out of the cannon, into the pantry (oh dear)
Friday, August 03, 2012
Ok, so I guess my inner brat was unhappy with ending fitweek with a bang. Or maybe just unhappy about it ending. And so I took my pouty arse to the pantry to...what? I don't even know. Why did I binge eat for so many days? No, wait, don't answer that because it does not matter. Yesterday doesn't matter. Ok, I could learn something from it if I had the slightest idea what really went through my head.
What was I thinking? um, I'm not sure I was. I wasn't thinking, I was eating. Yep. I was thinking, mmm, yummy, this huge bag of dark M&Ms is exactly what I WANT RIGHT NOW.
Who said that? Yeah, it was my inner brat, but she is me and I am her. I have to take responsibility for her terrible judgement. If there is a little girl living inside my stomach (cause she's certainly not in my head), it's MY job to teach her better habits. It's my job to keep her from eating like an animal. It's my job to...help her like I help my real kid - the kid who lives outside my body and has a learning disability and who I'm patient but firm with. I give him lots of chances to learn something, but I never stop trying.
So I have to put out the fire of wanting to eat constantly. I have to pull in the pouty lower lip of "but I WANT it" and I have to act like a responsible adult.
Yesterday was my first day of my new adulthood. I will tire of this, I have no doubt. But what will I do when I tire of adulthood again? What will I do when I tire of responsibility? Tire of being tired, beaten, exhausted? Procrastinating that pile of "to-do" that smells worse than any cesspool, or at least you'd think so from the way I avoid it.
What will I do?
So far, I have a plan. That's all it is because I haven't had time to put it in place more than one day. But I have a plan. It involves accepting the clock as a legitimate partner. I will do things by a certain time of day, at a certain time, and complete them so I'm not all freaked out. This includes meals, exercising, planning, teaching, and having fun. Yes, I've scheduled in fun. A good Sparkfriend FINALLYBEINGME said something about scheduling in fun stuff. I can't remember her exact words, but the thought stayed with me. I need to be able to look at my to-do list, my schedule, and see that it's not all HAVE-TOs but balanced with WANT-TOs! So I took a couple of days to plan out my fall schedule (school starts Sep 4, but I'm going to start implementing the schedule sooner so that I can get used to it, and b/c why make 2 schedules when I can do 1 more quickly and be DONE with it?). And my schedule looks awesome! It's not intimidating because I have planned fun (another buzzword from another treasured Sparkfriend ISLANDSHARON).
I'm actually looking forward to the Fall rather than my usual sense of apprehension and self-doubt.
Out of the pantry, and around the clock. I'm goin' places, self, I'm not just sitting around wringing my hands.