Today I Binged

Monday, July 09, 2012

There is no explanation, no excuse. I binge, because I can.

Lunch did not exist today, I have been binging since breakfast. Nausea set in hours ago, but it has done little to stop me, nothing stops me during these days. My mind shuts off and everything fades into the background, even the food. I could be eating mud right now and I doubt I would recognize it, let alone care. This is the only time when the world is quiet, it is just me and this simple act. I hide myself, my binging, because experience has taught me that this peace is fleeting and too soon shame and pain will flood back with cruel precision to bring back all of the memories that I try to forget, to remind me that I hate this, absolutely everything about this.

Food will not tell you that you are fat, it will not look at you with disgust, or laugh at you when you try to talk to it, because who would ever want someone like you. It will treat you fairly, it will be delicious and wonderful and comforting no matter what. Food will not intentionally try to hurt you, it will not judge your past, or care about the qualities that you lack. Food may not be love, but it is safe and when your world has been collapsing since you were four years old, sometimes all you want is just to feel safe, if only for a moment.

I don't want to do this, I am aware of that much. The problem being that I honestly do not know how to stop. This has been my way of dealing with everything for a very long time and with each new challenge falling back becomes so easy.

Today I binged. I have no excuse, no explanation. Yesterday brought humiliation, today brought pain and loneliness and fear, I just wanted to feel safe, to have somewhere to turn, and instead of turning to God, I turned to food.

So the shame gnaws at my mind and the battle rages.

Share This Post With Others
Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You will be in my prayer. I don't know what caused that binge, but you spoke with honesty and I'm pretty sure it happened to eveyone of us. The simple fact that you can acknowledge so clearly what happened is a great step. It shows you know yourself really well.

    Hang in there, you can overcome this.
    2509 days ago
    I had a binging problem for about 6 months. Recently I got on Celexa (for some depressing problems for me) but it has also helped with my binging a LOT. I've maybe binged twice in 6 weeks. Seriously. (My hormones and lack of BC messed me up but I've got that fixed again.)

    But I was told by numerous people and read onlike anti-depressives can help with compulsive eating, like it has with me. I'm so glad I got on it!
    2510 days ago
    A very touching blog. I hope today was better. emoticon
    2510 days ago
    2510 days ago
    I can so relate, and I don't really have any answers, but I think your username says it undefeated. This isn't a permanent state, so use the reprieves to make as much progress as possible and build your resolve so the binges are as short and infrequent as can be.
    2510 days ago
    I love your name, Girl Undefeated. :) That is a powerful name. :)

    God is FOR you. Today I read Psalm 9. These words especially spoke to me--

    Psa 9:9 The LORD is a shelter [misgav] for the oppressed [dak] , a refuge [misgav] in times of trouble.

    Psa 9:10 Those who know your name trust in you, for you, O LORD, do not abandon those who search for you.
    Being honest is the first step to healing. Thank you for what you shared today. Sleep well, Girl Undefeated, and get up and have a heart to heart with Him in the morning. Your future is better than your past. The best is yet to be. Hugs.... Treebyriver
    2511 days ago
    emoticon I can so relate to what you have written.
    2511 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    I emphasize with you and i agree with DOG_MOM's comment below.
    2511 days ago

    Comment edited on: 7/9/2012 9:38:13 PM
    It happens to the best of us. I don't really have any answers, because it happens to me too. And it will probably happen again. But I'm going to try to make as much progress in the meantime. And try to make the progress outweigh the setbacks. And keep trying.
    2511 days ago
    emoticon Start over. Get back up. Keep trying. One decision at a time. One day at a time. You can do this. Forgive yourself and try again.
    2511 days ago

    I know exactly this of which you speak.
    2511 days ago
    Hi, my name is Barb and I am a compulsive overeater. I hear everything you are saying about binging, and at some points in my life, could have written something very similar.

    It takes courage to face the emotions that drive us to binge behavior... but only by facing them and working through them can we shed the binging! YOU are worth the effort. Hang in there, dry out (get abstinent... make one better decision at a time)... and discover that there is hope. Even though you may not think so right now.

    YOU are worth it. emoticon
    2511 days ago
  • Add Your Comment to the Blog Post

    Log in to post a comment

    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.