You Are Supposed To Be Fat And Insecure!!!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Today ended up being a rather odd day. I had to go to my pre-op appointment at the hospital and the oddness began with my brother loaning me his car to make the trip. He has kind of a snazzy car and I was excited about driving it. So in a random moment I decided that I was going to dress up for today, just because I felt like it. So I donned a lacy black cami under a cute pink plaid tunic, then I made a gutsy move, I decided to wear my one and only pair of *gasp* skinny jeans! I haven't worn them since I put more weight back on, but I liked them with the outfit and I liked them even better after I put on some super hot heels! With all of this in motion, I did something VERY rare for me and put on some more glamorous makeup (it is rare for me to wear makeup in general). Then I had the audacity to do something that a fat girl is never supposed to do, I looked and felt hot! I had to run by my docs office before my appointment and I admit, there was a little struttin goin on! I felt like everyone was staring at me, but in kind of a good way.

I enjoyed this feeling, but it was followed by a sort of unexpected reaction. I got home and couldn't get out of the outfit fast enough. I got into baggy PJ's, took all the makeup off, and hid in my room for a bit eating ice cream. I am not sure how to explain the feeling, it was like I was horrified and completely thrown off by the idea that I felt so confident. After pondering this for a while, I think it is the result of a lifetime of society making it very clear that fat is supposed to equal ugly and insecure. I have always equated me being fat, with me being unattractive. As a fat woman, you are NEVER to feel hot, sexy, attractive, confident, it just isn't possible or acceptable, right?

I also had a peculiar moment during my actual appointment. The nurse asked me if I was married, I said no, and she raised her eyebrows a little and said "oh so you don't want to?" and I was like "umm no, I would love to, I just haven't met the right person yet." She acted surprised. At first this bothered me, like apparently I am supposed to be married, so I must be this hideous creature that is never going to meet someone. Then after posting this odd moment to FB, a friend responded with a different assessment. Basically, the point being, what if she asked that because she thinks you are too pretty to not already be scooped up by someone? Now how is that for a different perspective! It is amazing and sad how quickly and easily I can rip myself to pieces and, in contrast, how difficult and straining it is for me to imagine that I could be even moderately attractive.

I can tell that this is going to be a long and slow growing process for me. Lots to think about.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I can relate to that! I rather enjoy short bursts of getting gussied up, but there's usually a turning point in the day where I want to be done before anything "bad" happens and ruins my moments of awesomeness. If that makes any sense!

    Anyhow, you should check out the blog Already Pretty's one of my favorite blogs (lots of varied content, some style stuff, but a lot of body image discussion, too).
    2316 days ago
    I bet you looked AMAZING!!! Clothes really change a person's confidence. Strut your stuff!! You.are.beautiful.
    2318 days ago
    It's incredible houw our clothes have such a power on our mood!! And you'll just get hotter and hotter! Mister Right will be there to sweap you off your feet :)
    2320 days ago
    I too agree with the FB friend! Good for you for strutting - do it more!! In fact, next time take a pic so you can look at it and remember how fabulous you felt (and show us too!) next time you find yourself needing a pick-me-up. emoticon
    2321 days ago
    Strut your stuff are allowed to be hot, no matter what size you are. Have some confidence. Don't go hide after having a great day showing off what you got. We are beautiful no matter what size we are and you should tell yourself that every day. Keep the positive things flowing and you will be the sexy you always knew you were :)
    2321 days ago
    WTG!!!I bet tou looked fantastic!!! You have earned that strut!!! And I agree with the friend from FB...she was surprised that you were NOT married. She saw your beauty...inside and out.
    2322 days ago
    any big change in you life means changing the way you think about yourself - and this is a positive change!
    2322 days ago
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