Life is like . . . a rollercoaster ride
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
After nearly three weeks of anxious waiting, planning, dreaming and freaking out it turns out . . . I'm not pregnant after all.
It seemed like the symptoms were there. DH was freaking out even more. I worried about not being in shape, about not having been taking my vitamins, about all the sangria I drank at the village festival the week of possible conception, about my sprint training getting my body heat and heart rate too high and causing potential birth defects . . .
I spent hours on baby websites checking for symptoms and trying to reassure myself that I hadn't screwed up my potential offspring by partying too hard. At the same time I started daydreaming about decorating the nursery, planning for maternity leave and scrutinizing every bite that went into my mouth, readjusting my diet to maximize nutrients.
Then, four days behind schedule, my period finally showed up, and I was able to exhale. I felt . . . relieved? sad? disappointed? liberated? empty? bereft? Can you feel bereft of something you've never really had?
But at the same time this "scare" has given me the necessary kick in the pants to refocus and re-prioritize. While a pregnancy now was not unwelcome, it was unplanned. Maybe I am being too type-A, too modern, even too much of a virgo about this - but I would rather be ready for this very much wanted, desired and loved future child in every possible sense: our house finished, my PhD done, in shape and in good health.
We do plan to have a child - and soon. In fact, this wake-up call has made me realize that I have 3-5 months tops to get in shape and finish school if we want our first child to be born in summer 2013. As a result of being nervous/paralyzed/ecstatic/anx
ious/frantic/thrilled/shocked . . . . I have:
- given up alcohol absolutely completely totally quit cold turkey
- returned to healthy eating and meal planning
- jump-started my thesis
- worked out nearly every single day since we came back from the village
- come back to spark and flylady to help me stay on top of things
and as a result of the last two and a half weeks I have felt more balanced, positive, happy and upbeat than I have, perhaps, in years.
So life is a little like a rollercoaster ride of emotions and experiences. You never know what will happen to you, nor how your reactions will shape the future. Now that my personal rollercoaster is cresting, I wish I could capture what I feel right now, today and bottle it for future reference. However, I must try to believe in myself and that by following a better, healthier lifestyle I will be a better, happier, healthier person - for good.