The Embarrassment of Being Fat - not Overweight...Fat
Thursday, June 28, 2012
I have long suffered the inner embarrassment and self-hatred that goes along with being overweight throughout my life. Now, I have turned so much hatred inward to myself that I am not overweight any more...I am just plain FAT.
I have realized that I don't do what I would normally do being this far fat: going to my hubster's work parties, holiday celebrations or ---- to the community swimming pool. It's just too much for my fragile self-esteem right now. I didn't mean to get this fat, but I realize how it happened:
a) genetic disposition...but, really - how many really are lucky enough to eat whatever???
b) childhood trauma I blamed on myself at age 11
c) in my 2004 I quit smoking (pack n a half a day) to mellow out and for pleasure
d) in 2005 I moved to Italy and was so terrified of living in a another country I. Just. Ate.
Well, I still don't smoke - which I make a point of telling my family doctor when they ask. I say something like, "Nope, I don't smoke anymore - that's why I'm so fat..." etc. This is how crafty my head is - they don't dare say anything about a 5'2" person weighing 201.7 pounds when I have outright admitting why I am that way AND for the fact that I HAVE quit smoking.
What I know inside my heart and my head even is the shame and humiliation and embarrassment I feel when confronted with a simple question as, "do you know your weight?" Of course I know my weight. It's all that I am paranoid-ly consumed with paying attention to every second of every day of every year of my life. When I have been able to maintain the weight I feel good at - 107 lbs - then I am so happy. I feel free, like I kicked butt on the "odds" set against me in this life. But, I do not think I have ever truly RESPECTED myself and ACCEPTED where I am at as far as genetics, psychological trauma, and self-worth.
To hell with the excuses of what set me this far the side of healthy weight! Because I have been this heavy since 2004 - my body is giving out. My back was operated on and now I have a hip that is gone and needs fixing. Maybe being so fat for 8 years isn't the ENTIRE culprit for my health situations, but any smart and logical person would acknowledge that it must be a contributor. So, I realized I need to get past these wholloping negative feelings that are keeping me tied to this weight - to this kind of life that I know deep in my heart is NOT how God intended me to live - nor what I want for myself in this life. I don't shirk going to a shrink because I need to resolve what happened to me at four and then again at 15. I need to stop blaming my hourglass shape - which is NOT American friendly - on how fat I am and accept how I am built and just deal with it. I am finally realizing that before all I did was put a band-aid on an open wound - things I've pushed back to run from. Spark has helped me realize that I alone am responsible for this body - all excuses and/or reasons be damned!
I am really nervous right now and what brought this whole blog outta the deeper part of me is that I am as fat as I have ever been at this juncture in this life and I am made to go to a community pool to do "water therapy." What the???
But, I'm going to take all of my Sparklers with me and just do it. It's what my body needs now and I am responsible for taking care of it.