Today I Binged
Monday, July 09, 2012
There is no explanation, no excuse. I binge, because I can.
Lunch did not exist today, I have been binging since breakfast. Nausea set in hours ago, but it has done little to stop me, nothing stops me during these days. My mind shuts off and everything fades into the background, even the food. I could be eating mud right now and I doubt I would recognize it, let alone care. This is the only time when the world is quiet, it is just me and this simple act. I hide myself, my binging, because experience has taught me that this peace is fleeting and too soon shame and pain will flood back with cruel precision to bring back all of the memories that I try to forget, to remind me that I hate this, absolutely everything about this.
Food will not tell you that you are fat, it will not look at you with disgust, or laugh at you when you try to talk to it, because who would ever want someone like you. It will treat you fairly, it will be delicious and wonderful and comforting no matter what. Food will not intentionally try to hurt you, it will not judge your past, or care about the qualities that you lack. Food may not be love, but it is safe and when your world has been collapsing since you were four years old, sometimes all you want is just to feel safe, if only for a moment.
I don't want to do this, I am aware of that much. The problem being that I honestly do not know how to stop. This has been my way of dealing with everything for a very long time and with each new challenge falling back becomes so easy.
Today I binged. I have no excuse, no explanation. Yesterday brought humiliation, today brought pain and loneliness and fear, I just wanted to feel safe, to have somewhere to turn, and instead of turning to God, I turned to food.
So the shame gnaws at my mind and the battle rages.