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Today, I begin again... clear my mind of "Can't"

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Hello Friends!

I have come to a turning point in my life… again!

Began a whole new set of goals added to the weight loss goals. These are more personal goals to help me with the anxiety and depression that I have been dealing with. Many of you know that I beat this last year with the help of a program called Cognitive Behavior Therapy or CBT as you will hear me call it.

Unfortunately as I have been discovering, I did not quite beat it, I must have just scraped the surface and was able to live free of it for quite a while until recently when the depression and anxiety began to take over my life again.

I began to feel like I was losing control of the happiness and hope that I have carried with me for the last year… the last 155 lbs lost! I have struggled for months now trying to get “back into my groove” and have been unsuccessful as the scale has refused to move and the depression began to creep up again… the worst part has been my anxiety as it has began to control my life to the point of not being very pleasant around those I live with, having to quit a great job because of panic attacks, having to put school on hold due to failing grades and even to the point of not being able to function on a daily basis.

I am not writing this for pity or wanting anyone to feel sad for me. This is not what I need at all. Support… yes! Prayers… yes! Understanding… definitely!

There are going to be some days when I do not seem pleasant or upbeat at all, but I will write about them because journaling is a very important part of this process. If you chose not to read about those days, then feel free not to; however, I must do this, and I appreciate all the uplifting and understanding support I can get.

On the other hand, there will be days when I will feel wonderful, hopefully more of those than the other. I love the mantra “fake it till you make it” although in this case, I feel that I have been doing way too much faking it over the last year which has gotten me into this mess again. What you read, if you chose to, will be real, honest, as I always am, and straight forward.

I realize there are many people who have these same issues, some chose not to deal with them, or even acknowledge them at all. I hope that I can provide a light of hope that things can get better after finding yourself in a deep dark place. Which is the second reason I chose to make my blogs open to the public, I hope to help even one person on their own journey to finding that light within them, while I do the same.

I read a saying from a spark friend a long time ago, and I apologize I cannot quote who said it to give acknowledgement but it has stuck with me and will continue to do so, as I believe it more than any other I have come across…

“I stopped stuffing my face when I began facing my stuff.” – sparkie

This is the basis of my weight gain, to escape from that which I hide from, the fears, the anxieties, and the things in life which I do not wish to deal with. Food makes me feel good inside, for me it is comfort, and control. I eat to make up for that which I cannot control, because food, at one point, WAS something I felt I could control… for a while, then it itself became the culprit. Now I find I have to fight that enemy as well. When I get to a place where I learn to face what my fears and anxieties are, I know I can accomplish anything… including the demons.

The good thing is that I am determined! I was determined a year ago, I have continued to be determined, yes I have lost my path, veered off into the unknown and found myself scared and lost, but I have found that path again, now I just have to travel it, stay on it, and follow it where it leads me… to freedom!

I keep telling myself that it’s not the getting lost or falling down which beats me, it’s the staying there, and I refuse to!

I am still determined… and determination will get me there in the end!

So, along with my normal routine of workouts and eating right (or attempting to), I have also added the following:

- Relaxation CD 2x per day.
- The CBT program of which there is a specific session to follow each week.
- Breathing technique during which I repeat my mantra each hour.
- And of course journaling…

So… I begin again… onto a new day!


Yesterday's Update:

Did awesome yesterday on eating… UNTIL late night... as always! MUST find a way to keep myself busy at night when the urge to eat hits!

Did great on my workouts last night and calories burned... did not hit the treadmill last night although I should have, if I had I probably would not have eaten that late night snack I did.

Tomorrow is a new day... keep moving forward!

40 minutes Shred It w/Weights: 199 calories burned!

25 minutes Zumba Fitness: 244 calories burned!

45 minutes Swimming – Leisure: 588 calories burned!

5,535 total steps!

1,907 calories eaten
3,374 calories burned (total BMR and actual burned)
1,461 calorie deficit

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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    I appreciate you sharing this blog! I totally understand the depression! I have been dealing with debilitating depression for 4 years. I use a therapy called DBT-Dialectial Behavioral Therapy. I have been struggling getting back into using my skills and writing in my journal! You have inspired me to pick up my journal again! Kudos to you for all you have accomplished and continue to do! Happy Tuesday!

    cj/ emoticon
    2146 days ago
    Hey Kat,

    Looked you up...been missing your are such an
    INSPIRING sparker...I have read your struggles with anxiety & depression... you are right about the your MINDSET being the catalyst to starting your body on a healthy path...sorry your anxiety & depression is such a huge factor for you...we also have some family history with this issue...I've dealt with depression advice is that as long as there is a NEW DAY in front of you...start there & CELEBRATE each & every POSITIVE STEP you MAKE no matter how SMALL it may seem...this will HELP you get your mindset to move you forward into that great HAPPY space...from there your body will follow & the sky is the limit on where your health can go!!! I am with you & sending you HAPPY SPIRIT VIBES!!! Together we can ALL do thkis!!! emoticon emoticon
    2149 days ago
    My best solution to late-night eating was to just go to bed earlier! More and better sleep will help with losing weight anyway! You are doing amazing!
    2164 days ago
    It's so hard for me to believe you have issues with anxiety and depression when your blogs are so sincere, forthcoming, and real. You "get it" as well or better than any of us. So glad you are sharing because it helps all of us. I may not be diagnosed with depression, but I sure do feel it sometimes more than others. You were meant to succeed, and pull some of us along with you! emoticon
    2167 days ago
    2169 days ago
    You have my support and love. I know about depression and can only add that you must find your way out. We will hold you and comfort you but we will also tell you things you need to hear. You are the most important person in your world. Take all the time and effort you would with anyone else. I believe in you and I can tell that you're going to get back to the self controlled person you want to be. Take it easy. Slow and easy and use every tool there is. I am by your side. Call me if you need me, any time.

    2170 days ago
    Thank you for this blog!
    I never knew about how severe struggles with anxiety and depression could be until my daughter asked me to come help her for two weeks her last year of college. She was in the midst of a bad cycle. It was painful to watch, and I felt so helpless! For her the issues began once she was done playing collegiate volleyball. Not exercising several hours a day, and losing all those endorphins, allowed for the depression and anxiety to surface. We have been on a learning journey together now.
    I offer you my support in any way possible!
    Keeping you in my thoughts....
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2170 days ago
    You are so much stronger than you realize!
    2172 days ago
    Thank you for sharing emoticon emoticon
    2172 days ago
  • SHELLE13
    I think I could have written this myself! I understand 3,000% how you are feeling! In fact, I was getting tired of hearing myself say, today is a new day, starting over! The depression is no help, it makes everything so much harder. I have anxiety as well and am in a job I hate. That adds to the complication. But, when you're in a groove, its so much easier! If Stella got her groove back, so can we! ;)
    2172 days ago
    Thank you for sharing. It takes a lot of courage to put it all out there for the world to see. emoticon
    2172 days ago
    emoticon Blog. Thanks for sharing... Sorry to hear you are struggling with this right now... You had a great start yesterday!! Even if you are taking small steps forward you are still moving towards your goal. You CAN do this!!! emoticon emoticon
    2172 days ago
    I love this blog entry! Keep up the good work and you'll reap great rewards.I am so sorry to hear all that you're dealing with. I do hope that it gets easier for you. Time is a wonderful thing, and you'll make it through!! emoticon
    2172 days ago
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