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I'M DONE.....I GIVE UP.....

Sunday, July 08, 2012

Yup...you heard me! I'm done struggling....I give up and I give in!! These thoughts traveled through my being - ALL day yesterday. This is TOO HARD, nothing changes, nothing improves, there is too much pain...I want off the wagon!

I cried a lot - gathered 'Blackie' into my arms, laid down on my bed and quickly fell asleep with tears in my ears. Actually, it felt pretty good just to lay in bed (almost) all day, stretch out and consider what my options are.

But most of you know, that I don't dish out the advice without following through myself. Okay, so I had a bad week...extreme heat indexes with no air conditioning is bound to make anyone crabby, fry a few brain cells, and dream of living on a secluded island where all you wear is a smile.

I always told myself that I would NEVER allow myself to get to the point of sitting in a wheel chair. But yesterday I hit my breaking point!

Chronic tendonitis in left foot - I don't put full weight on that foot when walking.
Chronic lymphedema - engorged leg (blah, blah, blah).
Osteo-arthritic knees and they buckle EVERY time I get up to walk.
Cannot walk without crutches for support.
Cannot climb steps.

My armpits feel like ground hamburger and my shoulders are taking so much abuse. So, last night I emailed a friend...I give up, my future will be sitting in a power chair. And he commented, "mobility is a good thing". What? I'm NOT giving up? He pointed out that all I'm really giving up is the pain, but I could regain so much more - like independence. What? This is a good thing?

I am not giving up my exercising. Even during this past extreme heat wave, I found a wee bit of determination each day, to march. It may have only been 100 steps - but every day there is a number on the calendar and I surprised myself that I averaged 278 steps for the week.

I am still trying to eat healthy and have recently started implementing anti-inflammatory foods into my journey. I started taking D3 and fish oil supplements and have noticed that my pain has lessened. Even rising from a chair has gotten easier - sometimes it only takes 3 tries, opposed to 12.

So instead of thinking that I'm giving up - perhaps it's better to think of this as adding another option or tool to help make this part of the journey a bit easier?!

So with good thoughts surrounding my current being....I leave you with this thought.

Life is not a requiem for that which we can not do, but a celebration of that which we can!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    My heart goes out to you....I see your struggles, as my husband has had the same struggles.

    My husband used to be a bodybuilder! One can only imagine what he has had to deal with with the slow progression to having to rely on a motorized wheelchair.

    You are STILL my heroine! Your posting never fail to uplift!

    I was so very surprised to see my gift from you when I signed in today...that is the Annie that I know: always thinking of others. I can, and do, learn much from you!

    2447 days ago
  • DOODIE59
    I remember another sparker writing that sometimes we throw ourselves so hard at a closed door that we do not see the open door beside it. Being flexible and adaptable cannot be a bad thing. And being in pain all the time makes you soul weary. It is great that you plan to keep up the exercise. If you still exercise so that your muscles retain strength, the wheelchair may be only temporary -- but you need the respite from pain so that you can gather the energy to move forward in your life.
    Good luck and blessings,
    2462 days ago
    I am so sorry for all the pain you are experiencing. It makes the problems with my left foot really nothing by comparison! That and the extreme heat... I can imagine this must be exhausting too!
    I agree with your friend: you need your mobility back, one way or another, and this pain isn't standable.
    2463 days ago
    We all feel for you in this blog.

    You have a lot to contend with. I only have the chronic tendentitis in my right ankle from having flat feet and I can't imagine going through all the other stuff!

    You are a fighter. Hang in there.

    2466 days ago
  • MRE1956
    Hang in there!

    2476 days ago
    When I saw the title of your blog, I was really upset. I don't know what happened to my original response...maybe I didn't click on post comment.
    I am so glad that you were able talk to your friend and talk yourself through giving up. Doing whatever you can to make yourself mobile, even if it is a wheelchair, will make your life so much easier in the long run.
    I am sure that you have been suffering from some heat exhaustion and that is not a good thing...there is only so much you can do to cool off without AC. So glad that the severe heat wave has broken. Let me know how I can help. In the meantime, you are in my prayers.
    This is an AMAZING blog!! Thank you for sharing.
    Blessings and hugs,
    2476 days ago
  • SAMI199
    This blog is heartbreaking & inspirational-I can't stand how much pain you endure.It is brilliant to find a way to be more mobile & minimize your pain.(((HuGS)))

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    2476 days ago
    `good your not gibing up on the good things like healthy eating and exercise. I do like the line adding another option or tool to help make this part of the journey a bit easier. Thats true, it gives you options to keep mobile and get out and about.

    2477 days ago
    Good for you, never give up, never give in. I like Carol's suggestion. Acupuncture may actually help.
    2477 days ago
    I'm glad you are NOT giving up!
    2477 days ago
    This is a brilliant piece of "giving up"!

    It allows you to save energy that might be wasted in just getting from one spot to another and avoid re-injuring yourself while still having energy for exercise with proper form and to think about making good food choices.

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    2477 days ago
    Annie - I echo Beargoddess' comments. I'm so glad you found a friend who could make you turn your thoughts around - and what an excellent outcome if you could have more mobility. And I'm so happy that you are finding some relief with the fish oil and D. My doc has me take 5,000 units per day, which is way more than the recommended, but even at that dose, it just brings my numbers up to the very bottom of the low-end of normal. Hopefully this heat wave will break sometime soon - no air conditioning would melt anyone's resolve. Wish I could blow some cool air your direction.
    2478 days ago
    BRAVO ANNIE! Just when you scared the he$$ out of me with that title (not nice) you come soaring out of that tailspin with breath taking beauty and grace. The thing I find about getting older is we all start to require our tools. Some more, some less. Mobility IS a good thing! It will give your body rest in between steps! What a lovely, GOOD friend that was to remind you of that! I live in an area of MANY retired folk who use mobile chairs to give their bodies rest in between times when they have to walk.
    I'm not good with heat either and it certainly would make me cranky! The fish oil and D3 are really important. My DH and I have been taking them for years. My DH is 68, over 300 pounds and has no joint problems at all. Another excellent anti-inflammatory which we use on and off is Zyflamend by New Chapter.

    I LOVE the last line of your blog and I warn you now; I might steal it and put it on my page as well. (If it's O.K. with you)

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    2478 days ago
    You are determined for sure. Have you ever tried accupunture? I did a couple of times and it was like letting out steam. I was a wet noodle afterward, so relaxed. No air conditoning in the heat is awful! Go for the chair. Many people are out there with them! Carol
    2478 days ago
    I think you need to accept anything that is helpfu even if it is a wheelchair. If it makes life easier at times, maybe you won't need it all the time. The last part of your blog tells me, you have not given up! Well done! emoticon
    I love the quote at the bottom! emoticon
    emoticon emoticon Ellen
    2478 days ago
  • _KATHY
    I love you for your heart and endless determination. I agree wholeheartedly with your last quote "Life is not a requiem for that which we can not do, but a celebration of that which we can" You give me new energy to keep going myself. To use the tools available to me. Mobility is precious. I'm happy that you will get to experience more of it.
    2478 days ago
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