Lying to Myself, Part II
Friday, June 29, 2012
This week, finals week, for CoHP, we're redoing some parts of past challenges, and today I have chosen to write a blog about something which I am hiding from myself. Last time I had to do this, I wrote about tracking. Sadly, I have managed to keep up my bad habits, which probably explains the steady upward creeping of the scale. Okay, so it definitely does. So then, if I've already addressed it once, what to write about this time?
I suppose I am lying to myself about my motivation.
Why do I REALLY want to lose weight?
I want to look better. I want to be able to wear clothes that I wore in college, just two years ago. I want to be able to wear clothes I've never worn before. I want to have the courage to wear a bikini, just once. I want to be able to sit down in my labcoat and not have it unsnap itself because my thighs are so big. I want my thighs not to rub together when I walk. I want a flat stomach that the buttons of my pants don't dig into.
I want to be able to run a race with my sister and not hold her back. I want to do real pushups. I want to do all those exercises in the S90 workouts that I have to modify. I want to contemplate running a marathon someday without feeling stupid. I want to do a situp without my stomach getting in the way. I want to see a challenge on the Biggest Loser, liking biking a marathon distance, and be able to actually do it.
I want to be one of those Sparkers that motivates other people. I want to stop feeling like I am letting myself down. I want to prove to myself that I can accomplish something. I want to stop hating the scale. I want to stop hating my boring clothes and my reflection in the mirror. I want to experience the good feeling of being down 2 pounds instead of up 2 pounds. I want to stop feeling guilty every time I eat fast food. I want to stop eating fast food so much. I want to be proud of myself.
I have none of that right now. But I want to change that.