You Are Supposed To Be Fat And Insecure!!!
Friday, July 13, 2012
Today ended up being a rather odd day. I had to go to my pre-op appointment at the hospital and the oddness began with my brother loaning me his car to make the trip. He has kind of a snazzy car and I was excited about driving it. So in a random moment I decided that I was going to dress up for today, just because I felt like it. So I donned a lacy black cami under a cute pink plaid tunic, then I made a gutsy move, I decided to wear my one and only pair of *gasp* skinny jeans! I haven't worn them since I put more weight back on, but I liked them with the outfit and I liked them even better after I put on some super hot heels! With all of this in motion, I did something VERY rare for me and put on some more glamorous makeup (it is rare for me to wear makeup in general). Then I had the audacity to do something that a fat girl is never supposed to do, I looked and felt hot! I had to run by my docs office before my appointment and I admit, there was a little struttin goin on! I felt like everyone was staring at me, but in kind of a good way.
I enjoyed this feeling, but it was followed by a sort of unexpected reaction. I got home and couldn't get out of the outfit fast enough. I got into baggy PJ's, took all the makeup off, and hid in my room for a bit eating ice cream. I am not sure how to explain the feeling, it was like I was horrified and completely thrown off by the idea that I felt so confident. After pondering this for a while, I think it is the result of a lifetime of society making it very clear that fat is supposed to equal ugly and insecure. I have always equated me being fat, with me being unattractive. As a fat woman, you are NEVER to feel hot, sexy, attractive, confident, it just isn't possible or acceptable, right?
I also had a peculiar moment during my actual appointment. The nurse asked me if I was married, I said no, and she raised her eyebrows a little and said "oh so you don't want to?" and I was like "umm no, I would love to, I just haven't met the right person yet." She acted surprised. At first this bothered me, like apparently I am supposed to be married, so I must be this hideous creature that is never going to meet someone. Then after posting this odd moment to FB, a friend responded with a different assessment. Basically, the point being, what if she asked that because she thinks you are too pretty to not already be scooped up by someone? Now how is that for a different perspective! It is amazing and sad how quickly and easily I can rip myself to pieces and, in contrast, how difficult and straining it is for me to imagine that I could be even moderately attractive.
I can tell that this is going to be a long and slow growing process for me. Lots to think about.