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180 degrees to sad

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

This is a picture of Eileen a couple of hours after surgery in May. We hit the 1000 level on Jumbline 2.

Never a dull moment in my life.

So ... we went to Vancouver for E's little surgery and E's Mom was here for a month and she left a couple of Fridays ago.

Now, after the pathology report and the doctors holidays, the non-cancerous tumor in E's leg... is now cancer, a rare low-grade soft tissue sarcoma, which is high up in one of three left adductor muscle, ( high up in the inner thigh). This is 180 degrees from where we thought we would be today. Treatment includes radiation of 50 gy at 2gy/day for the next 5-6 weeks, a 4-6 week rest period, and at the end of September another surgical procedure, far more complex than the surgery in May (for which E easily recovered in a few weeks). This next surgery, which will lay her up for months, and has a 30% chance of failure, is to be far "bigger". The plan is to save her leg and her life.

It has been only a few days since we learned all these details. Now we are in shock.

I want to cry all the time. But the logical me is gearing up for action, for the battle ahead. I am E's partner, advocate, helper, organizer, and I just love her so much. I've got file folders for print and electronic, calendars, lists of contacts, and a white board. We will get a plan, some contingencies plans too. I'm going to become a soup expert. E is finishing up school, writing reports for a week and then it's officially summer vacation. But this year our vacation will be going for radiation treatment here in Victoria and preparing for surgery... which will be in Vancouver, not in Victoria, and this complicates things even more, of course.

It could be worse. Although I have not practiced Zumba, or MJE, or Wii Walk It Out, or the stationary bike, or the bands and balls, regularly, in any way for almost 3 weeks, my calorie intake is staying under control and I'm not gaining. I'm weeding and fussing in the garden, not even walking that much and I'm still reaching almost 10,000 steps/dy. I know I have to find my way back to the physical me of last month, soon.

It could be worse. Summer vacation is almost here. E is strong and beautiful and a bit of a workaholic. Any other time of year she would worry about taking time away from her classrooms. As it is, she will have lots of time away from class after surgery in September.

It could be worse. If this thing has already metastasized, (the odds are low) then there will likely be chemo involved too. More diagnostic scans are planned for this and next week.

It could be worse. E doesn't feel sick. She has just turned 50, this is still young. If we had ignored getting healthy these past couple of years, mostly the last year ... maybe we would be less able to fight this fight.

It could be worse. We would have to travel to Vancouver for radiation but it's not required and we can stay in Victoria.

It could be worse. We could be alone and not have each other.

It could be worse.

We don't do the fate thing very well. We query "why" and come up with multiple solutions, including pesticides which are everywhere, and strange chemicals E worked with as a geologist, it could even be genetic or all of the above. We may never know and that's ok too.

I've heard that fighting cancer requires a certain state of mind. I can do strong and positive, at least on the outside, but, at the moment the inside is feeling bruised and I just want to cry.
It must be possible to be both positive and devastated at the same time. And this is where I am today.

Thanks for all your support. Let's rock this day.

hugs all round


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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Thinking of you both with intense well wishes. I don't know if the state of mind to fight cancer can be precisely defined and it certainly cannot be prescribed---but I think you have it with your clarity of vision and your ability to see that "It could be worse". emoticon
    2194 days ago
  • CODYG123
    Thank you for your well wishes and support. There is soooooooooooooo much to do, so many phone calls to make, so many thoughts to process, so many lists to complete and checkboxes to solve. I am hoping we can zen out within 10 days and get a groove on for the duration of her treatment. ie: less stress.
    I am writing this from the Victory Room. ;) emoticon
    2195 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/14/2012 3:13:47 PM
    My prayers are with you both also!
    2195 days ago
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    We're here when you need to vent.
    2196 days ago
    Cody I will keep both you and Eileen in my prayers, you are very similar to me, I do not do the fate thing either, but query everything, and everything must have a reason, I feel however believe you can be strong and positive on the outside, but hurt and crying on the inside, I understand perfectly, take care of you both and lean on each other for strength and look to God he is there for both of you!!
    2196 days ago
    I'll keep you both in my prayers.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2196 days ago
  • SABRINA1024
    prayers are with you both. be strong....
    2196 days ago
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