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I can't help but wonder...

Monday, June 18, 2012

"In life, stuff happens and then you and I give those experiences a label. And when we 'believe' the label, we create our own personal reality. Good, bad. Hard, easy. Success, failure.

"But what if we simply chose not to fail? Ever. What if we shifted our paradigm a little to the left? What if we chose to re-frame our picture? To tell ourselves a new story? A better story? A healthier story? What if we removed the word 'failure' from our vocabulary and chose to have lessons, opportunities, challenges and experiences instead? Is that possible? What if Joe said "oh well", shrugged his shoulders and simply let it go - instead of throwing himself into an emotional tailspin? What if failure wasn't an option for us? What might we try? Do? Create?

"And who might we become along the way?

"When a baby tries to walk but is at the point in their development when they lack the strength, balance and co-ordination to do so, what happens? They fall down. And then they try again. And again. Sometimes they laugh. Or cry. Sometimes, both. And then they keep trying and trying. And laughing and crying. They don't evaluate or label their experience; they just have it. They haven't failed; they just haven't walked yet. Unlike me and you, they haven't yet learned the possibility of failure, so they happily keep falling down until one day they take a few wobbly steps. And then a few more. And before long, they're running. All their trying pays off.

"They have fallen but not failed.

"So, I guess today's question is: will you fall down and get up or will you fail?"

The above is an excerpt courtesy of my friend, CRAIG HARPER:

You can read the whole thing here:

The last nine (and a half) months haven't been easy by any stretch of the imagination, but Craig has managed to hone in and help me put words to exactly why I no longer feel as though I'm struggling to eliminate fat from my body (no matter how slow it's going).

In these nine (and a half) months I've had:
emoticon bad days
emoticon 'you've got to be kidding me' days
emoticon "Are you SERIOUS??!!!" days
emoticon "What the h#!!?" days
emoticon 'there's got to be more to life than THIS' days
emoticon 'what fresh hell is this?' days
emoticon invisible days
emoticon 'it's not fair' days
emoticon 'not again' days
emoticon "Not really... REALLY?!" days
emoticon 'just shoot me now' days
emoticon "This is hopeless!" days
emoticon "What's the point?" days
emoticon 'this is just a bad dream and I'll wake up soon' days
emoticon 'can't get out of bed' days (though now very few and far between are these)
emoticon "Who are you, and where is MY body?" days
emoticon "Who switched out all the d@mn mirrors in the house?" days
emoticon 'I don't care if it's good for me' days
emoticon 'I could just scream and scream and scream' days
emoticon "Just take me now, Lord!" days
emoticon "This is pointless!" days
emoticon 'cry me a river' days (bluer than blue, sadder than sad)
emoticon "...and speaking of that river, if you don't shut up I'm gonna shove that paddle up your @$$!" days (*embarrased blush* ...just sayin')
emoticon "I can't do this today." days
emoticon #!@**!#\!# days
emoticon "*normal weight* is highly overrated' days
emoticon "I HATE THIS PLACE!" days (months long plateaus)
emoticon "What NOW?!" days
emoticon unacknowledged days
emoticon 'Does this have to be SO HARD?!" days
emoticon "Why do I bother?" days
emoticon 'I think I'm gonna die' days
emoticon 'if I don't laugh I'll cry (and perhaps never stop)' days
emoticon worse days

...about one day out of ten is one of *THOSE* days.

Yet, not one day in the last nine (and a half) months have I failed.


Yesterday, for about 10 minutes, I thought I might have.

We were gathered with my husband's family (his mom and dad, and two of his three brothers... the ones with the tiny, pretty wives despite having had a multitude of children... 9 between them), and everyone was oohing and aahing over how great my husband looks (and he DOES!), and I've seldom felt less visible.

So I put it out there...

"You know, I'm really starting to feel invisible around here.... I've lost weight, too... 50 lbs."

The silence was deafening... everyone turning to look at me (serves me right... be careful what you ask for... I was no longer 'invisible' at this point)... blinking vacantly... the looks on their faces clearly stating, "Just how big were you before now?!" Or perhaps, "You know you're still fat, don't you?" Or even worse, "Your point being?"

My MIL put the exclamation point on it all with, "You lost *50* pounds?!"

...As everyone turned away again.

...and life went on... and I didn't fail yesterday, either!

I happily ate my meal with a glass of wine, skipped the highly processed chemical-laden artificially coloured dessert 'homemade' by my SIL (of which my child and husband took a couple of bites and then decided it wasn't worth eating). I watched with satisfaction as every scrap of food I contributed to the meal was inhaled and exclaimed over repeatedly (grilled veggies *2 lbs. mushrooms, 1 lb. grape tomatoes, 4 large peppers of every colour, 4 large baby zucchini, 3 large Vidalia onions*, a large bowl of lightly dressed Asian cabbage/slaw *with sesame oil and rice wine vinegar*, and marinated grilled chicken), while other food sat congeling on their serving plates looking very SAD.

I can't help but wonder... what will they all see of me (or not see) in a year's time?

...Because at this point in time I *know* I will eventually reach 'goal' weight (a healthy BMI and weight, according to the charts... and somewhere in the ballpark of 25 pounds lighter than anyone in my husband's family has ever seen me).

Four and a half years ago I can't say I even believed reaching a 'healthy/normal/goal weight' would be possible. I hoped I could manage to lose some weight while I got healthier... I would have been ecstatic to simply lose 30-50 pounds, and imagined I'd be happy with that... but I wasn't getting my hopes up. Those red goal pants of mine were consigned to being a fond memory, never to be worn again. Now, while the only place I will wear those (hopelessly outdated) red pants is around the house, wear them, I will.

It is for simple reasons like these alone that not one day in the last nine (and a half) months have I failed.

Not only have I not failed, I will succeed.

May today and every day bring to you a ridiculous abundance of whatever you need. May all your concerns, struggles, anxieties and fears fall like ashes as you rise on eagle's wings, SOARING above all that would hinder you along this tremendous adventure of being and becoming all you are created to be. May the grace of God simply "overtake" you moment by moment. May the joy and victory of the risen Lord be yours in a very personal way... may you always be overwhelmed by the grace of God, rather than by the cares of life!

{{{{{{{{{ HUGS }}}}}}}}}

P.S. Oh... I'm also not around much right now.. a week ago Saturday I spent 12 hours standing out in the wind and rain watching my Divine Miss O play soccer (it was fun while it lasted)... apparently being chilled to the bone for any length of time can allow for certain bacteria/viruses in your body, that you would otherwise fight off, to flourish (due to a reduced core temperature)... I have a NASTY headcold...eyes, throat, sinuses, ears all miserable. I'm now off to have a nap before I get Miss O from school.


...Because YOU choose to always get up.... to tell a new story, a better story, a healthier story!



'BEFORE' Pictures (May 31, 2009 - September, 2011) & Continuing PROGRESS (February 2012)! Next pictures July 1, 2012!

(I'm now keeping these right under my nose... in addition to being part of every blog I post, they are printed off and taped to my bedroom mirror)

Measurements, Musings & Motivation to MOVE!

(UPDATED/rewritten: JUNE, 2012)

I've Reached My Goal Weight!!!!!!!

NOTE: My weight tracker is NOT a truthful representation of my weight. Instead, I am using it as a tool to help me visualize my goal as though it's already been achieved!
(Tom Venuto)

UNTIL. (My 'Just Do It' blog)

DONE Girl Love...

(the footsteps into which I place my own feet)

Leaving NORMAL

Why I'm STILL here... my SparkJourney Saga

Words CAN Be Enough... page 2

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I absolutely love this. LOL Thanx for sharing it with us, Ramona! Kinda puts a nice perspective on it all!
    2758 days ago
    I so agree with the spirit of this blog. We are going to fall down often, we are only out when we quit. Just can't quit . . . then we are always moving forward. I don't care what the scale says. Just hang in there and keep being transparent and cheering the rest of us on. You can't imagine how much it means to me to walk this path with you (even though I've not been around here much, you have been in my heart . . . ) . Take care and just know how much you are loved . . . as always, Jan
    2764 days ago
    Darlin' - you haven't failed in the last nine and a half months...because no matter how good or bad things have been, you've continued to keep your eye on the prize, and stay mindful of your goals. You are conscious and present every day of this journey. You have lost 50+ pounds. You have made huge strides in improving your health and your quality of life.

    No one has to notice for all of these things to be true. But, your Sparkfriends have, and your husband has. And I'm sure that your little one have also noticed. What more do we need, then the love and appreciation of those whom we hold most dear?

    Stay positive. Those red pants may not be in-fashion at the moment, but who knows what the future holds. :)
    2766 days ago
    Another wonderful and inspiring blog. You have such a talent for writing emoticon emoticon
    2767 days ago
    I have no idea what to say about this blog. Nothing I say will do it justice. It is so very motivational and encouraging. You are a blessing to us, and to Spark People. You are also a good writer. Many blessings to you. I'm looking forward to the day when you write about meeting with your hubby's family and report a wonderful story of how they've oo'd and aw'd you with congrats & pats on the back. You have already accomplished so much just by trying and never giving up. Have they done that? If not, you're already way past where they are. Oh, and the chilly feeling... I was cold for about 2 years straight after I reached my goal weight the first time. Seriously. I thought something was wrong with me. lol My Mom would say over and over "it's just your body adjusting to the new size". After a couple of years I said "Mom, that excuse is kinda old now. lol" Well, wouldn't you know it. Shortly after that I read an article that said it takes a body about 2 years to adjust to a new size after a big weight loss! lol Many blessings to you, my dear friend. HUGS.
    2768 days ago
  • IAM_HIS2
    Awesome...you are so very talented in expressing the depth & beauty of what you feel. I am so in awe of the wisdom plus the beauty of your heart when you write your blogs.

    I keep re-reading what you write--I get so much from your blogs that touches my heart. God Bless YOU!! Keep writing. Your blogs are a blessing to me.

    By the way, Congratulations on taking off 50 pounds!!! I am so happy for you and I know how much work that takes! You are an awesome lady!

    2769 days ago
    Wonderful motivating blog Ramona, I hope you feel better soon hun emoticon
    2769 days ago
    1 - AWESOME!!!!!!!

    I have panic attacks where I fail and I am not great about eating always and I also can't exercise right now as I just as a ACDF... but that's okay. I am eating as best I can RIGHT NOW and walking and doing what I can RIGHT NOW.

    2 - YOU deserve to be seen ALWAYS and your weight has ZERO to do with it.

    3 - my sister told me she and my SIL and niece were really concerned when I came in dead last at a 10 K here 3 years ago ... they thought I was in trouble!! I looked her dead in the face and said, I did NOT come in dead last. I was the last one who came in. The difference in those two statements are about a billion. (Also really it was the blacktop and dead head of end of May that did for me not the walking - I can walk for miles!) I came in before the people that didn't sign up. I came in before the people who lined the sidewalks. I came in before the people who "volunteered", I came in before the people who weren't there AND I came in before the SEVERAL people who dropped out when we weren't even 1/2 way there.

    I CAME IN.

    2769 days ago
  • SMILES4383
    You do this for YOU.....
    And you motivate us along the way.

    2769 days ago
    The only failure is in quitting. You are becoming a healthy, fit woman. That is success!
    2769 days ago
    LOVE this!! I think I've had everyone of those days too:)
    2769 days ago
  • KNH771
    Your story about the family dinner really got me! I could feel the "blank-ish" stares. Love the positive attitude. Feel better!
    2769 days ago
  • BERRY4
    We could all learn a lot from the little ones...whether toddlers learning to walk, or even how children deal with grief. (They don't wallow in it. They go through times of sadness, then they set it aside and go play. It will be there when they are ready to process another bit of the loss they've experienced.)

    They take life as it comes, without all the "deep, figure-it-out" parts.

    We would all be wiser to reframe our experiences and see the positive opportunities, and not the constant negatives. -- The challenge for me is to walk away, step by step, from the habits of the PAST, and choose more wisely... from this time forth!
    2769 days ago
    You continue to put great language to so much that is hard to express. Thank you for taking the time to do that, as the effort often speaks to me and inspires. When I can, as it is so slow for me, I will write to you of how you provided motivation for me to choose strength over weight as my focus roughly 4 months ago AND the amazing path that's unfolded.

    As ever, I wish you the best in your endeavors and thank you for sharing some of it through your gift of writing.

    2769 days ago
    emoticon Love this post!
    2769 days ago
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