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Wow, reached my goal weight and went past it! I have now officially lost 72 lbs! And yet....

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

I'm surprised. I somehow don't believe it but I've finally reached my goal weight of 140 lbs (10 stone). I noticed it yesterday but thought I'd keep quiet in case my weight fluctuated and instead I'm down another lb today, so am now at 138 lbs. I joined SparkPeople in April 2008. It took me 4 years and 4 months to lose these 72 lbs. That is 5 and a quater stone to you UK people.

I should be happy and jumping up and down, and although I am happy and please don't call me an ungrateful cow, but I .... how to put this, have 2 issues why I'm not so elated as expected. My life has been very topsy turvy of late (as stated in my last blog, having problems with finding work and a new place). Additionally I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 and half months the other week. I thought that I didn't have the feelings I should have in a relationship with him and thought he may be too into me and felt guilty for not feeling the same. So I broke up with him.

After a week he sent me an email, stating how he felt and how he was angry but then he still needed to ask some questions on why. We met up 2 days ago and somehow we got back together! We went through each point he wanted to make, such as there was no other person, I have been thinking of him and the wall I have (he felt that I often put up a wall and I worked out that I do put a wall and have many problems sharing my honesty and emotions with other people. I thought about it and realised this may relate to my slightly screwed upbringing and how I have never been a relationship. I worked out that maybe when things get a bit difficult, I tend to jump ship).

While we talking through things we had a a proper heart to heart, which I never had before and just talked. I realised how much I had hurt him and did miss him. For some reason he forgave me from breaking up with him (and seems to have honestly meant it) and we decided to give it another chance. I've told him I would like to restart things slowly so will see how it goes. Anyway, to make the point, it's been a hard time. Also (I have enough issues already!) I have been feeling really fragile of late. Like proper I'm trying to hold on to my mental state and be positive but past issues and insecurities keep on coming back to me.

The second issue that I mentioned it that although I know I wouldn't suddenly turn into the super fit, confident, sexy individual just because I weigh X amount but I feel like that even though I am at my goal weight and this is the smallest I have ever been, I still feel, well, not as fit as I hoped and bit blobby in some places.

I went to try on some UK size 12 clothes. This is the clothes size I have never been previously been and aimed for. I wanted to see if they did fit and the answer seemed yes! Just about. And yet, I'm still not really happy with the way I look.
Here are the pics:

I tried on some shorts because one of my goals is to wear a pair of shorts that I look good in and not feel self conscious in. I tried on the UK size 14 and UK size 12 and the latter fit better but they made them so short! I strength train and work out but wearing those shorts made me think that I just looked flabby and how much more I need to do to tone my legs. Oh and the cellulite! (Sorry for the bad quality of pictures.)

Am I mental or what! I should be happy but I just think I need to work out more and still have loads more to tone up. I would love a flat tummy but accept that this may never happen.

Maybe I just need time to get used to it. I found that last time I lost a lot of weight (4 stone), I had the same issue of knowing that although I'm smaller and healthier, I still didn't have the body I expected to have. I thought I had gone through this already and learnt this lesson but apparently not.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I have been on the journey for 6 years and my ultimate goal is to reach 132 - but I'd be thrilled at 140. About 20 years ago I was at 144 and everyone said I looked great so hoping that sometime this year I'll hit that number. I guess it does take adjusting when you get there... but you look emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2372 days ago
    It's said the hardest person to please (next to your mom) is yourself. Take a look at your old clothes, compare them in size to the new ones. Did you ever think you would fit the smaller size? Look at old photos and don't keep thinking you still look like that. Sometimes the journey to find the peace inside only happens when you focus on someone or something else. Some of the happiest people are those who volunteer to help others. If you really are having issues that are from your childhood, perhaps you need to see a therapist to help you sort out those issues. You have done well, my friend. You have shown dedication, determination and you have accomplished a great feat. Live in the moment and Keep pushing forward. Hope you find the peace you need. emoticon
    2386 days ago
    Congratulations on your achievement! You look great. And you are grappling with the reality that our weight gain or loss is not the sum total of our happiness. I'm struggling with similar issues. All the best to you.
    2390 days ago
    Congrats! You look great!
    2390 days ago
  • WISDOM73
    Good for you! The shorts and pants look great. Just enjoy!
    2390 days ago
    I am not alone. How nice. Well, not nice for you. I feel like I completely relate to what you are saying. I am a small person and sometimes feel badly about expressing what I am feeling.

    I think now that you have lost the weight you can focus on toning. You may loose a bit more and I think once the weight is off it is easier to tone. Find what works for you and what you enjoy. I find jogging really tones my legs. I personally jog for 4 minutes then walk for a minutes and then repeat & repeat :) I can really tell when I have stopped for a while my legs change. I think, those aren't my legs. Also, I have every ab routine under the sun. There is one that really works for me. It is Jackie Warner Extreme Abs. Not easy but great.

    Lastly, running make me feel strong and confident. Find what makes you feel strong and confident. Easy for me to say, right?!?

    emoticon and emoticon
    2391 days ago
    I think you look amazing! Instead of looking at yourself and pointing out the things you don't like, try looking at yourself and pointing out things that you do like.
    2391 days ago
    4 years to do it! Way to go!!! I have been on Spark for about 2 years and lost 30+ pounds... you inspire me to keep going. Congratulations.
    2391 days ago
    Sucks that being thin doesn't solve all problems... maybe money will? (I am being evil and sarcastic).

    It is nuts how we have all these things to deal with once we (or while we are) losing weight.

    I read once that people who are overweight wear their pain on the outside... others, on the inside.

    I applaud you for getting the weight off... now it's an internal journey.

    You'll get there. You showed incredible strength and persistence in getting the weight off, give your internal journey the same attention.

    Edited to add...

    The peach/pink pants look awesome... the sheath dress, pretty fine, the shorts look okay-- I think the cuff shortens your legs.

    I'd invest in new underwear. Sometimes while your body is still shaping up, extra support undergarments make you FEEL like you look better (YOU LOOK AWESOME, right now)... maybe new knickers will make you believe it... I like the supportive slips.... they add smoothing that makes clothing hang better... well, makes them hang as if you have a perfectly hard body... :)
    2391 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/2/2012 8:43:56 AM
    You look great! As far as the clothes, different manufacturers size clothes differently. Keep looking until you find the ones that look best on you. emoticon
    2391 days ago
    You look great. You really do. There's really not much else to say! That's how good you look :-)!! Don't be so hard on yourself! emoticon
    2391 days ago
  • ROCKMAN6797
    You look great!
    Body issues can be such a downer. There are times when I look at myself in the mirror and I still see the obese person I was over two years ago. We can be our worst detractor. Even so I think it so important to remember where you started and make an honest evaluation of where you are currently. Your accomplishments are phenomenal and deserve to be celebrated!
    You have reached your goal weight but your journey is not over (is it ever?). Continue to strength train, building up your muscles, and continue to improve your health. Love yourself the way you deserve to be loved!

    2391 days ago
    I was going to say 'if I looked like you I'd think all my troubles were over' but I do know what you mean. Whatever you do, you are still you. I had a lifechanging operation a year ago and yes it did change my life, but I am still fundamentally me, and I expected to change more in myself. The lesson is, you are in control of your destiny.
    2391 days ago
    Congrats on surpassing your goal weight!

    I can relate.... no matter how many sizes I go down, I still hate the way my body looks!
    2391 days ago
    emoticon on meeting your goals and continued to pushed forward until you reached them.
    2391 days ago
    congratulations, awesome stuff
    2391 days ago
    I think you look great...and that a UK size 12 must be a lot smaller than a US size 12 because you look tiny!
    2391 days ago
    CONGRATULATIONS!!! Hard work pays off!! good for you!
    2391 days ago
    emoticon this is so great! Don't be so hard on yourself you look beautiful! It will take time to tone up. My bff has lost over a hundred pounds in 4 years, yet she is still working on getting her arms and tummy toned. We all can't be models. The important thing is to love yourself as you are.
    2391 days ago
  • LADYJ6942
    Congrats!!!! Looking good, keep at it and it'll tone and tighten.
    2391 days ago
    Stay at this weight for a while and get accustomed to yourself before you decide to go further. You look good!

    *note: a blogger once made a comment about meeting celebrities in person. They always look good on TV and in photos, but when it comes to in person, a lot of them look very weird: their heads often look too big for their bodies!*
    2391 days ago
    You look fabulous!
    A few points:
    1. Some clothes don't look good on any body. Find clothes that flatter you and make you feel magnificent (forget fads and trends - find what works for you).

    2. A goal weight is just that. A weight. A number. Now that you have reached that weight (and more - congrats! so did i!) it is time to do the work on body composition. More muscle (and weight, so sorry!), less loose tissue. But depending on your age and other factors, some bits won't go away. I am sorry. The honest truth though. Learn to love them, and wear them as the badge of honor they are. Because they are not the excess pounds you got rid of.

    3. Do not diminish your success by your wants. Lots of people want, but never do... and you Did! Congratulate yourself! And welcome to the club! ;)

    4. I have been maintaining now for over 3 years. But every now and then, the fat girl speaks back up. You never really get rid of her, especially if she hung on for a long time. But you can out-run her! Leave her in the dust!

    Sorry for the rambling, but I hate to see when someone does so well, and feels so bad about it. But we all do it at times. It will pass. (If not, you may want to look into your hormone levels - there may be a chemical shift affecting your moods - that will happen too, unfortunately)

    Take care!
    2391 days ago
    It's true that we set these goals for ourselves and expect that everything will be perfect when we get there, because why else would we put so much effort into reaching our goals. Eventually your mind will catch up with the weight loss your body has done. For now, celebrate! get your nails done, have a massage, or reward yourself some other way.

    You did an amazing thing and are looking great, Congrats.
    2391 days ago
    Weight loss is not a key to self confidence. Try having your present skinny you (because you are down right skinny!!) write a letter to the former heavy you. Tell that old heavy girl that it is OK let go and let YOU be happy with where you are at NOW!

    Also, try Inside Out Weight Loss Podcasts.

    Renee Stephens (author of IOWL) is helping me work on issues from the inside out and that is how it needs to be if this is going to "stick." There is a IOWL Team here at Spark also.

    Congratulations woman! You look amazing!
    2391 days ago
    I think you look fantastic. I think there's a point in our journey where our mind has to catch up to our body. You'll get there. emoticon
    2391 days ago
  • MISSB8604
    Congrats!!!!!!! Lookin' great girly!
    2392 days ago
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