I guess I didnt fool anyone...
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Just a few minutes ago I get a telephone call from my mother here at work. She usually doesnt call me unless there is a problem so of course I was dreading picking up the call.
She preceded to tell me that the other night while my youngest brother and I were BS'ing in the other night in the living room and she came in she noticed that I had a smile on my face. I told her I didnt understand because I always smile. She said that for the longest time yes, I would smile, but it wasn't a real smile. She could tell that I was unhappy and just putting the smile on for my family so they wouldnt realize that I was miserable. But the other night was the first time in a long time that she saw the original "I am really happy" smile that I always used to have.
She said that for so long she has felt like she had failed me as my mother because she didnt know how to put that real smile back on my face. That going balls to the wall with getting healthier and losing as much as I have so far has done it though. Then she started to cry.. and apologized.
I asked her where this came from and she said that she was having breakfast with a friend this morning telling her about the whole thing and she bust out crying half-way through the story right in the middle of the restaurant. Then she said again how sorry she was.
So at this point I am crying in my office and I tell her that I thought I had everyone fooled.. that I was trying to be as happy as I knew they would want to think I was but that I wasn't.. yet I am getting there now.. and that I was sorry that I didnt hide it better.
Then... lol... she got angry with me and yelled at me and told me that I shouldnt hide things like that and for now on if I am unhappy about something i needed to tell her..lol.. oh mom..lol...
So, I promised I would and told her that she might want to re-evaluate the parameters of what she wants me to tell her because I can be really pissy :)
Now, I am sitting here realizing that I have lived a number of years believing that I have fooled everyone but in reality.. I was only fooling myself.
I Love my Momma