AAAACK
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out of the cannon, into the pantry (oh dear)

Friday, August 03, 2012

Ok, so I guess my inner brat was unhappy with ending fitweek with a bang. Or maybe just unhappy about it ending. And so I took my pouty arse to the pantry to...what? I don't even know. Why did I binge eat for so many days? No, wait, don't answer that because it does not matter. Yesterday doesn't matter. Ok, I could learn something from it if I had the slightest idea what really went through my head.

What was I thinking? um, I'm not sure I was. I wasn't thinking, I was eating. Yep. I was thinking, mmm, yummy, this huge bag of dark M&Ms is exactly what I WANT RIGHT NOW.

Who said that? Yeah, it was my inner brat, but she is me and I am her. I have to take responsibility for her terrible judgement. If there is a little girl living inside my stomach (cause she's certainly not in my head), it's MY job to teach her better habits. It's my job to keep her from eating like an animal. It's my job to...help her like I help my real kid - the kid who lives outside my body and has a learning disability and who I'm patient but firm with. I give him lots of chances to learn something, but I never stop trying.

So I have to put out the fire of wanting to eat constantly. I have to pull in the pouty lower lip of "but I WANT it" and I have to act like a responsible adult.

Yesterday was my first day of my new adulthood. I will tire of this, I have no doubt. But what will I do when I tire of adulthood again? What will I do when I tire of responsibility? Tire of being tired, beaten, exhausted? Procrastinating that pile of "to-do" that smells worse than any cesspool, or at least you'd think so from the way I avoid it.

What will I do?

So far, I have a plan. That's all it is because I haven't had time to put it in place more than one day. But I have a plan. It involves accepting the clock as a legitimate partner. I will do things by a certain time of day, at a certain time, and complete them so I'm not all freaked out. This includes meals, exercising, planning, teaching, and having fun. Yes, I've scheduled in fun. A good Sparkfriend FINALLYBEINGME said something about scheduling in fun stuff. I can't remember her exact words, but the thought stayed with me. I need to be able to look at my to-do list, my schedule, and see that it's not all HAVE-TOs but balanced with WANT-TOs! So I took a couple of days to plan out my fall schedule (school starts Sep 4, but I'm going to start implementing the schedule sooner so that I can get used to it, and b/c why make 2 schedules when I can do 1 more quickly and be DONE with it?). And my schedule looks awesome! It's not intimidating because I have planned fun (another buzzword from another treasured Sparkfriend ISLANDSHARON).

I'm actually looking forward to the Fall rather than my usual sense of apprehension and self-doubt.

Out of the pantry, and around the clock. I'm goin' places, self, I'm not just sitting around wringing my hands.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • OAKSHAVEN
    I have reached the conclusion that "challenges" don't work for me. My inner brat seems to think that it is someone else imposing on my wants and desires, and gets stubborn and sabotages me. (It sounded so POSITIVE when it was called my inner child, but she needs so much discipline!!)
    3225 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9690487
    I am thinking about scheduling more too. I find time running away from me and it's making me bananas.
    3229 days ago
  • CANNIE50
    "Tire of being tired, beaten, exhausted? Procrastinating that pile of "to-do" that smells worse than any cesspool, or at least you'd think so from the way I avoid it." Oh, honey, I can relate. As you know, from my blog and the comment I just left on your SPpage, I am coming out of a cycle of this very thing. What a relief to be on the other side. I also loved your comment about eating "like an animal". One of my favorite shows is "King of Queens" and one of my favorite lines from that show is when the wife accuses the overweight husband of "eating like a raccoon in a dumpster". Hmmmm, I have done that! A schedule is a very useful thing as long as we don't use it to beat ourselves up, but rather to give us a bit of direction. I like to split the day up by morning/afternoon/evening, rather than trying to be too rigid about time. I like your idea of scheduling fun. Someone once told me, and I have used this strategy ever since, "always have something to look forward to". A good book, a new magazine, a funny sitcom, working out with a friend, locking myself in a quiet room where no one can ask me for anything.....you get the picture. So, since I am late to this blog, how is it going, doll?
    3230 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/12/2012 11:57:52 PM
  • no profile photo CD10364891
    I actually have gone through this as well and for me when I push myself really hard, my mind somehow rebels and wants to go overboard with eating after as a way of relaxing or letting go of that stress..so I'm coming to the realization that I'm happiest and most successful when I'm doing the moderation thing..even though the weight comes off soooooo much slower. Also, thank you for the being so lovely and mentioning me :).. emoticon emoticon
    3239 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2219650
    You know I totally get this issue (as I share your compulsion for binging). I like the timetable idea - I've been doing something similar lately. Depending on what and how much I ate, I determine when I can next have a snack or meal then I stick to that schedule no matter what!

    It also helps that I have been eating really clean - without any processed foods which seem to be triggers for me. If I don't eat anything that triggers a binge, then I don't binge.

    One - of the many - things I love about you is your persistence and determination. You never give up, you just keep trying new things and ideas searching for the one that will work for you. Keep Pushing Girl - This may be the one that does it.
    3239 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8667808
    I can relate to the inner brat all too well. Ok lets give our inner brats scheduled and planned fun!
    3239 days ago
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