Life as Ms. Invisible

Saturday, June 09, 2012

Ok. First of all, I would like to apologize for disappearing for a few days, had to focus on keeping my head on straight there for a while, but I am back now and a little more unfocused. Ha! Yeah.

This blog will consist of two parts, the first will be an update on my life/weight stuff, the second will be a semi rant. Feel free to skip around as you choose.

Update: Well, my one month challenge has not exactly been going as planned, but I wouldn't call it a bust. I have been drinking my water, eating cleaner, and not binging, which believe me is some serious progress. I know that I need to be better and I don't plan on giving up. One of my biggest issues is definitely using food to deal with my emotions, I go through stuff and boom all I want is food, it is like that is the only way that I know how to handle things. I have also realized that I am WAY too obsessive when it comes to exercise. I will be doing really good for a while, but then I start going crazy, and I don't mean crazy as in I stop exercising, I mean crazy as in I start pushing myself to the point of injury. I get so driven and fairly easily fall into a guilt cycle where if I don't exercise EVERY SINGLE DAY, regardless of how I am feeling, I spend the entire day beating myself up over it. I know that we have to push ourselves, but I also know that my attitude isn't healthy. So I am working on that by focusing a little more on strength right now and trying to take regular breaks from cardio.

I am still mentally preparing myself for upcoming health stuff. Got my next blood work coming up Monday and then in July I will be hitting up my urologist to find out when my surgery is going to be. Just trying to be chill about it and let God lead. Easier said than done. Ha! Life goes on. I am hoping for good news on the blood work front as well, especially since lately my moods have been all over the place (picture a roller coaster without the safety features). I feel like a wreck and it has not been fun.

I have put in some applications for a few jobs that I would absolutely LOVE to get! They would provide me more of a career rather than just a job. They would also provide full time work and insurance! I am hopeful! I think I am going to either be completely insane or extremely patient by the end of this.

Oh and my hair changed again. I had to keep it short for a while, because for a few months my meds are going to make it fall out, then it should actually thicken back to its beautiful brown unruly self. So I decided to do something a little...umm different. I like it and it works for right now, but from this point on I am going to let it grow out again as it hopefully begins to get a little healthier. I will put up pictures soon!

Now it is time for the semi rant.

Is it just me or do people seem to make some sort of immediate assumption that it is impossible to be beautiful and fat at the same time? Why do people look at me like somehow I am less of a woman just because I have a belly and thighs and hips and jiggly arms? Excuse me, but why exactly do I not deserve to talk to him?! I know that I am fat and I am working on it, but does that mean that I should just wear a bag over my head and hide in a hole until I look "appropriate". Why shouldn't I dance when I feel like it?! Why shouldn't I want to dress up and feel pretty whenever the mood strikes me?

You would be really pretty if you just....lost weight....put on some makeup....did your hair different....toned up....had plastic surgery....were only ever seen from far away...became a completely different person....looked like her....Sigh. How am I supposed to respond to that? The looks, the comments, the backhanded compliments, how are these things supposed to make me feel? Sigh. I don't know. Sometimes I am not sure how I feel about everything. You all know, some things cut deep, things that people have said, things they have done. I have never known a time in life when my weight was not an issue. Since childhood, it has been a struggle and there are times when I wonder if I will ever not think about it. For instance, I am forced to wonder what in the world must be wrong with me. I assume that I cannot find a nice man because of my weight, but that does not seem to be holding back anyone else, so...what is it then? Do I put off some kind of good man repelling odor? Do I scare them off somehow? Am I just ugly? Sigh.

Everything seems to go a long way in holding me back. My health, my weight, my life, my past, everything. People start their lives, they move on, they find people, they progress, but me, I feel like I am stuck here just watching the world pass me by. Even my brothers are moving right along and though I am happy for them and proud of them, it still sometimes bites me to know that no matter how hard I work, forward motion always feels like it is just beyond my grasp. This is going to sound so incredibly selfish, but just once in my life I would like to be recognized for something, anything. I know it is wrong and I know that I need to change my attitude, but for once I am going to be honest. There are moments when I contemplate just giving up and doing whatever the heck I want to do, because nobody seems to care what I do anyway. Might as well flunk out of school and laze around at work, nobody seems to notice that I even exist in either realm, let alone cares about how hard I am working. Yes, I know that this sounds really bad, I know that I do what I do for the glory of God and because it is plain and simple the right thing to do, but right now I am fighting that human side and a few recent developments have left me pretty much beat to a bloody pulp.

I feel ugly and worthless. I know I am not, but sometimes there is a significant difference between knowing something intellectually and actually feeling it.

I don't even know why I am telling this to the SP world, I guess maybe just to get it out there, you know, get the beast in front of me so I can better deal with it. Sigh. Sorry this has been kind of a depressing blog, but thank you for listening. We just keep moving.
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.