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Lying to Myself, Part II

Friday, June 29, 2012

This week, finals week, for CoHP, we're redoing some parts of past challenges, and today I have chosen to write a blog about something which I am hiding from myself. Last time I had to do this, I wrote about tracking. Sadly, I have managed to keep up my bad habits, which probably explains the steady upward creeping of the scale. Okay, so it definitely does. So then, if I've already addressed it once, what to write about this time?

I suppose I am lying to myself about my motivation.

Why do I REALLY want to lose weight?

I want to look better. I want to be able to wear clothes that I wore in college, just two years ago. I want to be able to wear clothes I've never worn before. I want to have the courage to wear a bikini, just once. I want to be able to sit down in my labcoat and not have it unsnap itself because my thighs are so big. I want my thighs not to rub together when I walk. I want a flat stomach that the buttons of my pants don't dig into.

I want to be able to run a race with my sister and not hold her back. I want to do real pushups. I want to do all those exercises in the S90 workouts that I have to modify. I want to contemplate running a marathon someday without feeling stupid. I want to do a situp without my stomach getting in the way. I want to see a challenge on the Biggest Loser, liking biking a marathon distance, and be able to actually do it.

I want to be one of those Sparkers that motivates other people. I want to stop feeling like I am letting myself down. I want to prove to myself that I can accomplish something. I want to stop hating the scale. I want to stop hating my boring clothes and my reflection in the mirror. I want to experience the good feeling of being down 2 pounds instead of up 2 pounds. I want to stop feeling guilty every time I eat fast food. I want to stop eating fast food so much. I want to be proud of myself.

I have none of that right now. But I want to change that.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Never, ever, ever give up! :)
    2992 days ago
  • FUNGIRL81005
    emoticon emoticon Love the TRUTH!! Ya!!
    3004 days ago
  • no profile photo CD11125287
    I appreciate your honesty I see myself in a lot of what you wrote. You can do this. Just knowing when you are lying to yourself is a start. Pretty soon you will call yourself on it as soon as you start.
    3005 days ago
    I agree you ought to put this where you'll see it each day. You looked honestly at the situation and you had a good analysis of your situation - now DON'T FORGET THAT!!!!

    3006 days ago
    So, I can tell you that you accomplished one item on your list above today...you inspired me. Your honesty was inspiring to me. I can relate to many of the things you listed.

    I've only been on SparkPeople a month and I can tell you I'm losing steam. Tracking my food takes a long time. My community pool has been gross for the better part of the last 2 1/2 weeks and I cannot stomach the idea of any other exercise in Phoenix right now when it's been 110 for the last week.

    I want to lose weight for vain reasons, for my self-esteem, for my health, and for my family. There are many things I don't do or wear because of my weight. Right now, I am struggling to keep motivated after 4 weeks of good choices. I'm trying to make a lifestyle change and it's not easy. I can do anything for a few weeks, for me the challenge is maintaining the changes in a way that works for me. I'm still figuring that out.

    There's no power in the 'Verse that feels as good as being proud of myself.

    Keep flyin'
    3006 days ago
    Writing always helper me. I think you need to print what you wrote here and read it each morning. It will get you off to a good start as you take this day by day.
    3006 days ago
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