No one said this would be easy but does it HAVE to be so HARD?!

Monday, July 23, 2012

I'm warning you now, this is going to probably sound pretty whiny. I don't entire intend it that way but I'm tired and I'm frustrated and honestly I'm just truly overwhelmed right now.

I don't handle change well at all. It's not my strong suit. In two or so weeks, my husband will be heading out for 4 months of school followed by another 2.5 months of school. Both will take him out of State, leaving me to single parent two children with autism. I know I can do it, I know I am tough and I have the best interests of my children foremost in my mind, but that doesn't mean I don't feel nervous or overwhelmed when I think about everything that I will have to do and what life will look like on my own. I am grateful that my oldest son will begin school a week after his father leaves, I pray that will lessen some of his stress at having his father gone and his life disrupted.

To complicate things right now, my youngest son isn't sleeping. He is just over 2 years of age and is getting maybe 8-9 hours a night of good sleep. He usually wakes up around 4am and I spend the next hour trying to get him to sleep, which usually doesn't happen, before conceding defeat around 5am. This would be okay if he was napping during the day,we nixed his nap to try and get him to sleep better at night (no dice) and if he were a happy, pleasant child. He isn't right now. This particular son has a Gtube for a Failure to Thrive diagnosis (we don't know why he is FTT honestly, he just won't eat enough) and will be going back on GTube feeds starting hopefully next week to supplement his calorie intake.

Add to this financial stress. My husband and I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University last year, and we've taught it through our church once earlier this year. I love this program, since beginning the class last August, we have paid off 11,000 in debt in one year (on a single Army income!), we have 800.00 to go on our truck and then we will be debt free!!!!!! However, by January 2013 we need to have 3000.00 in an account for travel fees for our older son JJ to get his service dog. We spent all of 2011 fundraising 13,500 for a service dog for JJ to help him stay safe, stay calm and help his concentration and development in school. We were incredibly blessed by our family, friends and complete strangers to raise 13,500 in 8 months. JJ will receive his Service Dog in January 2013 (YAY!) but we have to pay travel expenses for me to go to Oregon to get the dog, and travel expenses for the trainer to come to Colorado to train the dog with JJ and in JJs environment for a week. We knew about this but now I feel we are down to the wire and I'm not sure how we will come up with the travel money in the next 6 months. We are trying very hard to be good stewards of God's money, it can be very difficult though.

I am really struggling to find my place in this family right now. I mean on the grand scheme of things I absolutely know where my place is, I'm the caretaker, the scheduler, the keeping of everyone's lives so they don't miss anything. But where am I on the list? This is a constant question for me. Most days I'm not even on the list. I'll be honest, I resent this but who's fault is it really? It's mine.

I am getting frustrated with the one week of true dedication to watching what I eat, making a little time to work out and then it's followed by a week of stress and that causes some weight gain, even less time for me to work out and honestly less motivation.

Please don't misread me. I love my children, they are my gifts from God and if I've ever done something right in my life, they are it! I will do whatever I have to do to provide them with the tools to be successful in this life, I just wish I could do that without losing myself in the process.

When I say I need support, I need people to come along side of me and encourage me. I don't need people to tell me how hard I have it or pity me, that's not what this is about. I'm trying to explain why sometimes I'm not here and active in the boards, or why I'm not great at sending goodies or constantly posting on people's pages, it's just that my full time job is my children and their development. Please pray for me that God will help me find some balance, because I desperately need some.

I do hope this all makes sense to you, I began it at 5:30am while I was drinking my first cup of coffee. I pray that you all have a wonderful day, I'm planning on having a great day with my kids (we only have one therapy today!) and I plan to continue praising the Lord with every breath I have. I know no one said this life would be easy, and I know this weigh loss journey isn't easy, I just wish sometimes that it just wasn't THIS difficult! :)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • 22CHUNKY
    Honey, you are NO whiner! You are obviously a wonderful, dedicated mother with an overloaded plate. I can see why you seem to be struggling with "things". You have an enormous task before you with your children, especially with your husband away. Personally, I doubt any of your SparkFriends" would willing swap places with you.
    I do commend you and your husband for your commitment to being debt-free. IT IS AWESOME!!! It will allow you to accomplish ALL of those goals you have set for yourself and your children. Personally, I believe your children are among the most fortunate "little guys" I know. They have smart, GOD-fearing parents that love them very much and put THEM ahead of themselves.
    I will be praying for you in the days and months ahead.
    Keep the faith...You can do this.
    May GOD bless you richly.

    2677 days ago
    May the Lord grant you all you need for this day Kristin. May He cover you with His strength, wisdom, peace, energy that you need to meet the needs of your family and for yourself.

    "We have prayed and the Lord has heard us, we must trust Him to do the work"

    Julia : )
    2686 days ago
    emoticon I have felt that sense of being overwhelmed.

    Storming the gates of heaven for peace, hope, comfort and additional help for you...

    2693 days ago
    As I am not sure how to make it all better, since I am NOT there to help, I've deactivated my membership to Rocket Launchers Monthly, and am too far to give you a hug.. I will just say a prayer that it all works out and that you keep your sanity until then. I KNOW you are capable of handling all things, but sometimes it just freakin' sucks that you have SO MUCH you have to do on your own. Grrr! Everything will work out. Deep breaths and remember that I luv ya! XOXO Here if you can think of anything I can do.. ok? XOXOXO
    2693 days ago
    Lord, I ask for your Spirit to fill Kristin with what she needs for today. Patience, strength, joy, peace, wisdom, and whatever else you know she needs. Give her some bit of encouragement that she'll recognize as a special gift directly from you, no matter who you use to send it her way. I ask that her youngest son would begin to sleep, and pray you will provide a way for Kristin to rest whenever he does! Renew her spirit, Lord, and help her to do all you have called her to do. Thank you, Jesus, that you can do exceedingly, abundantly beyond all we ask or imagine! Amen.
    2694 days ago
  • AMILLER1124
    Just take a deep breathe and one day at a time, maybe one meal at a time. God must have a lot of faith in you, as he only gives us what he feels we can handle. I find with my 2 young children and crazy work schedule, the one thing that helps me eat healthy is only having healthy options. Make sure you keep quick snacks around that are yummy but also good for you too. We all have rough days(or weeks even) but every day, every hour, every bite we have a choice to make that can be even the slightest bit more healthy for us, so if you make a bad choice don't beat yourself up about it because there's another chance coming up soon. I'll be praying for you and your family. Keep your head up and keep pushing emoticon
    2694 days ago
    Praying for you this morning... I do believe that things will get easier in time. The sleeping is a tough one. This may be your most difficult season - mine was when we brought our 4th child home from china - adopted him as a 4 year old...other kids were thrown out of routine - 5 year old son was seriously mad, other kids all hated me because of the disruption, I had no backyard (landscaping project out of money - just dirt in the back), inside of the house was all ripped up from a plumbing leak, no money to DO anything with the kids, no vacation to look forward to, couldn't go anywhere - even to the movies or the beach for the day cause new son's behavior was so disordered and crazy... and we all were dead tired and sick for weeks...jet lag plus!
    Somehow I made it through that summer, but it was HARD.
    I hope this tough season for you eases - but you are a strong lady. You only have to make it through today. I think the money will come if you wait on God - that part always miraculously happened for us.. Finding time for you may be tougher - I am just now (4 years later) finding enough time to do SOME of what I need t do for me. And yep - it is MY fault for wishing for, praying for and adding 4 kiddos to my life - lol. Last fall I had a mini breakdown on a church retreat when I felt like God was telling me to STAY - that what was frustrating me was part of the PLAN! I had wanted to hear that it was okay to go out and get a job or whatever....
    What you are doing - no one else can do. I know that nobody sees or appreciates what you do all day long - but that doesn't mean it isn't vital and essential. Praying that God will bless you today with patience and joy... and sleep - somehow - sleep. Oh and ya know if you are in a holding pattern with your weight - maybe that is a victory for the time your hubby is away - to just not regain. Maybe you don't need to do it all and also lose weight... superwoman doesn't exist.
    2695 days ago
    You're in my prayers...I understand...

    - Michelle
    2695 days ago
  • WILSON1926
    Hang in there. You can do this ONE step at a time.
    2695 days ago
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