Hopeless AND Inspired??? Juicing, Whole Foods Plant Diet & More....

I'm so totally lost right now! Forget spiraling, either up or down, I feel like I'm just spinning out of control with no sense of direction.

Ok, so I've been back to SParking since about mid-April and other than one weigh-in, I've gained every time! I don't understand at all. I was maintaining my weight and/or losing slowly for months now. The only things I've changed have been in a positive direction: healthier, lower calories, more activity. I'm going slowly because I'm starting over, have tons of stressors going on in my life and all my medical issues. Regardless, I've gained over 13lbs since being back on SPark and it just doesn't make sense. Of course, with my situation, the effects of my stress or my medications are not within my control. I've recently started Remicade infusions and I've heard from some people it causes weight gain - I'll have to chat with my doc. This makes me terribly paranoid though, because I gained 100lbs from a stupid medication in about 5 months in 2005 - and that's the weight I'm STILL trying to lose.

Besides that frustration and confusion... I then swing in the other direction. My significant other and I watched Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. It was very interesting and definitely hit a nerve with me due to his complaints about being on so many medications and being so ill at a young age (I'm 10+ years younger than that guy!). But my S.O., took it and ran with it. He said he's been thinking about doing juicing for a while and he wants/needs to lose weight too. He was adamant we start it and start it TODAY! So we went and got a juicer and $40 worth of veggies to turn into over a gallon of green juice.

His argument is reasonable: what's the worst that can happen? We do it for 3 days, then quit. Maybe just integrate it into our regular eating? Those seem simple enough - we just do it for as long as we can. Hopefully we'll get some good detox, weight loss and energy out of it. So why am I bothered and anxious by this?? I. Don't. Know.

I haven't had a real diet partner in a long, long time. Pretty much anyone and everyone I've ever "gone healthy" with goes to one extreme, passes me by and then quits; meanwhile, I'm just trucking along at my own slow but steady pace. And this S.O. is known for his commitment issues (we're not even technically "together" even though we live together!). I'm a little concerned about his over-enthusiasm about this process, also his lack of interest in listening to what I have to add (I only have a nursing degree, taken specialized nutrition classes and a lifetime of dieting; whereas he has none). It's tough to have someone get super- motivated, lose tons of weight easily, then quit on you. My medical issues and just basic metabolism make it extremely difficult to lose weight, so pretty much anyone can pass me by. not to mention that I like stability and would truly love someone to be partners with me on this journey - or any journey really. I don't want to think that I'm setting us up for failure, but.... it sure sounds like it, doesn't it?

I also am personally hesitant because of my GI issues since November. Including chronic pain, nausea, and vomiting. I'm not sure I can really handle doing only the juicing because of all my meds and my GI issues. Again, it doesn't hurt to go in the direction of more veggies and fruits, regardless of how much. Ugh, I'm just going back and forth and round and round!

Ultimately, those are the ways I'm trying to combat my hopelessness. I have next to no option left for my medical care. The remicade is pretty much my last hope - for everything - for my life; and that's a really scary feeling. I'm desperately clinging to the idea that I can take control of my eating, lose weight and improve my health. The other option is death. Fantastic choices and I love not having a back up plan! {sigh} It's a weird combination to be facing your own mortality and lack of a future, while trying to find ways to keep going. I also want to try to blog more. I think this transition is going to be excessively difficult on me and learning to share and articulate what's going on will be vital. I'm finally trying to really put myself first in my personal life (this means a lot of cuts & drama), find hope to keep fighting with my disease and for my life, as well as conquer my addiction to food. They are all tied in together and trying to navigate my way is going to be tricky.

I hope the blogging, increasing activity, juicing, etc. help get my weight in the right direction and I can some real inspiration and success. It's bothering me to be doing so poorly at the beginning - normally my weight goes down easily at first, it's later that's the problem. More importantly, I hope I just feel better about myself and my decisions. I'm quite tired of being this insecure.

Please share with me any about Juicing, Whole Food Plant Diet, those documentaries or any of that... good or bad, I'd love to hear it!