*Grumble Grumble*

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Yesterday was not a good day.
I do not get any stars for my chart.
I attempted laps in the lap pool, but after 5 was kicked out due to thunder outside.
Instead of refocusing, I got annoyed and gave up for the day.
Damage is done...hopefully not too much.
Need to get back into my RB routines so I can continue to see my middle shrink.
The hardest part for me lately has been trying not to focus on how much I hate how my body looks right now.
Three more days of work.
Four more days of hard workouts before fun activities this weekend.
Gotta keep my focus or I'll go into this weekend with shame, regret, and guilt and won't be able to enjoy any of it.
Second hardest part is my ultimate fear of the scale.
After months of not moving at all, followed by three solid weeks of progress, I am still not down to the lowest I saw during my plateau and still fear I will yo-yo back up again.
305 is perhaps one of the scariest weights for me right now.
And fear can be paralyzing.
I have to learn how to break through and move forward now or I might never be able to.
I hate feeling scared and anxious.
And TOM is not helping me AT ALL.
I feel like I'm fighting to swim upstream through raging rapids.
(Note: With the depo, I go months without noticing anything, and then I'll get hit with one of those awful TOM that is slow and steady and painful for days or, sometimes, weeks. I'm hoping this one lets go after today.)

Fear of failure.
Fear of success.
Paralyzing fear.

But it is easier to end a week saying, "I did all that I could" than it is to end it in shame knowing I am the cause of my failures.
Let the weight sort itself out while I move forward.
Right? RIGHT?!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD2175977
    Face the scale-as hard as it is,the longer you let it go-the harder it gets & the
    easier it gets to be unaccountable(speaking personally).You can DO THIS!!!
    Keep up all that good work! Keep venting if you need to,but keep going-I know
    you can !!!
    3256 days ago
    3256 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10795864
    Yes! Yes! Yes! Let the scale take care of itself, and you take care of you!

    Simple, no?

    3257 days ago
    Ughhh stupid TOM!! It always throws a wrench in it right??!! I hate complaining about it but it really affects everything, not only physically but emotional and mental well being as well - good for you on just moving forward and not dwelling on it - that's the hard part I think! Today is a new day and I hope you feel better!!!
    3257 days ago
    Sorry about the bad day. You are doing so well and I know you will finish out this week with all that you have! emoticon
    3257 days ago
  • ERIN1128
    Hang in there, you can do this!
    3257 days ago
  • MOVIEGRL1737
    Keep working hard, eating well and the scale will fall into place eventually.
    Remember, you're only one workout away from a good mood!
    3257 days ago
    Sometimes you get a bad day where things just don't go how you hoped they would, it happens. Keep moving forward, you have a great plan. You've got this! I hope today is a better day for you dear!
    3257 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12351332
    Keep going and you'll pass this rough patch! We all have times we feel like that and it's just important to focus on small victories!!
    3257 days ago
  • SUGIRL06
    Sorry to hear you had a crummy day! It happens. On to today!
    3257 days ago
    emoticon emoticon
    3257 days ago
    First off you can't help mother nature... thunder = no swimming.
    Secondly.... Three solid weeks of progress and TOM... something's working
    Third... you have a great plan of attack for the rest of the week and you sound motivated and focused. That is a winning strategy!

    Have a rocking week...
    3257 days ago
    Stay positive even when you fall, you can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    3257 days ago
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