not sure where to start

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

I've been in my bed crying for the past two hours. I'm just coming to the end of my rope. So many things just on my mind. Between my weight, my friendships, my time, my health. This will probably end up being a needy post but right now i feel really needy. My happy face has dropped and all my worries, thoughts and whatever have come to the surface that i can't surpress anymore. I've been losing to many nights of sleep over my feelings. Waking panicing, waking up crying (like tonight) or just not sleeping.

I'm typically a very happy, go lucky person. But over the past year i've been facing different things in my life. One that i'm gaining no matter what i do. I starve i gain, i eat i gain, i exercise i gain. God only knows what's wrong with me. But this is really eating at me. I just don't know where to turn to next in regards to my health. My body always hurts, my back spasms. I can't keep up with my friends, everyone has advice and I just don't even know what to listen to anymore.

We homeschool and my kids like to be active in classes, activities, etc. Because of how i feel all the tiime i can only schedule a few things each day. I feel my kids are suffering, because they hardly see their friends. My friends never call to check on me or see if i want to be included in things. I'm just feeling like me and my girls are every one's after thoughts or no thoughts. (told ya needy) but this is how i feel and i need to address these feelings. They are real. Being an intuitive i don't want to believe the feelings i get are true, i ignore them. i so hope they aren't true. But my girls miss their friends all their friends they have met. And they have to pay at my health's expense. We love homeschooling, we love what it gives. But they need their friends. Their friends to call each other, email, skype etc. excepcially when mom isn't feeling her best.

I ALWAYS have to put up a front that i'm feeling good even when i'm not. I don't want to burden anyone either. Probably why i'm feeling the feelings i do. God forbidden teh happy go lucky micki, not be happy.

Some if not all of these feelings are probably holding me back from releasing the weight. just keeping so much inside, because ya know we are always told it's in our head. our feelings are meaningless, or we are making to much out of a situation. Whether any of that is true or not. These feelings are real, the tears are real, the restless nights are real. And i want that all to change.

how can that change. I've expressed a few times that i would rather be someone's forthought then after thought. But the feelings still remain that i'm the after thought.

What my friends mean to me. EVERYTHING! friendship means the world to me and if you are someone i call friend that is very sacred to me. I would do just about anything for you (legally speaking). you just have to ask. I hate being the whiney/crying one. I would rather be that happy micki i once was when i didn't always have these feelings. i know not everyone is going to like me or my family. That is fine. but those who say the love me, love my family, want to be with me. I need you to help me out. I need you to just call, just email. just say hi. let's just shoot the bull and when i email or call please return my effort. Because this girl only has so much energy and friendship really means a lot to me.

My family means a lot to me and getting healthy so i can keep up with my family means a lot to me. But something's got to give.

I really hope i didn't sound to needy, but i needed to get these feelings off my chest.

i'm only going to see doctors when i need to, i just can't keep having 2-3 appts a week. this is killing me. I'm still up in the air about the therapist. I think my naturopath doing energy work did more to help me start to release these emotions then the therapist has in the several month's i've seen her.

my naturopath did say that my heart chakra was the next to be released. hopefully this is helping with the release and with that hopefully the weight will start releasing so i can have more energy to do all i would like to do without always hurting or being tired.

well i feel as if i got everything off my chest, time to try to get some sleep again.

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Looks like you have a whole bunch of folks who do care..........And they're right ---- No need to apologize for how you feel --- we've all been down and have felt defeated at one time or another........Just one more thing.........It sounds as though you're resisting going back to your therapist, because you didn't feel as though it was helping, but did it could be you just have the wrong therapist for you. My daughter has been going through a many-layered emotional turmoil and found that changing therapists made all the difference in the world.........Just know, lots of us are in your corner --- no matter what. emoticon
    2659 days ago
    Oh my dear sweet Micki! Don't you dare apologize for your feelings or expressing them, you are allowed and in fact, I recommend it more often. I am so proud of you for opening up and letting it out, you don't always have to put on a front - not here. (and you know I'm always on FB for you too, if you need to chat)

    Big emoticon to you.
    2662 days ago
  • BEAUTIFLDZSTR wouldnt do ANYTHING illegal to help me out....well so much for helping me dig that hole to bury you know ya girl!

    2663 days ago
    Aw, Micki! emoticon

    I know how you feel being the "smiling" one all the time. I finally got to the point where I realized it was doing me more harm than good because no one knew what was really going on with me.

    I wish you love and peace - and definitely continue with what works for you!

    2663 days ago
    I hope you get to feeling better soon, I know the feeling. I've been there a lot of times. I to have done like Holly and wrote letters (that I don't send) and it helps to get these feeling out. I keep a journal that I write in and sometimes I will look back on them when I feel better and wonder why I was so down but I know the feelings were real at the time. Blogging is good too but sometimes things can just be too personal. Anyways, hope you get to feeling better soon, we are here for you. emoticon
    2663 days ago
    You're definitely not alone! I really have no advice since I'm going through a lot of the same struggles right now...weight struggles, back pain, unreciprocated friendships. What I can tell you is to keep blogging or at least writing it down somewhere, even if it's only for you to see. At least it gets those feelings out there, and they're not bottled up. What I've done before too is write letters to friends or family members who I've been struggling with and telling them exactly what is bothering me. I've never given them those letters and probably never will, but at least it's down on paper (or on a screen) and helps me pinpoint exactly what my issues are. emoticon
    2663 days ago
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    2663 days ago
    Sending calm thoughts and prayers your way.
    2663 days ago
    2663 days ago
    Ah - the codependant in me jumps up and down eager to clutter your board with great advice... but I will not. I think you did great to write all that, I think that it would be a good thing to continue to write about your feelings and thoughts over and over because you will - after a while - feel released and get good ideas how to handle it.

    That was an advice... one thing you should know is that you are certainly not alone - keep on reaching out and you will help others as well as you get help!
    2663 days ago
    You have every right to your thoughts and feelings. I have to admit, in reading this, I thought a bit of it sounded like something I would say and feel. The whole not feeling friendship reciprocated thing and it meaning so much to you. How you are stressed about the weight... always going up and not down like it should. How you can't sleep or wake up all the time. You did good by allowing yourself a cry and then a release in this blog. Acknowledge your feelings, don't ever hide them. I hope you were able to go back to sleep. Wishing you well.
    2663 days ago
    emoticon I just read that using yoga deep breathing exercises can help release negative thoughts.

    I'm glad you were able to blog about your feelings. Getting them out there and acknowledging them is a big step. Deciding what you can change and what you can't is another step. Deciding you are okay with your decisions is probably the hardest part. Finding peace and joy with where you are, who you are, and the world around you.

    I love this affirmation. (I'm pretty sure I found it on your page.)

    I regularly take time out to do the things I want and love to do. I follow my heart and feel a sense of freedom and release.
    2663 days ago
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