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Yay for being average!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

It has come to my attention that I suck.

Allow me to explain.

Yesterday afternoon, in an attempt to be proactive about my job, I approached my supervisor asking if, since my heinous review, I had improved. I said I cared about my job, and wanted to do batter, blah blah blah. His essential reaction was, "Yes. But we are finding new ways you suck!"

Wow. Awesome.

I think the thing that bothered me the most about this transaction was that since my review in March, no one has said A WORD to me about my performance. And my supervisor was all, "Yes, mmwell, me and mmTHEBOSS was to mmHave a meeting with you Monday to discuss your mmmPerformance." (Be sure to read this with an affected Monopoly-guy nasally voice.)

And my question remains: How am I supposed to live up to expectations that I do not know exist?

After some freaking, and some calming, and a dramatic reassessment of my situation, I drove home, intending to eat comfort food (homemade mac and cheese and hotdogs), watch comfort TV (Law and Order: SVU. Don't ask), and drink comfort beer (beer). I did. Husband made me happy. We watched the Red Sox lose, and smoked hookah, and then took our cat on a ride to get Frosties at Wendy's.

And then this morning happened.

I received a text message from a very distressed friend. She was not upset with me, thankfully. Long story short, some rumors are floating through the waves of our Mass Dash team that some of the legs and events that occurred on said run were less than pleasant (read: f*cking stupid, and how dare you let this happen!!). And seemingly shared with everyone but myself. So naturally, I assume I am the one who is really the problem.

And I think: Sweet Mother of the Divine Savior. Can I do freaking ANYTHING right?!

So my past two days have been rougher than two weeks worth of unshaved legs.

I understand that I am not, nor ever will be, the best (or even relatively good) at most things. I am a mediocre runner, at best. I am a weak Minister. I am poor singer. I'm a sucky actor. I'm a lazy student.

But I am an athlete. I am a teacher. I am a vocalist. I am smart. I am dramatic. Wait...that last one came out wrong... I am an PERFORMER. There, that's better.

All I can be is the best version of myself. And some people don't like that. But really, that's their problem. I can't change who I am (try as I might). You think I ENJOY being average? HA! I could only DREAM of having that one thing I'm really special at.

But I never will. And you know what? That's okay with me.

Because Husband loves the crap out of me. Aforementioned friend would rather run races with me than anyone else. My professors all enjoyed having my wit in classrooms. My students loved my charisma. My family is my biggest cheerleader. And when I sing, God loves me. (I mean, he loves me all the time, but he gave me my voice, and I know he likes hearing me use it).

I'm not special to the whole world. But to the people who truly know me, I am everything. And that means more than the world will ever know.
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  • CATDUG19
    Love this blog. I think we all feel that way some times but instead of blogging we eat our pain away. About your job, I too had a simular situation and I finally quit the job. I had to put myself first. I had to figure out that I was not the problem it was the environment not me. I hope you get some closure.
    2117 days ago
    I don't think you suck, and would love to hear that beautiful voice that you have been blessed to have. I'm a computer tech at a school district, so I know that teachers are special.
    2126 days ago
    You are FAR better than average! YOU ARE A GIFT! emoticon
    emoticon emoticon
    2127 days ago
    You are so much more than average, and you already know that you have been blessed with gifts from God. It took me the better part of my first 40 years that if 2 or 3 out of every person or "sitch" I am in ends up chitting on me, well that's the cost of doing business as and with "Sprink." I pay it forward, extend unselfish kindness and 70% appreciate it, I'll take that return on my investment.

    I am grateful to have met you and look forward to sparking all the way to the Emerald City. Check out my Video Blog from this am, if you have 4 minutes...sharing is caring! lol

    Have a fan f'n tastic weekend. You deserve it.

    Your friend - "Sprink"
    2129 days ago
    I loved your blog! It was really inspiring the way you see yourself versus the way the world may see you! Inspiring and fabulous! Best of luck on your journey!
    2131 days ago
    Love this blog. I feel very much the same way, but I hate being the center of attention, so I have absolutely no problem with being average!
    2132 days ago
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