Is My Body Perfect? Nope.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Yep, here I am, blogging at one in the morning, but I have been thinking and I felt like blogging about it.
Regardless of all of the issues that have been going on with me, I promise I am not nearly as depressed as I sometimes sound, SP is just a great vent for me, a place that I can talk about all of these ridiculous things that we go through in life to people who often understand where I am coming from. Thanks for listening even when I get all depressy or mood swingy.
Now, onto what I have been thinking about. This has actually been on my mind since I started with SP (gasp, nearly two years ago!!), it is the issue of how we see ourselves at any given moment. I have admitted pretty openly that I have always been a self hater. I have always been cruel and hateful to myself about my appearance. The most eye opening revelation came when I realized that even when I had previously lost 90lbs and was about 10-15lbs shy of my goal weight I still treated myself the same way. I still hated to be in photographs, always thought I looked fat and hideous, quickly criticized every perceived flaw, basically, when I looked in the mirror I still saw the same girl that I was before I lost the weight.
Now in all honesty, I wish that I had never gained 50 of those lbs back, but if this is what was necessary for me to learn to love myself then I am beginning to think it is worth it. Over these past couple of years with SP, I have been working slowly and steadily to change my self talk and to learn to appreciate and take more pride in who I am. Perhaps the saddest thing I have ever said is that it has taken me twenty-four years to learn to be a little kinder to myself and sometimes I still have trouble with that.
Ok, back to what I have been thinking about. I wrote a blog (The (Very Long) Long Overdue Update) about everything that has been happening lately with my health and the way that has been playing into my weight. It is tough to know that my health is making it difficult for me to lose weight, it is tough to know that this journey could now be twice as long as it would have been before. It is tough to not look at myself and throw in the towel. Which, of course, begs the question...what towel? I am a person, not a project, but I often treat myself like a project. Something that is unworthy of being visible to society until it is finished, until it is perfect. And BOOM! There it is. That word again. That word that keeps sneaking into my vocabulary and into my head, attitude, and goals: perfect. P. E. R. F. E. C. T.
My eating has to be perfect, my exercising has to be perfect, my body has to be perfect. In February of 2013, I will be twenty-five years old, half way to thirty, and would you believe that I have, in all innocence, been waiting for my life to start, which I assumed would not/should not happen until I achieved some level of physical perfection. I dread to think of how many things I have not done, just because I "needed to lose some weight first." As dumb as it sounds, I honestly think I fell face first into the trap that says that I will be happy and everything will be grand and all of my problems will be solved, if I can just lose weight.
So lets put this all together, imagine for a moment living with this idea about life (that it will be spiffy if you can just lose weight), then throw the mother of all monkey wrenches into the middle of that bad boy: imagine that for the time being, you can't lose weight. This could be for a short time or for a long time, this might even be something that goes on for the rest of your life. Now what do you do? Give up and keep gaining? Become a hermit? Role into a little ball on the floor and cry, because your life will never officially start, let alone be good?
Well, this is pretty much where I have found myself. Right now (and apparently for at least the past year or so), my thyroid is making weight loss extremely difficult. What most can lose in a week, takes me a month or longer. To be honest, this has been devastating. It is painful to put in so much effort and see so little return, but one benefit is that it has forced me to change my priorities and the way that I view my own life (heh..though I can be a seriously slow learner).
I am trying to be kinder to myself, to accept myself and my body the way that it is right now. Obviously I still would like to lose some weight, but that is not the be all/end all of my life. I am still going to exercise, still going to work on eating good, still going to move forward, but I refuse to let another year pass me by with this same crushing attitude. Granted, it is a daily battle, but I am trying. I am getting things out in the open, running back to my Savior who loves me and made me beautiful, and trying to reprogram myself into a pattern of self respect.
Did you know that you can weigh 207lbs, have fat rolls, and still be beautiful? I sure didn't. I don't quite see it yet, I am still fighting, but I will get there. Is my body perfect? Nope, but I am slowly but surely becoming OK with that.
Sorry if this is a bit of a ramble, just wanted to voice what has been in my head.
Have a wonderful Monday!