Why hello lost friends.

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

So, these blog posts are getting old. Very old. And yet, here I am again. This past year and some months started off good and then crashed hardcore. It started again and crashed again.

And here I am, starting again. I sound like a broken record. A horribly broken record. And I'm sick of it. Beyond sick of it.

I was doing a lot of strength training and can bench 85lbs. My strength has increased, which has luckily allowed me to keep in the slightly smaller pant size despite the small weight gain.

But, I'm feeling the effects of this weight drastically. I've never weighed this much. Ever. I feel heavy and slow. I saw photos from my sister's wedding and I was disgusted. My arms were huge, my face so round. And, any side photo of me made me cringe. Not good. Not good at all. =/

I don't want to keep looking like that. I don't want to keep feeling like this. I can't do this anymore.

My desire to cut has come back strongly, the strongest it's been in two and a half years or so. It scares me. And I know instinctively that much of that desire is due to hating myself. Hating the way I look, the way I feel. I have "fat girl" insecurities. I hate going shopping, hate eating in public, cringe when I have to be in front of anyone.

So why now? Why again? What makes this time any different?

I don't know. Not truly. I have reasons, a list of reasons which I could pinpoint as the "whys," but it goes deeper than that. I feel it. Deep inside of me.

I need to lose over 100 pounds. It's a scary. And, I know I'll never be a size 4. I know my body type, I know what I looked like at 160. I could have stood to lose a bit more and do a lot of toning, but, in general, my hips would still be wide, my thighs still a bit thicker. I was a size 12 in skirts and a 14 in pants and I looked damn good. I think, though, a size 10/12 would have been ideal for me. But, either way, I was fine. Happy and much healthier.

But, I know that if I lose even a small amount of weight, I will look and feel better. Just a small amount of weight.

So now, by my birthday, I plan on losing 20lbs. I have until September 21st.

So, anyway, I'm back. And I promise that I'm back now. =]

I hope you have all been well!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I am back too! emoticon girl, we can do this!!
    2660 days ago
    You can do it! And it is a hard battle that's why we stop and start.....Funny thing is my sister's wedding is what got me back here too....Any time you feel like you need some encouragement or even a distraction from bad food choices, text me. And I know how strong the desire to cut can be too....I'm back there as well, but so far so good with not going through with it... You're beautiful!! You just need to remember that! And I agree set little goals and work your way up. I have faith that you can do this!! *hugs*
    2660 days ago
    I just starting back up on Spark again myself. Let's rock this!
    2661 days ago
    Welcome back. You can do it.
    2661 days ago
    WELCOME BACK GIRL :). emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2661 days ago
    Glad you're back :) emoticon YOu can do this...keep your eyes on the short term goals. Think "10 lbs", not "o.m.g. over a hundred". Think "healthy food today", not "o.m.g. never another ice cream sundae?"
    And yes, up your cardio!

    One step at a time, you will do it!
    2661 days ago
  • MIRAGE727
    Forget about the amount of weight you can do and focus on cardio. I know this because I played linebacker in college and did enormous amounts of weight to bulk up upper body muscle. I use ten pound dumbbells now but have built up reps and sets in my workout. Don't fixate on the amount you want to get rid of but in small ten pound short term goals. It feeds to instant gratification. And don't key on what you think you know your body will be good at!

    I'm telling you this because I opened my mind and just let it all go. I was shocked when I finally broke 200 after weighing in at 258! I just focused on lowering my BMI and the next thing I knew, I was down to 170. I never gave it a thought to ever be at that weight. It took a while but I started to feel better and started enjoying it! Embrace that healthy lifestyle and embrace patience. Thanks for sharing and all the best.
    2661 days ago
    Don't feel bad! I've been feeling a lot like a broken record here lately too. You can do this though! And so can I! :)
    2661 days ago
    2662 days ago
  • no profile photo MISTY_MOUNTAINS
    You have already taken the first step by coming back... you can do it!!
    2662 days ago
    I'm just now finding your blog but I've started and stopped countless times. You can do it. :) It is scary, I agree. But it's totally do-able with hard work and perseverance!
    2662 days ago
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