WARNING: Texas Conservative Written

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

General Tourist Information - Dallas and The Republic of Texas

I have now lived in Missouri longer than any other state I have lived in (California, Arizona, Utah, Michigan, Oklahoma, Missouri, Arkansas and Texas). I've also lived here longer than in any other country I've lived (Japan, Vietnam, Australia, Germany, Austria and Switzerland), except for the good old U.S.A.

That said, I'm going to give you some pointers if you are ever a tourist in Dallas, Texas (I lived in California the second longest time and Texas the third longest time, but who wants to hear anymore about California?).

Dallas is populated with warm, caring folks who can't understand anything said by someone from California, New York or New Jersey. People from Florida who have previously lived in any of those states may also not be understood.

It is also populated by arrogant aspholes who come from anywhere north of the Mason-Dixon line, east of the Mississippi, or C.O.W. (California, Oregon, Washington). They think they are superior because they understand people from the states listed in the previous paragraphs (please re-read the first sentence in This paragraph).

A Visitors' Guide to Dallas, Texas (Life in America's 5th Largest City.)

1. You must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside the LBJ Freeway.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its own version of traffic rules....Hold on and pray. There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all drive like that. If the posted speed limit is 55 and you are not in the slow lane doing at least 70, you are a road hazard.

3. All directions start with, "Go down to Beltline"...which has no beginning and no end.

4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."

5. The morning rush hour is from 6AM to 10AM. The evening rush hour is from 3PM to 7PM, but may be extended to 9PM for fender benders or ice. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning at 10AM.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to three when the light turns green before going to avoid getting into any cross-traffic's way.

7. Arapaho Road can only be pronounced by a native. The same holds true for Wycliff Avenue, Worcola Street, Sul Ross and Routh Street.

8. Construction on I-30 and I-35 is a way of life and form of entertainment.

9. All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we must be in Fort Worth!!"

10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

11. All old ladies with blue hair in pink Cadillacs have the right of way.

12. Story Road mysteriously changes names as you cross intersections. Unless you're on Storey Rd......

13. If asking directions in Irving, you must have knowledge of Spanish, preferably the Mexican dialect.

14. Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport has four terminal buildings connected by one tram that never works.

15. A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85. Anything less is explained as downright sissy and/or being from out of town (with the exception of Los Angeles where people actually consider Dallas a nice drive in the country).

16. The wrought iron on windows in and around Oak Cliff isn't for ornamental purposes.

17. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says,"Keep honking. I'm reloading." In fact, don't honk at anyone. Concealed weapons are a jealously guarded, God-given right. Pick-ups WITHOUT a shotgun in the back window have been borrowed by underage sons of daughters. You can get a hunting license in Texas at 10 years old, Just like Missouri and many other Southern or Western States.

18. If you are in the left lane, and only going 70 in a 60 mph zone...people are not waving when they go by.

19. The North Dallas Toll way is our daily version of NASCAR.

20. LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

21. If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend.

22. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Live Stock show is going on.

23. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round.

24. Amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc. are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

25. Our highway road sign, "Don't Mess With Texas", has more than one meaning. If you don't know the second one, always put plenty of "Please, Thank Yous, Sirs and Ma'ams" into any conversation with a Texan. It's safer that way (see items 6 and 17 above).

26. Above all, enjoy your stay in Dallas. If you've ever seen any of our tourist brochures, you've seen the claim "Texas is a whole 'nother country". There is a reason for that (other then our size). We are the only state in the Union that has the right (by treaty) to secede from the United States.

27. We also have the right to reform ourselves into five states if the need arises. 8 more Republican Senators would probably make a big difference in how the Senate leans.

28. Finally, it behooves someone from out of state to remove bumper stickers that say, "I voted for (insert any Democrats name), or "Oh Democrat - 2012". Camouflage bumper stickers saying "Gun Carrying, Strict Constructionist Republican" are especially helpful if your tag says New York at the top.
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  • no profile photo CD6307291
    Wen I lived in OK, my relatives from Tulsa always said there are 3 speed limits. Fast, faster, and Dearly, Beloved!
    3134 days ago
    I live in Texas, with time spent in nearly all major cities (El Paso, Houston, Austin, San Antonio, and Wichita Falls, though that is about as far from a major city you can get), I have never lived, nor wanted to in Dallas. The traffic is just too damn scary for me! And Dallas is just a funny town compared to the rest of Texas.

    Don't get me wrong, I don't hate Dallas, I just could never live there personally.
    3138 days ago
    Love it!

    I live in Dallas and it's all true. No. 3 made me laugh out loud!

    Visitors, don't forget that you go east on Northwest Highway which is also Loop 12. emoticon
    3139 days ago
    I don't like Dallas either, I think you forgot to mention how dishonest they are there. But I live in the Rio Grande Valley, among the nicest people you will ever meet. We are very polite and will spend all the time you need, to get the directions straight. We try to welcome visitors and have some lovely restaurants and shopping districts. We try to do everything we can to make sure everyone is happy and comfortable. Unless They are driving. In the left lane, 20 MPG below the speed limit. Yes, I said below. And they try to team up with someone of like mind in the right lane, so you can follow them but never, ever pass.

    3139 days ago
    Hm...I'll have to print this & keep it with me this summer...going to Texas...& I believe we are going to Dallas at some point. It will come in handy!
    3139 days ago
    3140 days ago
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