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The Embarrassment of Being Fat - not Overweight...Fat

Thursday, June 28, 2012

I have long suffered the inner embarrassment and self-hatred that goes along with being overweight throughout my life. Now, I have turned so much hatred inward to myself that I am not overweight any more...I am just plain FAT.

I have realized that I don't do what I would normally do being this far fat: going to my hubster's work parties, holiday celebrations or ---- to the community swimming pool. It's just too much for my fragile self-esteem right now. I didn't mean to get this fat, but I realize how it happened:
a) genetic disposition...but, really - how many really are lucky enough to eat whatever???
b) childhood trauma I blamed on myself at age 11
c) in my 2004 I quit smoking (pack n a half a day) to mellow out and for pleasure
d) in 2005 I moved to Italy and was so terrified of living in a another country I. Just. Ate.

Well, I still don't smoke - which I make a point of telling my family doctor when they ask. I say something like, "Nope, I don't smoke anymore - that's why I'm so fat..." etc. This is how crafty my head is - they don't dare say anything about a 5'2" person weighing 201.7 pounds when I have outright admitting why I am that way AND for the fact that I HAVE quit smoking.

What I know inside my heart and my head even is the shame and humiliation and embarrassment I feel when confronted with a simple question as, "do you know your weight?" Of course I know my weight. It's all that I am paranoid-ly consumed with paying attention to every second of every day of every year of my life. When I have been able to maintain the weight I feel good at - 107 lbs - then I am so happy. I feel free, like I kicked butt on the "odds" set against me in this life. But, I do not think I have ever truly RESPECTED myself and ACCEPTED where I am at as far as genetics, psychological trauma, and self-worth.

To hell with the excuses of what set me this far the side of healthy weight! Because I have been this heavy since 2004 - my body is giving out. My back was operated on and now I have a hip that is gone and needs fixing. Maybe being so fat for 8 years isn't the ENTIRE culprit for my health situations, but any smart and logical person would acknowledge that it must be a contributor. So, I realized I need to get past these wholloping negative feelings that are keeping me tied to this weight - to this kind of life that I know deep in my heart is NOT how God intended me to live - nor what I want for myself in this life. I don't shirk going to a shrink because I need to resolve what happened to me at four and then again at 15. I need to stop blaming my hourglass shape - which is NOT American friendly - on how fat I am and accept how I am built and just deal with it. I am finally realizing that before all I did was put a band-aid on an open wound - things I've pushed back to run from. Spark has helped me realize that I alone am responsible for this body - all excuses and/or reasons be damned!

I am really nervous right now and what brought this whole blog outta the deeper part of me is that I am as fat as I have ever been at this juncture in this life and I am made to go to a community pool to do "water therapy." What the???
But, I'm going to take all of my Sparklers with me and just do it. It's what my body needs now and I am responsible for taking care of it.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    This is a remarkable blog. I am so happy you can be open and honest about this. I know how you feel. It sucks.

    The good part is you've taken your first few steps in the right direction. Just keep going, don't give up on yourself. You will be AMAZED at what you are capable of!

    2153 days ago
  • MLH148
    You quit smoking and never went back? Awesome!! Remember and celebrate all your pluses -and I don't mean size emoticon
    2153 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/28/2012 9:50:28 PM
    You know the obstacles, now what are you going to do to jump the hurdle? Start with something small and start a streak. When I did that it changed my focus to postive things and habits that I decided I wanted. Also, when I fall off the streak, I have a goal to beat that I set. You have found your motivation, now I look forward to watch you put it to good se.
    You are worth it, and you can do it!
    2153 days ago
    emoticon Stay strong. Reach out to your Spark friends.I am so proud of you for not giving up. emoticon
    2153 days ago
    Chanting... emoticon emoticon emoticon !

    You are so worth it!
    2153 days ago
    You just took the first step to being the person you want to be, whatever the size you end up. You need to forgive yourself and deal with all the underlying issues and heal yourself. You have started, now take it one step at a time.
    2153 days ago
    JUST DO IT!!

    You're on the right track, thinking the right thoughts, planning the right plan. Now, time to take that last step. We're with ya, sister!
    2153 days ago
  • BEEJAY49
    I'm proud of you! Yes YOU! You have made progress just by posting this blog. :) You are awesome and I know you can do what you set your mind to! We're here for you! HUGS!
    2153 days ago
  • LIN1111
    Stay Strong you can do have alot of sp who care about you so keep moving forward and take it one day a time...
    2153 days ago
    Sounds like you've realized a lot about yourself and can start working on the issues. I hope you can get some or all resolved. And, try to love yourself at least a little now. emoticon
    2153 days ago
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