Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Tonight i did it. I'd been out drinking with some friends and i just did it.
I had basically come all the way home but i wasn't ready to go inside just yet. I didn't want my parents to smell the smoke in on my clothes or wonder why i didn't want to hug them.
I sat on a bench not far from my house and smoked cigarette after cigarette. I felt like s***. But still deep somehow. Like smoking gives me that dark side that this goodie-two-shoes feels she needs. I've been trying to quit for a while now. I'm only nineteen however so i have never really taken myself seriously in my quitting quest. I mean, people who are 15-20 years older than me are trying to quit now, why should i stop right this second? YOLO right?
But then it hit me. YOLO. You only live once. Why would i f-up the next 15-20 years trying to get in shape at the same time as i'm smoking my lungs out? Where is the logic in that? There is none.
I cannot expect others to love me (the thing i crave the most) if i do not love myself. And cigarettes are a temporary sort of love. They are a way for me to pay (literally) to be in the cooler crowd. I deserve more (not to mention that my wallet would benefit from me kicking the habit).
So as i was sitting there on the bench i made a decision. I would leave my half-full pack there along with my two favourite lighters and just walk away. Take a physical stand from this bad habit. I'm not going to lie and say that i don't doubt myself. I do. I'm not sure that i wont jump at the chance of buying a pack the next time i can. But i have faith.
This was probably not the last cigarette i will ever smoke. But it is the last in a long time. And the next one i have will hopefully be the most disgusting thing that i have ever tasted. I'm not going to let this lame-a cry for attention and popularity be my downfall. How can I ever expect to see my full potential if i never believe that i can actually stick to it?
I left my pack and lighters there on the bench tonight .And i don't know if i'm happy or sad. I'm slightly frustrated at the amount of work there is ahead of me. But what good is anything that didn't take a little work - right?
My time starts now. Whether i remain a fat or skinny thing for the rest of my life i'm not going to let myself down. Starting with this little goal i hope to show myself that i am a strong and important individual.