I'M DONE.....I GIVE UP.....
Sunday, July 08, 2012
Yup...you heard me! I'm done struggling....I give up and I give in!! These thoughts traveled through my being - ALL day yesterday. This is TOO HARD, nothing changes, nothing improves, there is too much pain...I want off the wagon!
I cried a lot - gathered 'Blackie' into my arms, laid down on my bed and quickly fell asleep with tears in my ears. Actually, it felt pretty good just to lay in bed (almost) all day, stretch out and consider what my options are.
But most of you know, that I don't dish out the advice without following through myself. Okay, so I had a bad week...extreme heat indexes with no air conditioning is bound to make anyone crabby, fry a few brain cells, and dream of living on a secluded island where all you wear is a smile.
I always told myself that I would NEVER allow myself to get to the point of sitting in a wheel chair. But yesterday I hit my breaking point!
Chronic tendonitis in left foot - I don't put full weight on that foot when walking.
Chronic lymphedema - engorged leg (blah, blah, blah).
Osteo-arthritic knees and they buckle EVERY time I get up to walk.
Cannot walk without crutches for support.
Cannot climb steps.
My armpits feel like ground hamburger and my shoulders are taking so much abuse. So, last night I emailed a friend...I give up, my future will be sitting in a power chair. And he commented, "mobility is a good thing". What? I'm NOT giving up? He pointed out that all I'm really giving up is the pain, but I could regain so much more - like independence. What? This is a good thing?
I am not giving up my exercising. Even during this past extreme heat wave, I found a wee bit of determination each day, to march. It may have only been 100 steps - but every day there is a number on the calendar and I surprised myself that I averaged 278 steps for the week.
I am still trying to eat healthy and have recently started implementing anti-inflammatory foods into my journey. I started taking D3 and fish oil supplements and have noticed that my pain has lessened. Even rising from a chair has gotten easier - sometimes it only takes 3 tries, opposed to 12.
So instead of thinking that I'm giving up - perhaps it's better to think of this as adding another option or tool to help make this part of the journey a bit easier?!
So with good thoughts surrounding my current being....I leave you with this thought.
Life is not a requiem for that which we can not do, but a celebration of that which we can!