Time for the sabotage blog :(

Sunday, June 17, 2012

I said I would do this, so here it goes. I am forever sabotaging anything good in my life. I want to tell the details, but I am afraid people might read this and then my life could be changed because of it. I made a HUGE mistake on Sat. by sabotaging things at home. I decided that I will tell the people in a private message about this area of my life. The general idea is that when things start going well in my life I get scared and I mess things up. I don't know if it is intentional or a subconscious thing. I just do it. I don't know why. I am partly afraid of failure, partly afraid of success, I know that a part of me believes that I can't do it or handle it, and a HUGE part of me believes that I don't deserve it. I do this with jobs (although I did work for 13 years at my last so called real job), with friendships, relationships, and my diet and exercise. I didn't talk to my best friend for close to a year because I was afraid and ashamed that he would judge me. I was embarrassed at they way my life was turning out. I didn't want him to find out. He cam by my house earlier this week. I decided to tell him what is going on. He told me how skinny I was and congratulated me on that. He listened to me and didn't judge me. He told me about his numerous troubles. I should have known that he was only in a slightly better pace than me. He gave me a hug for the first time. I was floored that we were still close after all this time. I guess that I was sabotaging that relationship by not reaching out to him when he was still wanted to be friends.
ON a positive note, I am beginning to believe that I CAN master my destiny as it relates to diet and exercise. That is a step in the right direction. I am very nervous about my new job. I want to do well, but I am afraid. Pray that I can handle it. I am very weak. Thanks for listening and caring Sparkers. I am off to bed as my medicine is kicking in.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I will most certainly prayer for you, my brother.
    3230 days ago
    I can relate to your blog.
    "ON a positive note, I am beginning to believe that I CAN master my destiny as it relates to diet and exercise."
    That's the first step, isn't it? Are you beginning to feel that way because you are becoming more confident in your ability to succeed?
    I used to self-sabotage my every effort to get healthier, simply because I didn't think I was worthy of it. I sabotaged some friendships because I didn't think I was worthy of them. I was afraid people would judge me and think little of me. In the end I am the one who lost. After months of positive self-talk, it's finally starting to sink in: I am worth it, and so are you! Don't be afraid of the good, you deserve it too. Trust yourself, you can do it. Your true friends will stick by your side through thick and thin, if you let them.
    You are worthy of happiness and well-being. Remember that.

    3242 days ago
    I am sure alot of people can relate.. I am known to do this my self. and your right it coul be a fear of failure or a fear of doing well, it is like waiting for the bomb to drop.. but you..... we dont have to wait for that bomb to drop because it may never drop and as long as we are willing... to keep going..
    and I think you are willing because you are here and you are blogging about and reaching out.. glad you did.. your are a great person, your friends sees that, we see that and you do to..

    3243 days ago
    i know several people who sabotage things like that. can't honestly say that i understand it. sorry that you are having difficulties, but you already know that with God, all things are possible. there is help available for folks who have issues like this. maybe you will reach out and find that help through your doctor. Praying all the best for you!
    3244 days ago
    Thanks for sharing. I have a habit of sabotaging things in my life. It's good to know that I'm not the only one but I know your struggles. Keep your head up. We can only get better!
    3244 days ago
    emoticon Recognizing a behavior is the first step towards changing it.
    3244 days ago
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