POPEYETHETURTLE

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The Number One Thing Men Want Women To Know

Friday, July 13, 2012

Men’s Rules

Men always hear "the rules" from the female side and only after we've broken them. We don't think that's fair. Now here are the rules from the male side. We don’t mind if you print them and post them somewhere, in fact, we hope you will. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive and sexy than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women Always cut their hair, and by then, we're stuck.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail and scientifically proven.

1. Flannel nightgowns are not sexy - EVER. If you're cold, move closer!

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints don’t do it! Moderate hints don’t do it. Obvious hints are like the rushing of the wind.

1. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 10 days is a problem. See a doctor. Sex has been scientifically proven to heal headaches.

1. Check your oil! Please. You're also responsible for filling the gas tank and making sure the tires to YOUR car are properly inflated. We'll buy you an inflation gauge if need be.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We’ve been tricked before.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle, it doesn't mean we love you less. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first three months we were going out (and not like our Honeymoon, either - but we can handle that). Get over it and quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what a Mauve is.

1. If it itches, it'll be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. When we are out, we’ll always ask you where YOU want to eat. It REALLY DOESN’T MATTER to us. Food is food, if we can eat it with our hands, so much the better. We are genetically incapable of telling you “What sounds good”. We might be able to tell you what doesn’t sound good, but don’t count on it.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really. You didn't ask us for an opinion when we first started dating and you looked really, really good. Why chance spoiling a good thing?

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the infield fly rule, investments, sports or cars.

1. You have enough clothes. I have secretly marked your hangers. You have some things you haven’t worn in three years – some of them still have price tags.

1. You have too many shoes. See #1, above.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.)

1. Men really do have feelings, and yes, they can be hurt. We won’t show them – we simply put them in the pot in our head and let them simmer, along with the rest. We understand, intellectually, that this is not the best way to maintain mental health. If you say something mean and we suddenly become totally silent, you know where we’re at and what we are doing.

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take a quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.

1. BEER, in its many bottles and names, is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. I’m in shape. ROUND is a shape.

Now you know, and yes, we know not every guy will enforce every one of the "Men's Rules", but now you know what he's really thinking.

Thank you for reading this; yes, we know, we have to sleep on the couch tonight. Did you know we really don’t mind that every once in a while, it’s like camping. However, also remember half the bed IS ours.
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