battle of light vs dark

Friday, August 10, 2012

oh man its getting late. the man is off with his friends tonight watching football stuff so i had the chance to catch up on some work.
i will admit, i said i was getting back on the diet. and i did, but i keep eating crap food since jason wants to eat out at various bad places. i say sure, go, and dont order anything, and he then quickly runs back up to the counter to ask if he can get a refund and cancel his order (much to the bewilderment of the clerk and myself) he has done this about 3 times in the past few days. im too embarrassed to go out with him, but he doesnt like the food i am eating. he is one of those tiny skinny ppl who eat everything bad and stay skinny. because of this phenomenon i have been forced to either 1) starve my boyfriend so i can eat my way 2) fight with him trying to get him to go alone and 3) eat the same food so he will eat. i understand he is trying to be considerate. he doesnt want to eat it in front of me if i cant eat it. cute even. but seeing as how he is refusing my food (including the yummy marinated grilled chicken, i dont get it) i am stuck between a hard place and a rock.
i feel soooo heavy, im sure i gained all my weight back and then some. i dont eat fast food, normally my issue is i eat too much at meal time. so, my body is feeling particularly sick and icky right now. i hate fast food. synthetic bs.
im trying to be upbeat while he is here, since, after all, i only get to see im a few times a month so this week really has been a blessing. but he wants to go to water world tomorrow. its an amusement park consisting of nothing but water slides, wave pools, etc etc etc. that means.....i have to wear a swim suit and bare all. ( awkward queasy face) even though i know there are girls out there who look worse than i do, i am not comfortable what so ever with walking around showing off that much of myself right arms are the only thing i feel ok showing. my legs have that lovely cottage cheese effect going on, and if i dont suck in my stomach, i can definitely be mistaken as several months pregnant(tears up) its jasons vaca, and this was the one thing he reeeeeeally wants to do, so, being the wonderful amazing understanding patient girlfriend that i am, i swallowed down allllllll of my arguments like thorns.
despite all that emotional toll, the tickets are spendy as well, a heafty $40. normally that doesnt seem like much, but, on a college kids budget, it is.
im equally as terrified of something else as well, and its been dwelling on my mind for nights now, making me cringe and pull the curtains closed tighter.....
the sun.
i know its a total cliche for a goth person to hate the sunlight, but its not the sun i hate, its the effects it has on the body. wrinkles, burning, blisters, cancer, and not to mention makes your body temp skyrocket. i am packing, no joke, 3 bottles of sun screen. the park rules say you cant take an umbrella, which, is normally my saving grace. so, that sucks. i dont have a cover up either, which would have been smart. im thinking about making jason take me when he gets home tonight even though its almost 11pm. im not sure if there are 24hr walmarts or kmarts or whatever around here tho. maybe target. idk.

(deep breath) ok. now, aside from all the emotional and mental worry i have been under, things are good. im trying to tell myself that once he is gone on tuesday i can hop back on my diet. it worked once, it will work again.
school is drawing near sooo fast. i feel that im prepared, but im still scared. this is going to be a big semester, being the CNA program and all. i think its the fact that i never thought i would get this far (even though in reality its not that far) so its making me queasy. gah. bought half my supplies and books. the nursing orientation on saturday morning will clarify with scrubs and equipment we need.
oh my gosh im soooo queasy. yay nervous stomach. i was hoping that a little bottle of Boos (lol) would help. i have had about 4 shots now and it is calming my nerves, but not my nervous stomach. gah.
perhaps i will try to nap until he gets home. we need to pack for tomorrow. it will be an epic battle of the light vs the dark. lol, so to speak. anyway, perhaps it is bed time. cross your paws this vampire doesnt burn up in the sun (cuz we really do, you should see my passenger side arm)
may goth be with you.

makeup today by my role model Adora
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Hope you have fun w/your bf tomorrow @ the waterpark. I understand the fear of being exposed. For me it was going to a waterpark w/out having shaved. I refused to get out of the car until I could get a razor from a convenience store when my boyfriend tried taking me to one, lol. I think you look really pretty as well. Maybe you can borrow a friends coverup or hat to make you feel more comfortable. Best wishes!
    2137 days ago
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