I have come to a turning point in my life… again!
Began a whole new set of goals added to the weight loss goals. These are more personal goals to help me with the anxiety and depression that I have been dealing with. Many of you know that I beat this last year with the help of a program called Cognitive Behavior Therapy or CBT as you will hear me call it.
Unfortunately as I have been discovering, I did not quite beat it, I must have just scraped the surface and was able to live free of it for quite a while until recently when the depression and anxiety began to take over my life again.
I began to feel like I was losing control of the happiness and hope that I have carried with me for the last year… the last 155 lbs lost! I have struggled for months now trying to get “back into my groove” and have been unsuccessful as the scale has refused to move and the depression began to creep up again… the worst part has been my anxiety as it has began to control my life to the point of not being very pleasant around those I live with, having to quit a great job because of panic attacks, having to put school on hold due to failing grades and even to the point of not being able to function on a daily basis.
I am not writing this for pity or wanting anyone to feel sad for me. This is not what I need at all. Support… yes! Prayers… yes! Understanding… definitely!
There are going to be some days when I do not seem pleasant or upbeat at all, but I will write about them because journaling is a very important part of this process. If you chose not to read about those days, then feel free not to; however, I must do this, and I appreciate all the uplifting and understanding support I can get.
On the other hand, there will be days when I will feel wonderful, hopefully more of those than the other. I love the mantra “fake it till you make it” although in this case, I feel that I have been doing way too much faking it over the last year which has gotten me into this mess again. What you read, if you chose to, will be real, honest, as I always am, and straight forward.
I realize there are many people who have these same issues, some chose not to deal with them, or even acknowledge them at all. I hope that I can provide a light of hope that things can get better after finding yourself in a deep dark place. Which is the second reason I chose to make my blogs open to the public, I hope to help even one person on their own journey to finding that light within them, while I do the same.
I read a saying from a spark friend a long time ago, and I apologize I cannot quote who said it to give acknowledgement but it has stuck with me and will continue to do so, as I believe it more than any other I have come across…
“I stopped stuffing my face when I began facing my stuff.” – sparkie
This is the basis of my weight gain, to escape from that which I hide from, the fears, the anxieties, and the things in life which I do not wish to deal with. Food makes me feel good inside, for me it is comfort, and control. I eat to make up for that which I cannot control, because food, at one point, WAS something I felt I could control… for a while, then it itself became the culprit. Now I find I have to fight that enemy as well. When I get to a place where I learn to face what my fears and anxieties are, I know I can accomplish anything… including the demons.
The good thing is that I am determined! I was determined a year ago, I have continued to be determined, yes I have lost my path, veered off into the unknown and found myself scared and lost, but I have found that path again, now I just have to travel it, stay on it, and follow it where it leads me… to freedom!
I keep telling myself that it’s not the getting lost or falling down which beats me, it’s the staying there, and I refuse to!
I am still determined… and determination will get me there in the end!
So, along with my normal routine of workouts and eating right (or attempting to), I have also added the following:
- Relaxation CD 2x per day.
- The CBT program of which there is a specific session to follow each week.
- Breathing technique during which I repeat my mantra each hour.
- And of course journaling…
So… I begin again… onto a new day!
Did awesome yesterday on eating… UNTIL late night... as always! MUST find a way to keep myself busy at night when the urge to eat hits!
Did great on my workouts last night and calories burned... did not hit the treadmill last night although I should have, if I had I probably would not have eaten that late night snack I did.
Tomorrow is a new day... keep moving forward!
40 minutes Shred It w/Weights: 199 calories burned!
25 minutes Zumba Fitness: 244 calories burned!
45 minutes Swimming – Leisure: 588 calories burned!
5,535 total steps!
1,907 calories eaten
3,374 calories burned (total BMR and actual burned)
1,461 calorie deficit