Why hello lost friends.
Wednesday, July 04, 2012
So, these blog posts are getting old. Very old. And yet, here I am again. This past year and some months started off good and then crashed hardcore. It started again and crashed again.
And here I am, starting again. I sound like a broken record. A horribly broken record. And I'm sick of it. Beyond sick of it.
I was doing a lot of strength training and can bench 85lbs. My strength has increased, which has luckily allowed me to keep in the slightly smaller pant size despite the small weight gain.
But, I'm feeling the effects of this weight drastically. I've never weighed this much. Ever. I feel heavy and slow. I saw photos from my sister's wedding and I was disgusted. My arms were huge, my face so round. And, any side photo of me made me cringe. Not good. Not good at all. =/
I don't want to keep looking like that. I don't want to keep feeling like this. I can't do this anymore.
My desire to cut has come back strongly, the strongest it's been in two and a half years or so. It scares me. And I know instinctively that much of that desire is due to hating myself. Hating the way I look, the way I feel. I have "fat girl" insecurities. I hate going shopping, hate eating in public, cringe when I have to be in front of anyone.
So why now? Why again? What makes this time any different?
I don't know. Not truly. I have reasons, a list of reasons which I could pinpoint as the "whys," but it goes deeper than that. I feel it. Deep inside of me.
I need to lose over 100 pounds. It's a scary. And, I know I'll never be a size 4. I know my body type, I know what I looked like at 160. I could have stood to lose a bit more and do a lot of toning, but, in general, my hips would still be wide, my thighs still a bit thicker. I was a size 12 in skirts and a 14 in pants and I looked damn good. I think, though, a size 10/12 would have been ideal for me. But, either way, I was fine. Happy and much healthier.
But, I know that if I lose even a small amount of weight, I will look and feel better. Just a small amount of weight.
So now, by my birthday, I plan on losing 20lbs. I have until September 21st.
So, anyway, I'm back. And I promise that I'm back now. =]
I hope you have all been well!