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Forget the wagon...I've thrown myself under a truck!

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

A great big dump truck! emoticon And it backs up and rolls over me again and again and again. I am totally squashed in the bottom of a deep pit. emoticon

Part of me is screaming not to type this blog for several reasons. 1. I don't usually reach out for help/support when I am this far sunk. I hide. I hide from the "real" people in my day to day life. I can even hide from my online friends by not being online too much or being too honest when I am. Usually at this point I am dropping out of teams and challenges. 2. I don't want anyone to roll their eyes and think "Her status has been whiney for a while. Why can't she just get it together?" and 3. I'm not really wanting to hear the usual "You can do it" pep talks.

I think I mainly need to write this blog to just unload some things and usually through my rambling I figure out some lessons to learn. I've been hiding for a few days now. I sign on just long enough to get my sign in points. But that is it. I haven't been checking in with teams because I'm ashamed to admit I have failed big time this past week. All those catch phrases that people have on their pages about never quitting and if you are tired of ....stop quitting. Well I am tired of quitting. But I am also tired of not making any progress either. The devil has told me for a long time that I'll never get below 200 because my body has been above it for decades and I am beginning to believe him. I'm tired of being able to stick with it for such a short time, make a little progress, stumble and roll like a snowball. I am tired of feeling like a failure.

I thought I would go back to my last blog and get some encouragement. I know at that time I was feeling much more positive than I am now. As I reread it I didn't even recognize that voice. It didn't sound anything like the way I am feeling now. I haven't exercised in a week. I've eaten like the old Leisa use to eat regularly. I'm wallowing in my pit. I've beyond overwhelmed with all the things in my life that I need to be taking care of. I won't list them all, but it is a lengthy list and I don't seem to be accomplishing anything on it. And time is running out on my summer quickly. I wanted to accomplish so much more this summer. I wanted friends to be able to see a difference in me when I go back to school.

Ok...well the rambling isn't helping tonight. emoticon If you have read this far, I'm sorry for wasting your time. I'm sorry for not being the ray of sunshine and encouragement that I like to be in my friends' lives. I need help. I need prayers.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon while you are digging your pit just remember that you can decide if it is going to be a hole or emoticon Garden. The choice is yours and I know that you want to see the view from ONEDERLAND with me! emoticon it isn gear. We have work to do! emoticon
    2152 days ago
    Sometimes we don't want anyone to "fix" us, we just want to spew-this is great and absolutely no apology is necessary. We are NOT fair weather friends. We are HERE to hear the bad or down as well as the ups and successes. We all have down falls. I have been in that boat (or under that truck) so many times that I don't even count them anymore.

    Hopefully, when the devil knocks, you can say "Jesus, would you get that door, please?"..

    We are all praying for better times for you, in the meantime just reach out and hold onto our hands as we will hold you and not let that truck keep you from us.

    GREAT BIG HUGS, my friend........MAY GOD BE WITH YOU ALWAYS!!!..Elsie
    2152 days ago
  • -AMANDA79-
    It's just one week, sweetie. Don't be so hard on yourself. It doesn't have to be perfect to work.

    2152 days ago
    So sorry I didn't see this right after you wrote it. You got a LOT of good suggestions and comments, so I won't repeat any of that. Honestly, there are times when you just don't want to hear the positive stuff, and that's ok. Many of us have felt that way. I know that I have done the same thing you are doing right now, and it's understandable. Starting a new school year and all the other things you are dealing with, you're entitled to feel the way you do. Once you hit a certain point, you'll pick yourself up and get back on the wagon, and that dump truck won't even be visible in your rear view mirror. When my Spark Friends blog about their failures, it makes me feel better to hear about it, and it isn't a waste of my time, because it helps me realize that I'm not the only one who feels that way at times. You're helping people by being honest about your experiences. That's NEVER a waste of time.

    I'll be praying for you. Glad to see you are already feeling a little more encouraged today. emoticon
    2152 days ago
    You haven't wasted my time at all because this is something that is very real....
    I have been on a failure journey since last November when i was 56kg's and I am now back up to 65 and struggling to get back on track....

    This one thing I do know....
    I too am tired of the devil and his crap so i am going to declare war against him for us both....
    Praying that each day you will see him for what he is and the games he is playing with you and you will be able yo kick his but out of your day....
    My prayers are coming your way till you get stronger and can stand against him....
    you are not a failure because you wrote this blog....neither of us are failures.....even though we feel like it....
    We don't have to be rays of sunshine all the time....
    I am telling the devil to bug off out of our faces and leave us along because we are not failures and he is a liar.....

    Sorry for my ramblings.....
    Hope they help not hurt because that is not my intention my friend....
    2153 days ago
    I don't know what to tell you that others haven't said already. How about a reality check?
    1. Get off the scale. It isn't your friend right now and it is holding too much power over you. Put it in the back of the closet.
    2. Are you tracking? Just track not to beat yourself up about what you eat but more for why you are eating.
    3. Write about your feelings somewhere safe....not to be read by anyone else, but just to get it out of you.
    4. Take some time without beating yourself up to just be. I find when I don't feel guilty about eating something it loses its power over me.
    You are doing what you need to do right now. Life is not a failure, it is a journey that wanders around.
    2153 days ago
    2153 days ago
  • TERRIH8118
    I also know that truck well. I've seen it this week myself, as bad as this week has been. Just know your not alone other people are going through the same problems. As far as not sharing your feelings, I have the same problem. But I will tell you it's great to have a place to just vent someway you have to get those feeling off your chest and what better way than here. I don't think everyone expects everyone on here to be happy and cheerful . We're all going through the same thing, maybe at different times, maybe in different degrees But the key point is we're here for each other.
    2153 days ago
    I'm been under that same truck so many times. Sometimes I feel like my life is one big roller coaster ride. This is a learning process for all of us.

    You are not wasting my time and you are not alone. We are here for each other.


    Don't give up, you are worth it.
    2153 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/26/2012 9:27:04 AM
    Simply taking the time to blog about what you're thinking and feeling is a positive step. And We all need encouragement and support sometimes - that's the great thing about SP. You can find what you need here.

    You know, everyone has setbacks and times we just want to give up. The trick is to NOT give in to that voice. To keep moving forward and to push through it. Believe me, I've been on this roller coaster for many years, and sometimes I'm successful and kicking butt, and sometimes I feel like I will never make progress. When I'm low and just want to give up, I think about my kids. Would I let my students just give up? What would I say to them to encourage them or prod them, or just plan MAKE them do what needs to be done? Then I say that to myself. I'm a tough love kind of teacher (I can do that a bit more in middle school), and sometimes I have to give myself the tough love.

    So, teach yourself. Look at yourself as the student, and give yourself that same talk that you would a student who was giving up. If you wouldn't let him or her do it, don't let yourself do it, either.

    And... you CAN and WILL get below 200. It might not be easy, and you might have to fight for every.single.ounce, but you CAN do it. Baby steps turn into great, leaping strides forward before you know it. When you feel like losing yourself in mindless eating, get up and go for a walk or do some crunches or something else healthy to distract you. It's hard to push yourself (I know!), but once you do it, you feel SO much better!
    2153 days ago
    Leisa, thank you for reaching out to us by blogging where you are right now. I hope the blogging has helped a little; and I've read the comments already here. I want to be encouraging to you, but don't know the words (that haven't already been said).

    I had made some progress until my Mom died last year, followed a few days later by the brother-I-never-had, then a couple of dear, sweet old ladies at church. I already was on anti-depressants, but things kept getting worse and worse for me mentally, and I resumed emotional eating and sloughed off exercise. Consequently, I gain 25 pounds. In late October I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, and my meds are very helpful. The first week of December I tore the meniscus in my right knee, and I've had leg trouble ever since, so I cannot exercise like I want to. Fortunately, I am doing a bit better with eating.

    I've bored you with all this to say, I'm a stubborn cuss and I REFUSE to give up. I'm doing what I can, but so far I've only lost 5 of the 25 pounds. emoticon But I refuse to give up. Hang in there. I'll be praying for you, and thinking good thoughts, too.
    2153 days ago
    Oh, my dear friend! I am so sorry you are going through such a down time. We've all been there- unfortunately, I've been there way too many times to count. (just last month, yet again...) It's so hard to keep pushing when we feel like we are doing everything right and yet getting no results. I was stuck at a "plateau"/ no weight movement other than 5 lbs up and 2 pounds down over & over for over 18 months....It is maddening.... BUT.... we have to push through & continue with what we know is right because if we don't, we'll only dig ourselves in deeper and backslide, losing all the progress and change we fought so hard for. Continue with what you know is right & the results will follow. Unfortunately for some of us, change takes longer to see- and while I don't like waiting for it (i have very little patience) it's better than the alternative of gaining it all back & having to start over yet again due to self sabbotage (been there also....).

    Know that you're not alone and while you don't want a pep talk- you do NEED to hear that you are beautiful, and strong, and you are soooooo worth all of this!! We all love you and want you to be happy!

    2153 days ago
    I've been wallowing in a pit of a different sort this week, but pits are no fun no matter what. I'm so sorry you're struggling. I will hold you in my thoughts, prayers, and well wishings.
    I'm glad you didn't hide or isolate. I do that for the very same reasons and eve got called a weirdo last week when I reached out, but who cares, God loves whn we share our journeys together, so make it for your benefit.
    2153 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/26/2012 8:58:44 AM
  • THOMS1
    emoticon emoticon
    2153 days ago
    Ok, you don't want pep talks, so I'm not gonna do that. I HAVE read your whole blog and would encourage you to continue to blog and get feelings out. That is an important part of taking care of yourself. Physically and mentally taking care of yourself are so important. HUGS -- you deserve that.
    2153 days ago
  • TEALADY0531
    Leisa, my friend, I've been where you're at so many times - and recently, too! I almost didn't come back to Sparks after my break, to be honest. I felt like it was almost pointless, with as little time as I've been able to be on lately, and all the stress and problems. I felt like the only time I blogged was when I was hollering for help - and all I could think of was those "helpful" blogs I've seen that complain about why people whine so much on here, and why don't we just pull up our bootstraps, shut our face, be positive all the time and get on with life. (Wow, talk about run-on sentences, whew, lol!) Why are we here, though, if we can't reach out for help when we need it?

    You have encouraged me so many times, lifted me up when I was down, and cheered me on. It's ok to feel frustrated. Just please don't give up on yourself! emoticon I felt like I'd never break 250 - spent many months (years) dancing around that mark, then back up, then just under, etc. Then I finally cracked it, then cracked 240! I'm finally moving down again!!!

    I guess I'm trying to encourage you without giving you the dreaded "pep talk", and I don't know if I'm succeeding. Curl up in a corner and whine all you want - it's ok to feel discouraged. Talk to Jesus - He understands - God put up with a lot of guff from David, you know! Just don't throw yourself under the dump truck (or if you do, don't stay there, ok?)!

    Luv ya!! emoticon emoticon
    2153 days ago
    We're all here to cheer you on because chances are, we've all been there. Give yourself just 10 minutes to do something positive x3 today and let me know how that works for you.

    I'll be praying! (((angel hugs))) - Bri

    ps. when you reach out to others and let them help it blesses them. I got told that last week when I was having a hard time asking.
    2153 days ago
    1. The devil is a liar. If he's telling you you'll never get below 200, you can believe that you will. He wouldn't know the truth if it punched him in the face.
    2.(This is going to be mean, so don't read it if you can't handle it. I don't want to make you feel worse, just to think. I've been there, and sometimes still am.) Why is it you hide when you are down? Is it pride? Is it okay to cheer others up, but you don't feel like you should need help? Honey, we all need help sometimes. Just keep coming back to SP no matter how things are going for you. As long as you don't quit, you are still winning.
    3. Sorry, but you said you didn't want to hear "you can do it" comments. But you can. (Whoops! that one slipped out.)
    2153 days ago
    I see that truck way down the street.....
    BR> emoticon
    Hang in there!
    2153 days ago
    You are in my prayers , Spark Friend! We are here for you, for each other! That is why this works!Hugs to you!! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2153 days ago
    You are not wasting my time. You help by letting me know that I am not alone in this battle. emoticon
    2153 days ago
    First of all, you have not wasted anyone's time. We are here because we care. Next, you may not be where you think you ought to be, but you are farther along than you used to be! My prayer for you is that my Lord Jesus will give you rest for your body, peace for your mind and hope for your spirit! Remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step...then one more step...then one more step!

    Finally, be forgiving and tender hearted towards yourself because you are worth it!
    2154 days ago
  • ANYVAR54
    You have become a cherished friend. And I don't want you to give up. Indygirl did a video blog today. She started with doing just 2 (two) minutes a day of exercise of lifting shampoo bottles. She has lost over 200 lbs. (she started at 460) If she can do it, so can we. She talks about making choices, everything is a choice.
    You have my prayers. But you are the one who has to make the decision to choose what you want to do.

    Blessings, friend, Ravyna
    2154 days ago
    Thank you so much for sharing. I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time but I appreciate your courage in putting it all down. I second everything that's been said. I hope that knowing youre not alone is of some comfort.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2154 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/25/2012 10:41:28 PM
    I could have written this blog time after time. We are so much alike. We will get up one more time and every time we fall we will get up one more time. We will do this!!!!

    Lots of hugs and prayers coming your way. I am so close to throwing myself under the wagon right now it is scary!! I am tired and exhausted and want to eat the house!
    2154 days ago
  • TML-2012
    No worries about being whiny. You know what you find when you fall into the pit of despair? -- lots of other people dealing with the same issues. So you are not alone. It seems like I have been losing the same 5 pounds forever.

    I am finally off plateau but it took a big change for me. I think I am allergic to wheat. I am being tested. I know I am allergic to milk. So no milk and no wheat. I thought what the heck am I going to do... then I found the paleo diet which is advocating the type of diet I need for allergies. So far I have been on it for a week and I feel better.

    I have heard of other people calorie cycling to get off plateaus. You will make it to onderland!!! This is just a pit stop to get ready.
    2154 days ago
    Ok, no cheery pep talk from me! Just a reminder that no one is required or expected to be a ray of sunshine and encouragement at all times. And another reminder about a wise lady who compared weight loss efforts to stripping wallpaper.

    Yes, I've struggled with both: attempts at weight loss and stripping wallpaper. I'd rather strip wallpaper. It's easier to see progress when removing the toughest of wallpaper!

    You said that you need help. Can you help us help you by sharing what kind of help would help right now? I congratulate you for asking for help rather than hiding and dropping out. I hope you can see that asking for help is a clear sign that you have made changes. That's a positive change that I can see without waiting to the end of summer.

    2154 days ago
  • SPEEDY143
    I'm praying for you sweetie emoticon emoticon
    2154 days ago
  • MLH148
    Ps. You are NOT wasting my time! emoticon
    2154 days ago
  • MLH148
    Ok. You don't want to hear "you can do it" because you feel like crap. Well, you can do it and you are not crap. You deserve to succeed and be happy and everyone you have been there for is there for you. And we don't mind an invitation to your pity party. Someday, i'll throw one and invite you. Try to do just one more hour of not eating junk, one more minute of exercise, one more smile when you don't really feel like it. You'll feel better. emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2154 days ago
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