No one said this would be easy but does it HAVE to be so HARD?!
Monday, July 23, 2012
I'm warning you now, this is going to probably sound pretty whiny. I don't entire intend it that way but I'm tired and I'm frustrated and honestly I'm just truly overwhelmed right now.
I don't handle change well at all. It's not my strong suit. In two or so weeks, my husband will be heading out for 4 months of school followed by another 2.5 months of school. Both will take him out of State, leaving me to single parent two children with autism. I know I can do it, I know I am tough and I have the best interests of my children foremost in my mind, but that doesn't mean I don't feel nervous or overwhelmed when I think about everything that I will have to do and what life will look like on my own. I am grateful that my oldest son will begin school a week after his father leaves, I pray that will lessen some of his stress at having his father gone and his life disrupted.
To complicate things right now, my youngest son isn't sleeping. He is just over 2 years of age and is getting maybe 8-9 hours a night of good sleep. He usually wakes up around 4am and I spend the next hour trying to get him to sleep, which usually doesn't happen, before conceding defeat around 5am. This would be okay if he was napping during the day,we nixed his nap to try and get him to sleep better at night (no dice) and if he were a happy, pleasant child. He isn't right now. This particular son has a Gtube for a Failure to Thrive diagnosis (we don't know why he is FTT honestly, he just won't eat enough) and will be going back on GTube feeds starting hopefully next week to supplement his calorie intake.
Add to this financial stress. My husband and I took Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University last year, and we've taught it through our church once earlier this year. I love this program, since beginning the class last August, we have paid off 11,000 in debt in one year (on a single Army income!), we have 800.00 to go on our truck and then we will be debt free!!!!!! However, by January 2013 we need to have 3000.00 in an account for travel fees for our older son JJ to get his service dog. We spent all of 2011 fundraising 13,500 for a service dog for JJ to help him stay safe, stay calm and help his concentration and development in school. We were incredibly blessed by our family, friends and complete strangers to raise 13,500 in 8 months. JJ will receive his Service Dog in January 2013 (YAY!) but we have to pay travel expenses for me to go to Oregon to get the dog, and travel expenses for the trainer to come to Colorado to train the dog with JJ and in JJs environment for a week. We knew about this but now I feel we are down to the wire and I'm not sure how we will come up with the travel money in the next 6 months. We are trying very hard to be good stewards of God's money, it can be very difficult though.
I am really struggling to find my place in this family right now. I mean on the grand scheme of things I absolutely know where my place is, I'm the caretaker, the scheduler, the keeping of everyone's lives so they don't miss anything. But where am I on the list? This is a constant question for me. Most days I'm not even on the list. I'll be honest, I resent this but who's fault is it really? It's mine.
I am getting frustrated with the one week of true dedication to watching what I eat, making a little time to work out and then it's followed by a week of stress and that causes some weight gain, even less time for me to work out and honestly less motivation.
Please don't misread me. I love my children, they are my gifts from God and if I've ever done something right in my life, they are it! I will do whatever I have to do to provide them with the tools to be successful in this life, I just wish I could do that without losing myself in the process.
When I say I need support, I need people to come along side of me and encourage me. I don't need people to tell me how hard I have it or pity me, that's not what this is about. I'm trying to explain why sometimes I'm not here and active in the boards, or why I'm not great at sending goodies or constantly posting on people's pages, it's just that my full time job is my children and their development. Please pray for me that God will help me find some balance, because I desperately need some.
I do hope this all makes sense to you, I began it at 5:30am while I was drinking my first cup of coffee. I pray that you all have a wonderful day, I'm planning on having a great day with my kids (we only have one therapy today!) and I plan to continue praising the Lord with every breath I have. I know no one said this life would be easy, and I know this weigh loss journey isn't easy, I just wish sometimes that it just wasn't THIS difficult! :)