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A moment this moment - taking stock (july 20, 2012) - Flare and Then

Friday, July 20, 2012

Alone in my old run down little apartment. It's been a long time. Joe is away. I cried at the airport-- always do...cry at goodbyes...with everyone....What IS that? Now it's cooler outside and even with all the crap going on here I feel HAPPY to be here alone - with space - with only MY OWN energy wavelength and motions.

Maybe I should not go to Ca and would do better to stay here and soak in my own energy. See what industrious directions or people I might call .... HOW the mind WANDERS!! Ohmy.
It's going to be in th 100s again next week. Big Sur, CA sounds grand at the moment. So ...ticket booked...to leave Tuesday early and stay a week.

U.C. FLARE is continuing to develop. Blood is back. Tummy troubles are back. I don't want to travel with these symptoms. SPECIAL ADDED REMICADE INFUSION TODAY. I may have developed antibodies against the bioengineered drug that has keep me in remission since February (Feb Mr Apr May June July - that's only 6 months). Or I may need a higher dose?
If the infusion works I will be THRILLED. IF it DOESNT work I will be lined up for more steroids and then a different drug to try.

Staving off Fear.
Steering with HOPE.

The walls are cruumbling around me in this apartment.
I move stuff to storage on August 1st.
I have the sense that BIG MOVES are needed.
But which ones?

I've looked to find a new place in Chicago to settle into, to buy even. Can't find it. Can't seem to say YES.

I have a girlfriend who reminds me how rare my YES-es in life are.
Yet I know how big they are when they come. I DO know how to say Yes. It just doesn't happen often. People Places Things

What do I like?
What do I want? to eat, to wear, to sing, to say...

And my "hungry ghosts" are always near, too.

I took out one of the Spark Goals advice pages





Get out of the gosh darn rear view mirror.


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    emoticon Sending hugs across the miles. Love you. emoticon
    2130 days ago
  • SCOOTER4263
    You're in a rough spot right now - so many options, and none of them fit just right. Remember Mercury is retrograde, so (if you sign on with this system) any paperwork or projects started now will need to be restarted later.

    Sometimes I don't quite know where you're coming from, but this I get loud and clear.

    Bless you and keep you, sweetheart.
    2134 days ago
    Well I hope you find a place that you are happy with. In the meantime, go to CA & have some fun. I hope you feel better by the time you travel too.

    God bless,

    2134 days ago
    I can't believe I came upon your blog randomly because....

    My guy is leaving for a year and I'm being left behind alone. On one hand happy to have space and on the other hand can I do it on my own?

    I have my infusion of Remicade Monday (my savior) and I was in threat of not getting it in time to prevent developing a reaction.

    but back to you. What a journey you are on. I'm thinking positive thoughts, wishes and prayers that your infusion goes well and that three days from now we can both be rejoicing in our bodies.

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2134 days ago
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