GIRLUNDEFEATED

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Warning: Serious Rant To Follow

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

emoticon This has been a long time coming, if you can't handle it then move on, cause I am in the mood to debate your skinny, self righteous, ignorant, generalizing, idiotic self into the dirt, which at this moment would probably be too good for you.

How dare you? You don't know anything about me, you don't know my life, my story, my history, what I have been through, what I have survived, who I am! You make a thousand assumptions just by glancing at the extra fat rolls that hang over my pants, without taking the time to educate yourself about reality, let alone me. Yes, I am fat, do you want to know why? I will NOT show you the respect of telling you my story, because you don't deserve to know anything more about me, I don't trust you and I now know for certain that you wouldn't be able to handle it. So let me give you the low down on why I am fat, because my body decided to start destroying itself from the inside out. It obliterated my thyroid to the point that my regular daily metabolism (my Resting Metabolic Rate or RMR) dropped by upwards of 40%. The calorie burn that it took away is the rough equivalent to what I would burn by running six miles every day. So even with intense exercise and a healthy low calorie diet, all I could manage was to even out my RMR, which kept my weight in place (no loss/no gain). There for a while I did lose a little weight, want to know how? I was eating almost nothing and working out for 2-4 hours almost everyday. Yep. This fat girl was working out harder than you probably ever have in your life. Want to know how much weight I lost in the three months that I maintained this behavior? Almost 3 pounds. Yep. I didn't even manage to lose a size. Why? Because the damage that my body was doing was only made worse by my behavior.

So please don't sit there and tell me that all I need to do is work a little harder, eat less, workout more. Please do not laugh and say that fat women just pretend that metabolism is their problem, that such a problem really doesn't exist. I have driven myself insane over the last two years trying desperately to lose weight and nothing has worked, which I now know is because of problems outside of my control. Do you have any idea what it is like to workout so hard, to eat so perfectly and then see no results at all? To have everyone laugh at the idea that you workout, because they assume that all fat girls are lazy and sit around stuffing their faces with garbage?

I am having to come to terms with the fact that it may not take months to lose this weight, it may take years. The average weight loss that someone in my condition should strive for is 0.5 to 1lbs a month!! A MONTH!! So I am having to accept that I may be a plus size girl for a very long time, in fact, I may never lose all the weight, I may never even be as small as I was when I lost weight in the past. So instead of stepping in front of the nearest train and giving up completely on my life and future, I am trying to do something that I have never done before, I am trying to love myself, to be happy right here, right now. I am trying to step outside of my comfort zone, to learn new things, and do the things that I have always wanted to do. I am striving to live a healthy life, even though I know that weight loss may not be a result.

How dare you look down on me with disgust and think me a lesser human being, just because I am fat! How dare you assume that you know everything about me, just because I weigh as much as you do! So you know what, if you think so much of yourself as to pass up getting to know a lot of wonderful people for the ridiculous reasons that you have described then I say that you are leading a very sad life. I weigh 212 pounds, I wear a size 18, and I am beautiful. If you disagree, well, you are free to kiss my fanny and eat my dust.

*Deep Breath* Now life can resume as usual.

On Sunday I did something brave, something that I have avoided for most of my life, I called attention to my weight. I was at work joking around with some coworkers and one of them said that I can't blame everything on my poor hearing (I have diminished hearing in my left ear for unknown reasons). I just grinned and said "Sure I can; that's why I'm fat." One of the girls looked at me with surprise and said "what?!" and in a serious tone I replied "I am fat, because I can't hear very well." this was followed by both of us busting up laughing. It was a very small thing, something that most would consider easily said and just as easily forgotten, but for me, it was a definitive moment. I was not attacking myself, I was not being derogatory about my weight, I was simply acknowledging it and joking about it. This is...new.

On a completely unrelated note, it is SO BLASTED HOT OUTSIDE!! This is the kind of weather that makes everyone feel more like a casserole than a person. Bleh!! I am looking forwards to winter already. :P

Thanks for bearing with my ranting. Have a genuinely lovely day!!


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • EMERALDELEPHANT
    Awesome blog, and so well said!! Good for you for getting it out, and for the frame of mind you're in. You're doing great, and you WILL get there one day! emoticon
    2322 days ago
  • ILIKECACTI
    Way to make best of the situation you are in. We cannot control what our situation is sometimes, but we can control what we make of it, and not everyone would be strong enough to stay positive.
    2328 days ago
  • FIERCESTCALM
    loved your rant but not that you had to deal some jerk saying negative things. awesome attitude!
    2328 days ago
  • SLPORTER1978
    I loved your rant. Good for you! Keep your thoughts positive and don't let anyone get in the way of your happiness!!

    emoticon
    2328 days ago
  • CLLOVE
    You are a very wise woman. Keep your chin up...I care and have been touched by your rant emoticon
    2328 days ago
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