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The bitterness of being a Spark failure...

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

I sit here today acknowledging the fact that even though I've been a member of Spark People since January 2008, I've made 0 progress. I've lost and regained the same 15 pounds time and time again.

Needless to say that my personal failure has nothing to do with how great Spark is. I have just been incapable of sticking to any sort of plan, commitment, group, challenge, streak e.t.c. At the beginning of every month when I'm awarded my consistency and perfect attendance trophies, I just feel like crying. It makes me realise that even though I'm perfect at keeping up appearances in both my virtual and my real world, I don't have what it takes to put my money where my mouth is.

My addiction to sugar and alcohol has completely got the best of me in recent years. I spend countless hours on the Internet looking up fitness tips, reading articles on nutrition, browsing trough Spark people, yearning to be one of the people I admire and look up to, but never do anything to achieve it. I know how to do it, I just don't.

My binge eating and drinking started due to emotional insecurities and a family history of emotional eating and drinking but now have become a problem in themselves.

I set the alarm clock on most mornings to get up and get a workout in before my day starts but I just hit the snooze button and keep on sleeping. Same thing at night when I get back from work. Can't be bothered to do anything.

I have started to alienate myself from my husband and my children because of my foul mood. My disappointment in myself and my frustration regarding my inactivity have made me an unpleasant person to be around.

My dear husband is a great support and although sometimes he feels overwhelmed by my behaviour, tries to help me. My son even tells me that I'm the best mummy in the world and to tell you the truth it makes me cry because I know I'm far from it.

I hate it than my weakness of character prevents me from doing the things I want in life. I know that I don't need to eat sweets and drink alcohol. I have done it before. I know I can follow a regular exercise programme and healthy lifestyle. I have done it before and thoroughly enjoyed it. It's just that most times I make excuses for myself. I am weak.

I am hoping that putting all of my thoughts out in the open and reading them will help me do something about my situation. I really want to change and as I said before know how to change. I just need to find the motivation to start and not stop this time.

Spark People is a great place to be and my Spark Friends have been a true blessing in my life. It's my responsibility now to do them best that I can do and be the best that I can be.

Thank you for reading xxx
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    AWE! I too understand where you are coming from....I feel like MOST of us on this site are fighting the demons..so to say...lol! don't be so hard on your self! I'm sure your a DARN good mommy!! Give your family lots of hugs!!!
    2164 days ago
    AWE! I too understand where you are coming from....I feel like MOST of us on this site are fighting the demons..so to say...lol! don't be so hard on your self! I'm sure your a DARN good mommy!! Give your family lots of hugs!!!
    2164 days ago
    I love your raw honesty Eleni. It sounds like I'm hearing mself.
    I joined Boxing Day 2007 and still keep putting on and takeing
    off those same kilos. YOU CAN DO IT.
    Love you lots.
    Anna emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2172 days ago
    You'll get there. I know you will!
    I've been a member since 2008, also. And up until last year I, too, was something of a SparkFailure. :-/ Not only was I losing/gaining the same 10 pounds - I was apparently finding some of it's friends as well.
    But, this past year I've managed to find myself under all of the excuses and lack of motivation. I know you can do it, too!
    2173 days ago
    You are still here and you are still fighting. Not a failure at all1
    2173 days ago
    _AIYANNA_ my thoughts exactly... I am 35 years old, I have been trying this for the past 20 years, i have tried everything and no result (and by anything I mean endless nutritionists, therapist fro a year, personal trainer twice, endless gym subscriptions, even meals delivered to my house once and of course diet pills... ) I am so ashamed... when I think the money I have wasted....
    My point is I still wake up everyday and try, and some day I ll do it AND YOU WILL DO IT TOO!!!!! emoticon
    2175 days ago
    I can hear you loud and clear. I can also echo so many things you have written. First and foremost you are not a Spark failure. So many of us are in the same boat, right there along with you and we are not failing anything as long as we are trying. We just can't give up. Someone of our friends is always there with a life line to throw out to us and reel us back in to positive thinking and healthy habits no matter how often we go off course. So here is a line, I sending all the way over to you and I won't let go till be are both back at the shore of Happy and Healthy life!
    2176 days ago
    I know just how you feel! I've been a member of SP since Nov 2010 and have actually GAINED several pounds since then! I have to agree with other comments though - you are not a failure as long as you keep trying. Just don't give up and eventually you will find the right formula for your personal success. That doesn't mean it will be easy, but it will help you reach your goal through persistence & determination!

    Good luck on your journey - you seem to have great support here, just don't be afraid to use it and ask for help!
    2176 days ago
    I thought this was a fantastic blog. So raw and honest. A lot of us can relate to it. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Weight loss is hard and it takes a supreme effort to get everything just right to where it works and you keep it off. Just concentrate on little areas and change those and when you have mastered that then move on to the next challenge. Breaking it up into smaller goals works for me. Sometimes things finally just click and you can do it when you couldn't before. Keep trying.
    2178 days ago
    Ohhhh, my dear, sweet Elen. My heart breaks for you reading this!

    You are not weak, and you are not a failure. I see a lot of myself in this blog (I've been playing the snooze game for a whole year now! and I've gained back 10 pounds) and I KNOW you don't consider me weak or a failure.

    I agree with everyone else who's pointing out that you are in fact strong and successful for just continuing to try, and especially for your public honesty in a place that honors relative anonymity if you so choose!

    What stood out most to me is that you've linked your addictive sort of behaviors to your emotions -- that's an important part of the process, a key to "fixing" our relationship with food. So again, you've not failed -- you're just still in your process.

    When I realized my +10 pounds were "real" at first I still tried to stay in denial, then I was disappointed and angry at myself for not getting it right the first time. I was convinced I'd NEVER be one to regain -- I did this right, changed the way I eat and move and darn it, that meant I EARNED permanent weight loss. Well, now I am just buckling down and getting back to basics. And I love the advice you got here about this being new behavior and something we have to master -- meaning there will be starts, stops and stumbles along the way.

    Also, my therapist recently told me that what makes a "perfect" mom is her sheer best effort. And if some days your best effort is barely getting by, that's OK. We lead busy lives with lots of responsibilities pulling us in different directions -- doing your best is all anyone can ask of us, and all we should ask of ourselves.

    Chin up, my love. We are always hardest on our selves. So listen to those of us with an unbiased perspective. You're doing A-OK. Be kind to yourself -- self-improvement is NEVER an easy or neat undertaking.

    emoticon emoticon
    2179 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/6/2012 12:20:24 PM
    I have been stuck at a particular level as well however as I realise when I stop trying I actually get MUCH worse. Thank goodness for SparkPeople! We all do this, we all back slide. That's ok that's why we are human. I hope writing that helped you.

    2179 days ago
    I joined in 2008 and didn't return until 2010...didn't get on the ball till December of that year.
    I use to look at my weight loss attempts as pass or fail...and then I started to see it differently.
    Over the years I realized I have had to LEARN many things about myself, nutrition and weight loss. I didn't know that back then.
    When I began to look at my weight as a continuous never ending PART OF LIFE things changed in a positive light.
    I consider myself a student in this area...learning as I go.
    I may have to do some phases OVER again UNTIL I MASTER THEM.

    You can't consider it failure UNTIL/IF you give up. If you never give up you can call it TRYING...working at it...learning...THAT is far more constructive.

    Over the past 15 YEARS I have tried time and time again to take off lbs. I have had a lot of success...and many attempts. I have lost as much as -75 lbs. and regained it back. THIS TIME I have lost -60 lbs. and even though there have been times I have gained a few lbs here and there; OVERALL I have managed the bulk of my weight loss. I NOW consider that SUCCESS! GLASS HALF FULL thinking.
    I hope I am making sense.
    Keep at it. Keep building yourself UP from the inside out. What we believe of ourselves...what we think is a good portion of the success of this journey. The real SUCCESS starts IN YOUR OWN MIND and when you reach your goals physically that is only the inside RADIATING THROUGH.
    Keep sparking. Your on the right path...KEEP GOING!
    2179 days ago
    Ditto, ditto. You are strong because you're still in the game. You're still Sparking. We all lose the same lbs over and over and wonder if we're nuts or just gutless. We're neither, just human. So now what--do you think you might benefit from some additional "hands on" help like Weight Watchers? Or even just a sympathetic counselor with a nice shoulder, so you can get back to the program. How about joining the Summer 5% Challenge to lose 5% of your weight! I'm sending you an invite! Looking for you there!
    2179 days ago
    Well,well!!!... What a blog! What a dissapointment! Who you think you are my little girl? You are the ONE not perfect, not able to do commitments, not strong enought to seal your mouth? You really think that you are the only ONE?
    First you have to realize that you are wrong. Terribly wrong! All the people (not most, but all) are like you. You are a human being and ,as I see in your pictures and through your blogs, you are a lovely one! Human being = Not perfect. Can you understand that?
    Then you have to feel life as a wonderful game! Every monring you wake up you have to say: let s find how we play today! (that s what I am doing as I open my eyes). You want to play "changes"? Then pick a change each day of the game and stick on it! Dont think about rules in your life. Think about rules of the game.
    The third secret is that you NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER QUIT. If today the game was not so good, you will start tomorrow again and again and again until the final success.
    And finally you have to love yourself a little bit more than you do now. You are a special person and you need to remember it from time to time.
    Forget the perfection. Only God is perfect and no one wants to have God as a friend.
    Let s play the game my special Spark Friend! It will interesting and fun!!!
    Filakia, Christina.
    emoticon emoticon
    2179 days ago
    you can do it. i know you can. your not weak. a weak person wouldnt have been able to realize this and post it out in the open for everybody to see. youre strong. give it about 40 days. workout at least 5 days a week for a month and a half. and everytime you think 'oh its raining. i dont need to workout' or 'id rather sleep' or anything like that, just remember that YOU ARE STRONG! and nothing can take that strength away from you except you. so dont let you bring yourself down!! be better for your family. be better for yourself. because you can. you can improve your health, your body, and your attitude/mood. it sounds like you have the motivation. just put it into working out instead of sugar and alcohol. i know its easier said than done. but if you want it bad enough, i believe you can do it. :] good luck. and you always have our support!
    2179 days ago
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