I have a gremlin
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Not this kind of gremlin
But this kind.
It lives in my head and seems quite comfortable there.
I've known about the gremlin (it didn't have a name yet) for years but it's been the last three weeks that I have begun to realize how badly it is messing with me. Today was the day it was given a name (the gremlin) by Lorna while we were talking on the phone.
I have been getting increasingly frustrated with myself. I have been fighting through C25K since I began my journey back in April. I am embarrassed to admit I am still on week 1 and have never completed three sessions in a week.
I will start out and do 4 iterations of running, but then that 4th one comes around and I cave. I feel like I can't do it. My legs hurt, I can't breathe, I'm tired, I'm too heavy to run. All the reasons why I can't do it come into my mind and then my body responds, my legs DO hurt, I do feel too heavy to run! And I stop. I finish by walking and then come home and am disappointed in myself for not finishing it.
I am afraid of succeeding in this. I'm ready to do it, I'm willing to fight for it but I'm still afraid of it. What happens at the end?! I'll be completely different! What if I don't know who I am anymore? I've been fat all of my adult life, I don't know how to be fit. I've never done this before! I'm trying to figure out how to handle this.
Lorna told me to love the gremlin. I'm going to try. She also told me to fake it until I make it lol!! So I guess I can start by coercing my gremlin into partnering with me instead of bowing to it's sabotage. It's going to be a long process but I'm going to start tonight by talking my gremlin into a longer workout on the elliptical than I have done so far.
Bear with me, I'm learning to love myself and now I have to learn to work with myself! I also need to again relearn to celebrate myself. Instead of being hard on myself for not doing something, I need to celebrate what I do get DONE!
photos from - http://gremlins.wikia.com