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Hiding something HUGE

Sunday, June 10, 2012

One of the tasks this week on my Harry Potter team is:

Post a blog about something you've been hiding from yourself/lying to yourself about...anything from amounts of calories you're actually consuming to whether you should be sneaking that soda you said you'd given up.

So I saved this task for the last day of the week because I was avoiding thinking about it, but I have no choice ow.

After much deliberation I have determined that the biggest thing I am hiding from myself is THIS: I don't trust myself to have really changed.

I have been more or less this weight for 2 years which is HUGE...the longest I have ever maintained after a loss. But there are little ways I tell myself I don't trust me...the few larger pieces of clothing I refuse to part with (although most of it is gone), my refusal to re-size my wedding rings even though they have been on the wrong finger for 2 years and are practically falling off of THAT one, the way I still occasionally feel like I'll never be good enough. I still don't have a license...I say it's because I am scared to drive and because I am a city girl who prefers walking/public transport. To an extent, that's true, but really? I don't need an excuse to be lazy because if I had my license I'm afraid I'd take the easy way out every time.

And I realized a big part of this truth the other day. My youngest is starting school next year and I have to go back to work, at least part time, after being a stay at home mom for almost 6 years. I am TERRIFIED. I thought it was for the obvious reason - it's a big change, I will miss it, etc...but the truth is I am afraid of what it will mean for my body - I won't be able to getting nearly as much physical activity as presently, I will have less time and money to make healthier choices. I will have to put more effort in to this lifestyle and I am scared that when it's not as easy anymore that I will end up right back where I started.

So there you have it - the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...

I think my desire to stay healthy will override any backtracking, but only time will tell.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ROCKMAN6797
    Nice introspective blog. I think we all have similar fears. I have yet to get rid of many of my larger clothes. Somehow I think that if I get rid of them I will regain all of my lost weight and have to wear clothing that is obviously too tight! I know, a silly idea.

    With regards to the time issue, I am amazed that you find the time to do what you do considering you are raising two young daughters! If you can do it now I am certain that you will be able to do it later.

    Thanks for sharing!

    2201 days ago
    This was a GREAT blog....even though you hated writing it. You are a wonderful person, who has done so much. You are strong and you can continue to maintain your weight - you may have to make adjustments, but you CAN do it!
    2201 days ago
    I think that a lot of this is just you trying to beat yourself up. For every scary or negative feeling you are thinking or having, you should aim to write/think something positive. The unknown and what-ifs are very scary. This I know though - you are an awesome person - a very positive influence and a great motivator to me! I think, in regards to taking the lazy way out if you have a license, it can be true for some people. However, you have access to public transportation every day and choose to use your feet rather than ride some where. We live fairly close to our downtown area and when I comment that I walked the kids to the library/bank/post office during the day, I'm hit with a bunch of "you walked THAT far!?!?" When in reality THAT FAR is only 15 blocks one way and a perfect distance for a walk.

    2201 days ago
    love your honesty keep working at it you will get there. you have your spark family to back you up and give you support. and remember its ok to fall sometimes as long as you dust yourself off and get back into fight!!!!
    2201 days ago
    I appreciate that this wasn't just a "I snuck a soda." response. You really did think about what you've most hidden from yourself. I think that this concern has some validity.

    I also think that success is planned. So, if you're going back to work, consider looking for employment that requires you to remain active.. so it becomes part of your career, instead of just one more thing that you have to set aside time for.

    If you're afraid of other aspects of re-starting a career, look at ways to incorporate a healthy lifestyle into those arenas too. I know it is a difficult job market, and the future is not easily planned. But, why leave to chance the chance to achieve your goals and dreams? :D

    Best wishes to you in your journey to good health and personal happiness!
    2201 days ago
    How very self aware, Jamie! It is daunting, when you have found a 'winning' formula, to have to face change, but reading this, undersanding your own awareness of the dangers, it look sto me like you are already well equipped to face this and come out the winner! You will find other ways to keep on eating healthy, and of exercising!
    I too keep clothes for when I over do it, and I want tops that hide my tummy popping out. Maybe you can wait until you are settled in your new job/ lifestyle and when you realise that you can do it, resize your wedding rings, maybe as a Christmas present to yourself! Thank you for sharing this, it is good to know that maintaining is still tricky, even after 2 years of success!!!
    2201 days ago
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