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Day 10 -- Seeing the links...

Friday, June 22, 2012

I'm in a big funk.

I'm seeing the links and I don't like what I see!

My cash flow situation is precarious. This is MY CHOICE ('cause I have choices...more on this shortly.)
I have made the decision not to seek and take a full-time job. That means I am relying on term-to-term adjuncting jobs, along with whatever else I pull together including some trainings, facilitations, coaching mediation students, and research projects.

I'm sure it all sounds dandy...but the reality is I am either spending too much or not earning enough or both.

The other part of the situation is that if I teach 3 classes at the community college, I have effectively placed myself out of eligibility for Vermont's subsidized health insurance program, which means that this fall I will effectively be paying 100% of what I earn in that third class back to the state of Vermont for health insurance...because the state of Vermont does not offer health insurance for adjuncts in the state college system. The system SUCKS (pardon my language) on a lot of levels -- educationally and health-insurance-wise.

However: Back to the part where *I* have responsibility. I find myself going into the same "zoned out" state of mind around shopping that I do around eating. I trance out and get my credit card out and then go: "What have I done?!"

Next: Eating:

As I've said, I'm doing better. I am making more frequent choices to eat healthy and whole food. This is good. And: sometimes when I don't maker a good choice on *what* I am eating, I make a good choice on the *amount* I am eating.

For instance, I went to a conference on Day 10 and had a half...and then a second half...of a scone. However, I did not eat three muffins or go crazy on the pastries.

However, I am still hovering around the 170 mark, and after looking at myself in the mirror yesterday (yes, while shopping for clothes) I know I should be at around 160. It's clear th at I have -- so far -- made the CHOICE to stay at around 170.

I now commit to making the CHOICE to eat and exercise in a way that demonstrates my intention to be at 160.

And next -- then the link between the FINANCIAL SITUATION/JOB SITUATION and the EATING/WEIGHT SITUATION.

Basically, I make choices to to zone out and to be weak. I think this psychic state is reflected in my body. Yes, I am heavier than I want to be, but also I have a naturally flexible, but not strong, body. That's my psyche, in a nutshell.

So: As above, so below...

Which means...

I am committing to keeping this blog going (yay me, for doing it for 10 days so far).
I am committing to doing some form of cardio everyday.
I am committing to doing weight/strength training 4 or 5 days a week.

A note on the strength: I have started a "strengthening the core" yoga class and when I got there, a funny-but-not-really-surprisin
g surprise occurred. The yoga teacher had been running a mindfulness and weight control yoga class and was having trouble getting participants. So: She changed the name of the class to "strengthening the core," and left the description the same (which didn't mention weight control but DID mentioning strengthening our WILL).

And, frankly, that's what I need to do: Strengthen my will and my intentionality.

Signing off for today.

P.S. More on the financial situation later...

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BILLB000
    It is so easy, when we are in a funk, to miss seeing the healthy parts of us. Your decision to commit to 160, the goals, the exploration of the issues, all speak of movement toward success. I sense you achieving it. God bless on your journey.
    2340 days ago
    emoticon on day 10 of your blog! I can hear the heart felt intention and I think you are going to get to 160 with you dedication. Cheering you on... CJ
    2341 days ago
    Oh, Kathleen, I just want to shout out: I KNOW!!!
    I am an emotional eater - it's my "drug" of choice, unfortunately. And it's weird too, because sometimes my relationship with food is super healthy and good, and sometimes it's my self-destruct button - zoned out and mindlessly stuffing as a means of detaching, seeking comfort, hiding...

    It's no easy task to take on the restructuring of life-long habits, but we are committed to it, recognizing our triggers and working to react differently than we have before. We can do this!!!
    2341 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/23/2012 11:28:02 AM
  • no profile photo MBGUYER
    you can do it! 1 day at a time

    2342 days ago
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