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An (away for the weekend) blog-standard...

Friday, August 03, 2012

My friend Karen challenged me yesterday... she asked, "do you ever just write a blog-standard blog? Just a normal one saying "did this....did that...."?" (Before anyone gets on her case, she was lovingly teasing me, LOL!)

I responded: "No, my dearest Karen.... I fear I am pathologically incapable of writing a blog-standard blog. SIGH. No, REALLY... it's a burden at times... I sit down wanting to simply connect a little, and end up in the midst of a journey I never saw coming (though it is a journey that has blessed me beyond measure... I'm learning to know myself in ways I never imagined)... I'm just SO grateful that anyone reads. I have had the occasional person flat out tell me they didn't bother reading because I'm just too wordy, LOL!"

Today, I'm actually going to try to do just that... write a blog-standard blog (though I fear I've already blown it...)

I'm short on time, but I'm choking on my feelings and anxiety, so I figure I have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. I've even set the timer...

I'm going away for the weekend.

I'm returning to the scene of crimes too numerous to detail... crimes of which I am not allowed to speak, and which everyone else around me pretends never happened.

I'm anxious beyond words about it.

In addition to everything else, I have to spend my weekend in the company of my parents... who have been waging a cold war against my little family since our house flooded two years ago (search back in my blog if you're curious... end of June... 'cats & dogs')... they are barely polite, and the zingers whiz relentlessly past my head (sometimes grazing me and some even drawing blood).

(It's like that old joke... a guy meets his friend on the street and notices the friend has a spear running right through his chest, The guy politely inquires, "Does it hurt?" The friend responds, "only when I laugh." Just. like. that.)

I've been procrastinating all week and now I'm ridiculously behind with respect to being ready to leave on time.

So why am I doing this? Because...

...however fraught with conflict, my daughter deserves and needs to have a relationship with her grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins... to avoid the bad is to also deliberately turn my back on the considerable good that remains... I joyously bear the scars so that my Divine Miss O remains pretty much insulated from the ugliness, and she LOVES being in the midst of FAMILY such as it is.

...I am eternally and incurablly hope-FULL and faith-FULL.

...Despite the difficulties, I choose to never willfully disrespect my parents by refusing to give where I can with respect to expectations which are reasonable... I have to continue to believe on some level that they really did do the best that could... and it honours them to have their whole family present.

"Someone was hurt before you, wronged before you, hungry before you, frightened before you, beaten before you, humiliated before you… yet, someone survived… You can do anything you choose to do." MAYA ANGELOU

"I may be changed by what has happened to me, but I will not be diminished by it." MAYA ANGELOU

...I don't like living with regret, and the few times I chose to withdraw (because I didn't feel strong enough to protect myself otherwise), I felt cheated and was essentially unable to move forward and enjoy the time anyway.

...oh... and did I mention that I also have to prepare enough food for the weekend because I can't trust my mother to respect the fact that my daughter needs to eat gluten/sugar free (breakfast at my mom's is ALWAYS toast and she makes life miserable if anyone prefers/needs something else... even if they offer to make it for everyone)?

See, I've known this weekend was coming for a year now. It's my hometown's 100th anniversary combined with class reunions and family gatherings. No pressure, right?

Last September this event was the outright shove I needed to fight anew for control over my health and my weight. I had 100 or so lbs. of fat to eliminate, and a year was a reasonable time within which to do it, or at least get very close.

I was NOT going to spend my time THIS weekend...
...as the fat sister
...old and tired, unable to fully enjoy any and every activity (there is a street dance)
...as the one about whom everyone wonders, "what happened to her?"
...as the one no one recognised
...feeling like everyone is watching me and finding me lacking in some fashion (largely the experience of the first 18 years of my life)
...with no evidence to refute everyone's incorrect assumptions about me (too many to list)

My evaluative checklist:
... well, I'm still fat, but I'm not the fattest sister (I KNOW this is so horrible of me... I adore my sisters (and they like me well enough, lol)... but I've spent my whole life compared to them only to be found lacking, and it's only in these last couple of years, as the baby (still the 'skinny' one but up 3 sizes) and the family favourite have steadily gained weight (and NOW since I've dropped 50 lbs.) that the snide comments about weight have stopped)... though I doubt I've lost enough weight to stack up against my former classmates (I was tiny waayyy back then - I've been out of high school for 32 years - YIKES!) and they all still commented on how 'big' I was... I had some serious muscle in my legs... I ran track... I had a sprinter's butt and thighs... still do)
...I'm NOT tired, and I plan to dance my feet off at that dance in the arms of my handsome husband, and with my WONDER-full Miss O!
...I *think* people WILL recognise me without much trouble
...I actually think everyone will still wonder, "what happened to her?" but it will be with a very different tone than I anticipated hearing a year ago... I hope my sense of joy, freedom, and peace will ring more loudly than anything which may be perceived as a short-coming... face it... none of us will ever 'fit' everywhere, and I'd rather be brain-dead than be someone I'm not, or conform to someone else's idea of who I must be
...I think people will still be watching, but I hope/pray for very different reasons than they once did... though I unreasonably and irrationally STILL hope too much that they like and accept what they see... SIGH.
...I KNOW my best revenge is my life lived well, but I still feel so D@MN insecure

...all in all, better than a year ago when I started anticipating this weekend, but I'm STILL a mess inside.

Do things like this ever change?

I'll let you know next week sometime... this is a long weekend for us, so we're away until Tuesday!

So, here it is... my blog-standard blog... stream of consciousness, typing as fast as I can... no censoring or editing... a half hour brain dump. What did you think?

For one and all, no matter how I encounter them this weekend (and for every one of YOU my dear SPARKlings) I will hold my head up and pray...

May your every day be all you need it to be. May an all abiding peace fill your thoughts, rule in your dreams each night, and conquer all your fears. May God manifest himself in ways you have never before experienced. May your joys be fulfilled, your dreams be closer, and your cares be lifted. I pray that faith enters a new height in you, that your territory be enlarged, and that fulfillment is just one step closer.

MAY GOD ABUNDANTLY BLESS YOU, and those you love, in every way that you require. May he hold you gently in the palm of his hand in a very personal way, and may you rest in the fullness of his love, his grace, his strength, his wisdom, his rescue, his redemption, his healing, his inspiration, his restoration and his mercy as you require it! May you carry in your heart always an extra special awareness of God's great love for you, may you feel his sweet and gentle touch upon your life, and may you see his miracles all around you. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, our Lord. Amen!

{{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}


...Because YOU are not defined by your circumstances!



'BEFORE' Pictures (May 31, 2009 - September, 2011) & Continuing PROGRESS (February 2012)! Next pictures September 1, 2012!

(I'm now keeping these right under my nose... in addition to being part of every blog I post, they are printed off and taped to my bedroom mirror)

Measurements, Musings & Motivation to MOVE!

(UPDATED/rewritten: JUNE, 2012)

I've Reached My Goal Weight!!!!!!!

NOTE: My weight tracker is NOT a truthful representation of my weight. Instead, I am using it as a tool to help me visualize my goal as though it's already been achieved!
(Tom Venuto)

UNTIL. (My 'Just Do It' blog)

DONE Girl Love...

(the footsteps into which I place my own feet)

Leaving NORMAL

Why I'm STILL here... my SparkJourney Saga

Words CAN Be Enough... page 3

Paleo... Do you really know what you're talking about?

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon Dance my friend emoticon
    2077 days ago
    My prayers are with you.
    2077 days ago
  • IAM_HIS2
    Wow, your blog could be mine!! I will keep you in prayer. Confident that you can do this with the help of our Lord and Blessed Mother Mary.

    I hope Miss O will feel loved and connected with her Mother's family. That is most important.

    Congratulations on successfully meeting the challenge.

    May the Holy Spirit fill you with wisdom, love and understanding.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2077 days ago
    Blog-standard blog. Whatever is that?! ;) I hope I never find out...

    I am glad Miss O is enjoying family and it is amazing of you to endure - all that comes with family - so she can have those moments, people, and adventures. I admire your fortitude. I am proud of your courage.

    Now, go forth and be your fabulous self. That should be the easy part.


    Stay beautiful.

    2078 days ago
  • JUNEAU2010
    I wish for you an amazingly wonderful trip so that your post-trip blog is "Didn't See That Coming" in an amazing and heart-fulfilling way! You are so right about Little Miss O being connected with her relatives - my sister's children hardly know any of us and it's such a hole in our hearts.
    Travel safely, eat well, be well and DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY!
    2080 days ago
    I'm trying to translate a quote from a Dutch author (Willem Glaudemans) that I don't even know by heart - I should reread his book some time. But it's something like this: 'outer circumstances can never touch or hurt who you really are inside'.

    2083 days ago
    You will dazzle. You're amazing, and no matter what size you are, you know that your true friends are not focussed on that about you. emoticon
    2083 days ago
    Ramona HUGS and heres an extra bit of confidence. I have been married 35 years and still get insecure around his family sometimes. No need for me to go on about what my mil did to me and hubby 15 years ago. But enough to rock the boat anad have hubby tell her she was not welcome and took a long time to get over. counselling even.
    BUT I know go thinking, why is this one sil so bothersome to me, cos she was tiny and seems so sure of herself. Well you know what, I learned a few years ago she is so totally insecure unless she is hanging witth her family or hubby and her hubbys ( LOL Bros) youngest sister. So now I think, hey do the best I can, have a good time. and you aren't the biggest too. Bad I know lol but there are now 2 bigger than me. I am still much taller so always seemed so massive they are mostly 53 and under I am 5'7.
    SO GO HAVE A GREAT TIME and too bad if your parents make a fuss about her diet. Keep her healthy as you know she needs to be!!! You don't want a ruined weekend cos they fed her junk cos you didn't want to make a stink. GO HAVE FUN and DANCE!!!!!
    2084 days ago
    That's tough, Ramona....but you're a strong, brave, and very wise woman. And what a heart you've got! I'll be thinking of you and hoping all goes well. I think you'll be just fine. Enjoy the dancing! And of course the time spent with your darling daughter.... emoticon
    2084 days ago
    OK - can I just say that while you may have conformed (and I use this word liberally) to the content protocols of a standard-blog blog - the length my dear Ramona - the length.

    Really good you have an entertaining and engaging style.

    Hope you have a fun-filled weekend, that the Divine Miss O revels in the attentions of her relations and you arrive back home thinking - ya - I could do that again, maybe not right away, but again.

    2084 days ago
    I'll say a prayer for you that you find the strength and courage to face what lies before you, but know, you will shine for you are the bigger person and a great mom. emoticon emoticon
    2084 days ago
    Prayers going out to you, that God remain in your heart at all times. You are a wonderful person and maybe just maybe you will be seen as that this weekend by your family. God Bless you Ramona.
    2084 days ago

    That's a lot of stuff for one weekend.

    I will be praying for you, my dear. It is not going to be easy, but your attitude and your reasons about why you are doing it are sound. The Lord will direct your steps, your heart, your mind, and your words, trust in that.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    2084 days ago
    Good luck girl. These things tend to be way worse in our imaginations than they end up being. (Not necessarily pleasant but also not bloody heads rolling in aisles either) If it somehow turns out to be bloody heads in the aisles, just be relieved it's only a few days out of your life before you can come back to the security of your home.
    2084 days ago
    It's a shame that we can't choose our family as we our friends. I hope Miss O enjoys her time with the family and you can roll with the punches emoticon emoticon
    2084 days ago
    Chin up, indeed. Pulling for you! Enjoy what you can and let the rest roll! ~ann
    2084 days ago
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