My weight is built on excuses and 'meaning well' comments

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

I was thinking about this the other day and how I allowed myself and was allowed to put on so much weight as a child. Part of the massive weight gain was linked to PCOS and it's true that I put on about 3 stone in a year right before puberty (42 lbs peeps!) but that wasn't the only reason.

I was a late reader - due to dyslexia and so when I finally learned to read properly at about 7 (told you it was late) all I wanted to do was read books. I wanted to prove that I could finally read and in my childs head, reading a book a night seemed to be the way to do it to the exclusion of all else. So I stopped playing outside with my friends or riding my bike, I was too busy reading (a love which I have even now).

My Mum had to go back to work when I was about 7 or 8 in order to help support the family and I was left at home with my sister and a sitter until about 7pm at night. This meant we came home from school at 1pm and I commenced eating. Everything. There was no one there to make a healthy lunch and even if I made myself and my younger sister a sandwich, there was nothing to stop us from then eating crisps and chocolate and ice cream and whatever else we fancied.

As I grew older, (putting on more and more weight all the time) I would diet but when I would be desperately craving something, instead of those around me saying 'no, you're trying to change, stick with it' they'd say, 'well a little of what you fancy does you good' or 'if you deprive yourself you'll eat more of it in the long run so have a little now' or 'you've done really well, you deserve a treat.'

But no one deserves a slice of chocolate cake. It's bad food that makes you fat. What I deserved was a salad. Don't get me wrong, I freakin love chocolate cake! But it's not really something that should be encouraged, especially after a good week of dieting because it ruins your hard work.

I also had...well....I was very well endowed up top if you know what I mean. Those bras, the ones known as 'over the shoulder boulder holder'? Yeah I had those. I could literally fit my head inside one of the cups, good times. (Thank God for breast reductions is all I can say). Anyway, I used these as an excuse for not running because it was too painful on my chest and back. Adults agreed with me.

What I needed was for someone to say 'girl, that is just an excuse! Get yourself a good sports bra, or wear 2 regular bras if you can't find a big enough sports bra and get those feet moving!'

Instead I was allowed to not do physical activity because it was too embarrassing for me.

There are so many excuses I've used over the years and they made total sense to me,
Hey, I've eaten well all week I deserve this entire cake
I went for a walk this morning so I can have this Mcdonalds
I'm too tired to exercise today, I'll do it tomorrow
I'm too fat to go to a gym, people will laugh at me
I don't have enough money for a gym, so I can't exercise properly
Everyone else is eating fries so I can too
I'm not as fat as some people
I'm fitter than some of my thin friends so I can't be that bad
I shouldn't deprive myself
A little of what you fancy does you good

and on and on and on.

This week I have a brunch on Friday. Next week I also have a brunch on Friday. I plan on eating whatever I like while at brunch but this time, instead of using it as an excuse to also eat whatever during the week leading up to it, I've been staying on track, eating the right foods and working out. My weight isn't going down as quickly as I'd like but it's not shooting up either. I'm expecting a gain after the weekend but my aim is to work that off before the next brunch and then the same again and keep losing.

The excuses are wearing thin now and I'm starting to see them for what they really are. Obstacles to overcome. If I can't do it a certain way, I have to find another way that works.

And a little of what you fancy definitely doesn't do you much good!!
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