system.

    You will make it through this, you know what to do. You just have to reach down and find it again. So glad you haven't needed those resources in awhile.

    Prayers sweetie!

    PS I am determined to find the spark balance between spending too much of my time here, and not enough. You will be seeing more of me.

    What an interesting year I have had... but more on that later. Just know I am more at ease, but back up to 160. So, here I come, back to what i know works, since I neglect to do it with out tracking.
    3197 days ago
  • _JULEE_
    You won't fall....
    (silently standing behind you, propping you up with my back against yours in prayer)

    Hang in...

    3197 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12698699
    Oh dear, Ramona....big hugs from me to you. I do understand...

    Now for a little bit of squealing on my part: I LOVE THAT BOOK, Women Who Run with the Wolves! It's been so long since anyone reminded me of it...I'm going to have to check if I still have it because it's a great book. If I don't, I think I'll be hunting down another copy.

    I'm also a big fan of Rumi.

    Lovely blog as always, Ramona. I hope things improve quickly for you.

    3199 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12065559
    emoticon God , bless you today and everyday!

    3200 days ago
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    3200 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12810647
    Good blog Ramona. I am sorry things are tough for you - but it sounds like your attitude is good. Hang in there.
    3200 days ago
    I loved this blog! You are so true to your emotions. You encourage me to feel what life has set before me on a daily ever changing basis. The general wolf rules spoke to me very deeply with a loud voice. I have been attempting not to squash the emotions of the day by denial but to go with them. You are courageous with your PTSD. Your perseverance encourages me. You are continuing to bloom where you are planted and that is called movement my dear. You are becoming the person you are supposed to be! emoticon
    3200 days ago
    Whew heavy thinking girl. I am sorry you are hurting and feeling so what I feel is abanadoned. Huge hugs and hope some me time makes your finally feel better.
    3200 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12459382
    What can I say? Thinking of you. I'm sorry that so much came to the surface so strongly...

    love, Christina
    3200 days ago
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    3200 days ago
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